Secondary Infertility can be all consuming. However, in the midst of all the tears, heartache, and struggle I know I am one of the fortunate couples who could conceive at least once on our own. I am reminded daily that there is a middle part of my world that is filled with Grace, a virtue coming from God. My best joy, Etta Grace was born at the end of June in 2012. Her birth, was hands down one of the best days of my life and from that day on my life has been completely changed. My heart has been filled with a joy I had never known before. My husband and I are so blessed to have this little miracle girl in our lives. By the grace of God, she is thriving, healthy, and a happy 2.5 year old. We couldn’t be any more proud of her and we are so lucky to be her parents.
Since I was little, God placed the desire to be a Mom in my heart. Maybe it was because I had such a loving, devoted, and nurturing mother myself. I could always feel how much my mom loved me, how much a part of my life she was, and that she was there. Like my mom, I also became a Stay at Home mom. I decided that I wanted to be there for my child. I wanted to be a part of her daily journey, and I wanted to give her the kind of love and care she deserves that only a mother knows how to give. I am so fortunate to be able to do this and I may only be able to do it once in my lifetime and I am doing it with no regrets.
There are times when being a SAHM is hard physically. It’s a very tiring “job”, there are no breaks, and you feel like you are 100 people rolled into one but still only have two arms, legs, ears, and eyes. At the end of the day, it is just so worth it. There are times where being a SAHM is tough financially. Lets face it, it is hard living off of one income. Especially now when we are dealing with Secondary Infertility and our insurance does not cover ANYTHING. It’s been all out of pocket expenses. Oftentimes, I deal with the guilt that comes with spending our money on this when I think of all the other things we could be doing with our money instead (Building our savings, putting money away for college for Etta, being able to let Etta take more classes, going on family vacations, finishing our basement, etc.). There are times when being a SAHM is tough emotionally as I did go to college and I did want to pursue a career. I always battle with the fact that I could be doing more. I could be doing better. I battle with wanting to be a good example for my daughter by having a job outside the home. Then I remember, I am a MOM and this is the most important “job” I will ever have. I again think back to my mom and my childhood. She was (and still is) simply the best and my childhood was the best because of what she and my dad provided us with (loving parents, a home, stability, care, life lessons, etc). I am so glad my mom & dad sacrificed so my mom could stay home with my sisters and I growing up. Etta will only be little once. I will never get this time back with her and once again I am reminded of how lucky I am and that the sacrifices that come along with all of this, I would do again in a heartbeat.
My best joy inspires me. She motivates me. She makes life worth living for. I am reminded daily that by God’s grace, she is in our lives. I will never take her or our time together for granted. I love her to the moon and back. Since she was little, I have sang two songs to her, “You Are My Sunshine” and “Jesus Loves Me” I would sing these to her while breastfeeding her as an infant and while rocking her to sleep. Now, she sings along with me when I sing them to her or she will be off playing and she will sing them to herself. It melts my heart. She truly is my sunshine and Jesus loves her so much.
She recently is learning how to use the potty. It has been a struggle and by far one of the things I have liked least about being a parent so far (and there are very few things I don’t like about being a parent by the way). However, with every bad thing comes good and there is something that is finally starting to click with her with using the potty and she is starting to get it. She’s been working so hard at it and I have been trying to be so patient, yet consistent. However, when she gets it there is great joy in it for her and for me as her parent. I can’t even tell you how wonderful it is to share and celebrate milestones like this with your child. It’s amazing. Don’t take them for granted.
Joy. “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” -Marianne Williamson
Now, can I ask you, are you allowing yourself to truly recognize the good in your life? What is your Joy? Everyone deserves a little sunshine in their lives. Jesus loves all of us so much and wants us to be happy. Please allow yourself to recognize the good, even in the rain. Stay strong in your journey, allow yourself to be sad, but most importantly don’t let your hardships steal your joy. I am so blessed that I have recognized the good in my life through my struggle of secondary infertility and not let this all consuming disease be all consuming at all times. I don’t want it to steal the joy away that my daughter gives me or the joy I bring to my daughter. Even on the tear filled days, I am able to do it with a little Grace, take a deep breath and continue to smile because I know how good I really do have it.