Grieving Mode.

I am writing this with a heavy heart, great frustration, lots of confusion and endless tears.  You know, ever since I was little all I ever wanted was to have a family of my own. As I got older, I was unsure of what to do for a career but still I always knew I wanted to be a mom. It was just like God placed this burning desire inside my heart-I just knew!  After my husband and I got married we of course started talking about having a family.

We both wanted children-it was really just a matter of when.  I proposed that we have at least 5 children.  When his mouth dropped a bit I realized he thought I was joking and said he wanted at least 3.  I then compromised and said 4.  He said 3 again and I said 5! I think he got the point at that moment that I wanted a good sized family.  We both just laughed at our conversation and I remember just being extremely excited about our future together and what it was going to hold.

Goodness, looking back I now realize how naive I was.  Little did I realize we wouldn’t be in control of how many children we have-it’s all in God’s hands. We are really not in control of God’s plans for us. Now, don’t get me wrong I love my husband and my daughter with my everything but never in a million years did I think we would be in this nightmare we are living right now.  I just never thought we would be infertile.  I thought having babies would come naturally and easily.

Now, we just are living in a nightmare where dreams just feel shattered and so completely far out of reach. I am to a place where I need to re evaluate our dreams because they are just breaking me.  I want this to happen for us so badly.  However, a person can only take so much sadness.  What I hope you are getting from this, is that each and every child is precious and truly a gift from God.  It’s like a knife in my heart every time I see parents taking their miracles for granted.  To some, it just doesn’t come so easily and we are reminded how precious our kids truly are.  There are many times in my day I am finding I need to bite my tongue-and yet another reason working in a child care center was so hard on me.  This situation has really opened my eyes and changed me.

When I found out I was pregnant with E, I can still remember that day just like it was yesterday. It was a day filled with great excitement, fear of the unknown, and joy.  It was the happiest day of my life….until she was born.  I quickly realized when she was born, that that was by far the most happiest day of my life. The feeling of being a mother and the instant love I felt for my daughter was greater then anything I had ever known and at that moment I told my husband we needed to try for another sooner then later!

As months of trying turned into a year of trying we knew we needed to seek help.  As you know, we then continued to press on with tests and fertility “treatments” (I still really hate that word) with no luck of another baby.  It’s been an incredibly hard journey that has been filled with stress, heartbreak, and lots and lots of questions. A struggle that family and friends have little understanding of unless they’ve been in our shoes themselves.

Here we are today, another negative pregnancy test making this our 5th medicated cycle and 4 failed IUI’s.  I am feeling so incredibly sad.  A sadness greater then anything I have ever felt before. It’s harder this cycle because my husband and I have no other choice at this time then to take a break from anything medical.  This is primarily due to the financial burden it’s putting on us.  We are broke(n) financially, mentally and physically.  It’s the worst feeling in the world and one that is causing a great deal of stress and also leading me to question God, why did He put this burning desire in my heart if my dreams are not going to become a reality?

I just don’t understand. Am I missing something? One may say that I am losing hope, but when you’ve been placed with the reality that we have it’s also a hard thing to hang on to when all our paths in trying for baby #2 have led to nothing but negative outcomes. A person has to start looking at the reality of the situation and we have to start facing the fact that this may never happen for us.  We’ve put our heart and soul into this last year and a half and I just really am at a complete loss. The big question that is nagging at my heart now is, where do we go from here?  I simply just do not have the answers today or the energy to think about what we do next.  I do know, it is really incredibly hard to have come this far just to take a detour.

Sadly, the dream of having a child is no longer “when” we have another child- it’s now “if” we have another child. This is very hard.  I cry tears of sadness for E as now our dream is changed from wanting a lot of children to being able to be given the chance to have at least one more child to make my daughter a big sister.  I really don’t want her to go through life’s journey without a sibling.  I feel like I’m stealing this amazing thing from her and I hate myself for that. Lord knows, we are trying for her.  I cry tears of sadness for my husband that he may never be given the chance to have a son or another daughter.  I cry tears of sadness for me that my dreams are so far out of reach and I may never be able to know another child that my husband and I created together. I feel like I’ve been sucker punched and torn in two.  This is an incredibly isolating experience.  One can never prepare you for this.  It never gets easier.

I’m in grieving mode once again.


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