Stage 5-Accepting.

Well, I said it would take some time for me to process what Gods will was for us this cycle as it wasn’t what I wanted.  However, I am finally to Stage 5 and I am accepting of the situation yet again.  I am continuing to trust that God has an even more awesome plan for us and a future that is better then anything I could possibly imagine.  This gives me much hope for our future.

Psalm 56:3 says “When I am afraid I will trust in You.”  It is 100 percent certain that we can’t always see our future and what lies ahead but the promises of God show us there are better things ahead.  We just have to continue placing our faith in Him.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still very sad over our answer, which was “No” but I am learning slowly but surely to say “Thank You” as I believe the good Lord truly knows what he is doing in our lives.  There is always a reason for our struggles, even if we don’t see that reason right away.  Our struggles make us who we are.  I know I have changed and am continually changing from this circumstance set in our lives.  There have been many teachable moments along side the tears, stress, and heartache.  This situation has allowed me to bond with other women in similar situations and although it saddens me that there are so many other couples struggling with  primary/secondary infertility because I know first hand the heartache that comes along with it, but I am thankful that I have these women that support me as I do them and also to help teach each other along the way.

In accepting, part of being able to move forward is to come up with a new plan of attack so you are indeed feeling like you are moving forward in the process. Part of this decision is even making the decision to move forward or to take a break.  My husband and I have mulled over all the possibilities of what to do next and have had to face some big decision making in a very short amount of time.  As you may know, procedures/tests/medications are all needing to be done/taken on very specific days of my cycle.  So, what is next for us?  That seems to be the never ending question in this horrible cycle. The hardest part are there are just no clear cut answers in this whole journey.

After getting our doctors opinion and then my  husband and I discussing our options together we came up with this for our next cycle.   My doctor decided she wanted to take me off of clomid as one of the side affects is thinning of uterine lining.  It proves to be one of the side effects I am experiencing from the drug as they’ve seen the thinning via ultrasound.  So, they decided that maybe clomid is not the best medicine and we are now switching to a new drug called Femara or the generic form Letrozole.  I will start taking this drug on days 3-7 of my cycle (starting Sunday).  Due to 4 medicated cycles already and 3 failed IUI’s my husband and I do not feel confident proceeding on with IUI’s even with a new medication trial, until I have the HSG test done.  This test will basically tell me if my tubes are clear and not blocked and to make sure there are no problems with my uterus.  The following link provides more in depth information on what this test is:  http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590  We went back and forth about this test, sadly mainly because of the cost.  We both agreed it would be silly to do another IUI if my tubes are blocked or something is wrong with my uterus, however, the cost out of pocket is pretty expensive.  Again, nothing infertility is covered in our insurance.

I talked with the Billing Department after the headache of having to call and talk with 3 separate departments because they bill separately for this test.   Here is what we came up with:  Doctor Fee:  $1387  Hospital Fee:  $911 and Radiology Fee:  $237.  Yikes.  Luckily they said we could work out a payment plan as long as we paid in full by the end of one full calendar year.  As much as you don’t want money to be a factor in this decision, the reality is we can’t just go and plant a money tree in our backyard.  We have a future to think about and one that already involves a child.  We can’t put ourselves in debt up to our ears over this.  We just can’t.  We’ve already drained most of our savings with what we’ve done this far.  However, coming this far only makes us want to get the end result we so badly desire.  A BABY!

With that, we decided on the test.  My test day is this coming Friday.  I am absolutely terrified of this test as I have heard it is by no means pleasant.  However, if it gives us some answers then I will put my super woman cape on once again and do it.  Then, the following Monday we will do our mid cycle ultrasound.  We do OPK testing starting on day 10 and once we get our positive we will be going through with another IUI.  The doctor recommended doing an IUI the same cycle as an HSG test as they say you tend to be more fertile 1-3 months after an HSG tests and ironically many women become pregnant after them as it “cleans out the cobwebs” so to speak even if there is no blockage.  We can only hope and pray this is the case for us!  If it isn’t, I for see a “break” coming up on the near future.  This doesn’t mean we are giving up, it just simply means sometimes a person just needs a break, some clarity and time to focus on something else for a while.  This is all consuming and we simply need to take a vacation!  Now, if we could afford to take a real vacation we would as my husband and I think that would be the best medicine!

Like always, we are feeling very overwhelmed, yet all the while trying to stay hopeful.  It’s hard.  It’s very, very, very hard.  With the financial obligations on top of it we feel like we can’t even go buy an ice cream cone without feeling guilty.  Times are very difficult.  However, we are doing the best we can in the most upbeat way we can.  Not every day is a rainbow though that’s for sure.

On top of all of this…our little lady is sick.  She spiked a temp of about 102 last night and it stayed strong even with Tylenol. So, I took her to the doctor this morning and it turns out she has RSV/Bronchitis.  Lots of TLC and snuggles are happening this weekend and we are hoping it passes as quickly as it came on.  She’s napping right now, so I thought it would be a great time to do some blogging!  I tell you, there is just never a dull moment in this house hold.  However, wishing we had some better moments then the ones I am speaking of now…but again, trusting God in the midst of all our trials!

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