While In Limbo

Secondary Infertility is not for the weak.  Ironically though, there are many times during this journey when I feel weak.  For instance, there are times where this really tests me and I begin to feel like I am going to break in two.  There are days where I just don’t have the courage or stamina to be strong anymore and I feel like I am going to collapse under the pressure and stress of it all.  I become weak when I start to feel physically sick over my given circumstances and I just don’t feel I have the strength to go on. The worse battle of weakness in my opinion, is my mind.  My mind can play awful tricks on me and I begin to just have a whirlwind of thoughts and then of course emotions. Then there are the worldly views of our situation that tend to cause much weakness.  Currently, I feel like we are in the state of limbo.

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Dictionary.com defines limbo (lim-boh) as

noun, plural limbos.

1.

(often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on theborder of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death ofunbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who diedbefore the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of thepatriarchs)

2.

a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded asbeing relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date:

My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams.

3.

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.

4.

a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.
I, on the other hand describe limbo as the place of uncertainty.  I am in limbo because we are in waiting once again and are uncertain of the outcome no matter how much we wait and no matter how much we go through.  We are actually doing some waiting within waiting.  Basically, my menstrual cycle has ended and we are now in the stage of taking at home opk’s.  We are just waiting for that positive opk (if it comes) and then if it does come, we will be able to press on and do our 2nd IUI. Waiting within waiting is the worst kind of limbo.  It makes me anxious, fearful, and frustrated.   I also feel in real limbo this time around because it will be our last medicated cycle and if it doesn’t work we will need to review our treatment plan and decide what to do next.  Decisions in regards to your future are hard.
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In the midst of my waiting, I am doing a lot of soul searching.  I am talking to God and I am trying to have faith that it will all work out how He sees fit.  There is comfort in knowing that His divine plan for me is what it is intended to be for me and my family.  In His perfect timing what will be, will be.  My weakness can be overcome because He helps strengthen me time and time again. He always loves me regardless and He is always there for me.  For that, I am thankful.  Without my faith in this journey, I would have never made it this far.  My favorite Disney movie of all time is Cinderella.  The message this movie sends is this:
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…and I firmly believe our dreams will come true and that just because it isn’t happening right now doesn’t mean it can and will never happen.  As much as it stinks, we are just in limbo right now.  I am slowly starting to realize that it is ok to be weak.  It is ok to not have it all together at all times.  It is ok to cry.  It is ok to get angry.  It is ok to be mad.  It is ok to be frustrated.  However, it is never ok to keep it all inside.  I am slowly starting to learn to lean on my support system and give it to God and try and make the best of each day I am blessed with.  I certainly, am learning about my own strength and all that I have overcome so far.
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Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Isaiah 40:31   but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/20-encouraging-bible-scriptures-on-waiting/#ixzz3QaizDIzj

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