Overwhelmed…

First off, I woke up to a text at 5:30 am from my younger sister who just had a tonsillectomy last week saying that she was in the ER at 2.  She ended up being admitted back into the hospital to be put under to have her throat cauterized again because one side ripped open and she was bleeding.  I was in complete shock when I woke up and read this text.  She actually texted me right away at 2 am when all of this was going on, but for whatever reason my phone happened to be on silent.  I NEVER keep my phone on silent in the middle of the night for reasons such as this and go figure the one time there was an emergency, I wasn’t aware of it right away.  I feel terrible.  Talk about waking up with a heart attack.

Thankfully, she is back home and recovering…AGAIN.  Due to all the ciaos going on in my life, I really haven’t been able to visit her yet or really physically be there for her.  First, E was sick and I didn’t want to expose my sister and her family to anything major especially to my sister right after a big surgery. Plus anytime I could visit I would have to take E with and I didn’t think she would appreciate the extra noise and stress and I also have had appointment after appointment and things pertaining to this infertility nonsense.  I feel like the worlds worst sister at the moment.  It’s not a good feeling.

To add to the worlds worst sister comment, I also feel like the worlds worst mommy (I know I am not, but do have moments where I feel like I am lacking being 100% present).  Like I said, SI is all consuming and between being at doctor appointments, then getting home and explaining what was said to my husband and then being on hold with the fertility drug company for 45 minutes it really takes time away from my daughter.  It is so not fair to her.  I try to keep her busy in the midst of my busy times too but it’s times like this where being a SAHM is hard and I you feel almost guilty that she isn’t in a daycare to play with her friends and have daily structure and learning experiences 24/7.  However, I know she knows how much I love her and I do make up for it in the moments that are not completely consumed with this sort of thing.  I just know my time with her is precious beyond words and spending time on something that should just happen naturally without much thought really pisses me off at times that it is so much harder for us and takes up so much more time (excuse my french)!

Secondly, I feel like I have seen my husband for 2.2 seconds since he got home last night.  He was helping my dad tap maple trees at the Cabin this weekend so he was away.  I am glad he got some time away from the daily grind and thankfully, he took our dog with him so it was one less thing I had to deal with.  Side note:  I love our dog very much, but she also loves me wayy too much and her constant need for attention can sometimes be a bit much.  However, things are much, much harder without my partner in crime (aka my husband).  It was nice having a girls weekend with E, however since I am a SAHM M-F being alone and having to care for her all weekend by myself can be a challenge.  Sometimes, a Mom just needs an hour or two of alone time, which rarely happens except on the weekends when my husband is home. Between potty training and mission take away her BA (a.k.a. her nuk) it’s been kind of a headache.  I love my daughter with my everything and I never take our time for granted but these new challenges in parenthood are turning me into a MOMSTER (Mom:  A women who loves you unconditionally.  Momster:  What happens to a Mom after she counts to 3…).  Needless to say, E has been throwing tantrums, crying, hitting me in my face, not listening, and being quite the sassy pants.  Sometimes it really tests my patients as you can imagine.  You may think I am crazy for wanting another child so badly after that little rant BUT feel free to call me crazy because I would do this all over again in a heartbeat because I am a Mom and I just love being a Mom (again, see definition)!

Going back to my husband…I miss him terribly and I miss having him around to help me parent our potty training, BA-less, sassy, cute adorable toddler (Toddler:  Emotionally unstable, pint-sized dictator who has the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push your buttons to utter insanity before reverting to a lovable cuddle monster.)!    Now it’s Monday again, and he is back to work and pretty much gone from 5:30 am to 6ish PM.  Bottom line is I’ve been alone with Etta for far to many hours in a row and this Mom has turned into a Momster and needs to promptly be turned back into a regular Mom again- but I can do no such thing until I get a tiny-wee-little break to re-fuel.

Thirdly,  I had my mid cycle ultrasound this morning.  My husband ended up staying home with E as we didn’t want to bother anyone to watch her and I went to this appointment solo (Unfortunately, the 15 minute car ride was not enough time to lock up the Momster and morph back into regluar Mom).  Needless to say my head is swimming after this appointment-which is why it’s always nice to have my husband there for extra ears to retain all the dates and information and instructions given. Most all appointments are like this as there is just so much information to take in. Then I got thrown a bit of a curve ball as I was not expecting my Nurse to tell me that I should do the Novarel shot again this cycle ( Poor hubby, Zach McStuffins is going to have to come out of the closet yet again).  When I heard this, my nerves shot up ten fold.  Although the shot didn’t hurt to badly, it’s just really nerve racking.  So, when I got home, I called and ordered that.  It should be delivered tomorrow sometime via FedEx and I am instructed to also take the shot tomorrow…eek! On the up and up…It looks like I have 2 good sized follicles, one on each ovary and the shot will just help them along!  As of now it looks like we will have procedure either Wednesday or Thursday.

I am just feeling very overwhelmed as I am almost certain this will be our last go at it for a little while.  I have mixed feelings about stopping “treatment” to take a break BUT we really need the break as this is all consuming and emotionally draining and we need time to build up our savings account so we can press forward.  However long a break we take, I also know it’s not going to feel like much of a break because these feelings associated with SI are not something you can shut on and off like a light switch.

If this cycle fails (which praying to the almighty God above, it does not fail us AGAIN)… It looks like the next step in the process would be to do injections which is a daily shot for about 16 days during my cycle that helps improve the quality of a my eggs (Although, at this point we are assuming my eggs are fine as there have been no tests done to say one way or another).  The injections are rather expensive, around that $1500 mark and then there is a one time fee of $572. This would be on top of the ultrasound charges which is $175 a time and the IUI charges.  We would be working with the fertility doctors from either Green Bay or Illinois during this portion of the process.  UGH….Now I am getting ahead of myself so to not overwhelm myself further I will just say that I hope we don’t even need to get to that point and this cycle will just take.

I was once told that if my life gets overwhelming, that I just need to keep calm and carry on. So…I am going to take a couple deep breaths, enjoy a mug of English toffee mocha, hug my daughter extra tight all day and snuggle her a little longer, pet my fur babies to lower my blood pressure, stay calm and carry on with this “awesome” day…

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