This Pain.

Secondary Infertility.  Real disease.  Real struggle.  Real heartache.  Real grief.  

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My TWW is officially over and it has not ended in a desirable fashion.  All tests since 11 days post IUI have been negative and with no warning, my period is here just like that.  It’s over.  I feel so many emotions yet I feel numb.  Then reality sets in and I am pain-stricken with grief.  An unfathomable heartache sets.  How is one to deal with so much reoccurring sadness month after month after month?  My struggle is real and I know I am not alone, yet I feel so alone.  This pain.  This pain is just all too much sometimes and so hard to explain to those who just don’t get what I am going through. The longing to have another child, to give my little girl a brother or sister, and see my husband with a 2nd child is so strong.  I feel the void everyday of what could be, but what isn’t.  My husband is pained too and I know extremely disappointed, although he stays pretty quiet about the subject except when I ask him questions or make comments myself about our situation.  I can’t bear the look on his face when it gets to this point when all I have to give him is disappointing news.

I just don’t get it. Our 2nd IUI & 3rd Medicated cycle has failed. I had really high hopes this month, but a part of me knew those hopes were too good to be true.  If medical intervention hasn’t worked thus far, what will?  Why is this happening to us?  Why does something that is supposed to be so easy, so hard for us? How can we afford to press on medically even if we wanted to?  Where do we go from here, what next? There are so many questions that I mull around in my head.  They cause me a great deal of stress and tears.  I honestly just don’t know how much more I can take.  We’ve been through so much emotionally these past 18 months and myself physically I just feel broken.  If one thing is for sure, I am really seeing how strong I really am.  It takes a great deal of strength to go through what my husband and I are going through, and continue to press on mentally, physically and emotionally.  It’s hard, and it’s so complex.  It’s not easy and it’s not simple. There are no concrete answers and no one to tell us what we should do.

So what is next?  I called the fertility clinic this morning and I spoke with the nurse, and told her what was going on. She has to speak with my doctor as to what comes next…so, now I wait for a phone call.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  That’s all we ever do.  I’ll keep my blog updated as I find out more.  Prayers for patience in the waiting and strength to overcome another month of grief and bravery to press on are very much appreciated at this time for my husband and I.

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