Busy & Preoccupied

I know it’s been a while since I last updated but I wanted to tell you that the “complete funk” I was in during my last post has lifted some.  Of course it’s still in the very back of my mind and I have triggers daily but I have had other things that have taken center stage for a while. Honestly, I am relieved and  I am incredibly thankful for distractions and things that have been keeping me and my mind busy.   Life has been just that since my last post:  Busy & preoccupied! The “break” from thinking about this 24/7 has been the best medicine.

First and foremost I hope you all had a Happy Memorial Day with your family and friends.  While you were enjoying time with them, I hope you took the time to remember what the day was actually reserved for:  those who served, those who sacrificed, those left behind, and the ones who carry on.  Freedom isn’t free and I am so incredibly thankful to those men and women who sacrificed their lives so my family and friends could live in the best country around!  These individuals are gone and not forgotten and will forever live and carry on in our hearts.  On this day, we remember and honor you: the true hero’s.

As I took time yesterday to reflect on these men and women and just really take a look around, I was reminded once again of how truly blessed I am.  I was sitting in our garage watching my husband, dog and daughter outside playing.  It was a beautiful evening outside on Memorial Day-the sun was shining, the clouds were big and fluffy, the birds were singing, and there was a slight wind with the laughter of my family.  My husband was enjoying playing chuck-it with our dog and both my husband and dog were just content and appeared happy.  My daughter had put on her gardening gloves and was dancing, twirling and singing to her hearts content, “Let it Go” and pretending to be Elsa from the movie, Frozen.  What a character E is and she is still so full of innocence.  She truly is one happy girl. If i could figure out how to post the video I took of her I would! It was a moment I would have froze in time if I could.  Sitting there watching my family, my life, just taking in the moment just brought me so much peace and overwhelmed me with an intense amount of joy.  In that moment I wasn’t thinking of infertility I was simply living in the now and enjoying every aspect of it.  I was just so incredibly thankful for those seconds I was in.  Blessed, happy & healthy.  My family and I are these things and if it were not for the men and women who put their life on the line-I would not be any of those things. I am just so incredibly thankful, words can not express my gratitude.

We all know the old saying, “take time to stop and smell the roses”. I really did this yesterday.  I wasn’t thinking about my stressors-the woulda, coulda or shoulda’s.  Instead I was enjoying all of the wonderful things I do have and what a beautiful place I live in and how amazing the fresh air and sunshine is and how amazing my beautiful little family is.  I wish I took more time to do this because it really brought me a sense of peace. When you really take the time to see all you do have-it puts things into perspective and you realize how beautiful and precious this life only get to live once, truly is!

Secondly,  I would like to give a BIG congratulations to my sister and new brother in law on their marriage Friday. This was the big event that kept me very busy and highly distracted from the funk I was in earlier.  Congrats you guys and we officially welcome you to the family Mark!  They truly had a beautiful day and everything came together wonderfully.  I was so happy to be apart of their special day and stand up as a matron of honor alongside my older sister as matron of honor on their big day.  It made me reflect on my own wedding and how far we’ve come since we said our “I Do’s”.  Time sure flies by.  Cherish it!

We also had my parents and nephew stay with us.  My parents were here on Wednesday and left on Sunday and my Nephew stayed Friday-Sunday.  I loved having them here not only because it’s great to spend time with them but also it was nice to stay preoccupied with a different mind set for that amount of time.  I will miss them.  Lucky for us we get to see my parents in a couple weeks and continue on with more distractions.  My husband is standing up in his friends wedding and E will be staying with her grandparents for a couple days!  This also means my husband and I will get 2 days of just him and I-something that doesn’t happen often.  As much as we love our little, we also know how important having time together just he and I for our relationship!

With all these distractions, comes facing the quiet of my own own thoughts again.  As Sunday/Monday rolled around I found myself heading back in the direction of “baby” thoughts.  CRAP!  I just really didn’t want to sulk or go there at the moment as the last 5 days I had been doing so well and in my “happy” place!  The feelings and thoughts haven’t been as strong as when I was in my funk with my last post, but I have been trying to redirect my own thoughts so that it doesn’t get to that point.  It’s not easy finding calm within myself, but I have got to stay in this place of peace.

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Complete funk :(

I am in a complete funk over infertility right now. It’s a funk that I just can’t snap out of it. As I posted in my last entry, our first non medicated and no IUI cycle failed (after 4 failed IUI’s already). My doctor has now given us the option to move on to IVF– the kicker is we can’t afford to.  There is a chance IVF can fail us too, but what if IVF is the answer to our prayers? I just really feel like we will never know if we don’t try and if I don’t exhaust all of our options I will regret it.

My heart of hearts knows we need to do IVF, but how can we make it possible? My husband and I kind of agreed we need to take a break from IUI’s/medication for the summer months but this first months “break” was torture and very hard on me. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever do another IUI again. I talked to my doctor, and she gave me the option to double my dose of Letrozole (to 5mg) and just do timed intercourse and take progesterone starting 5 days after we get a +opk. This would be just for the next few months.  In my opinion, this is better then doing nothing.  Doing nothing doesn’t work, we know this.

My husband and I are going to give it a go so it feels like we are doing what we are able to afford at the moment.  I feel at such a loss right now.  I bawled my eyes out last night and I just have no motivation today.  This is just on my brain and won’t leave.  I need relief from the pain it’s causing my heart.  Reality of our situation has set in at a stronger level then ever for me and the feelings associated with it are very overwhelming.  

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We are nearing the end of our first cycle where we had no medical intervention in aiding us to try and get pregnant.  No IUI’s. No Femera. No HCG shot.  No doctor visits.  We’ve been calling this “a break”. I really don’t feel that is a good title for what we are doing though.  I was still taking progesterone suppositories and doing at home OPK’s along with timed intercourse.  I still had stress, false hope, and  the roller-coaster of emotions that come along with trying month after month after month with no positive outcome.  Although, I have to say that my stress level was down a little because I wasn’t doing all the extra medical interventions, I still felt stressed on some level.  Not enough to call this “a break” though.  Needless to say, we are not pregnant this cycle either-leaving me with the same heartache, emptiness, depression, sadness, frustration, and questions I always am left with.

Namely…Why God?  Why isn’t this working?

I am trying so hard to be strong.  I am trying to stay hopeful.  I am trying to stress less.  I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to eat healthier, and exercise. 21 months of trying is just really taking it’s toll on me-my raw emotions are starting to surface.  I am starting to wonder if this will ever happen for us.  I am starting to wonder if we will ever be able to afford IVF so that we can say we’ve exhausted all of our options. I am starting to wonder if we will ever hold another beautiful baby in our arms that my husband and I created together.  I am starting to wonder if we should just accept what is, and try and move on.

How could I move on though?  How can I just give up on something I want so badly.  How can I deprive my daughter of growing up without a sibling? How can I deprive my husband of being a father again, and myself a mother again.  I just don’t think I can do that either, but what if we don’t have a choice in the matter?

My husband and I are at a loss.  We have some BIG decisions to make.  The sad part is, we would both try IVF now if we could, but the truth of the matter is we can not afford to.  It breaks my heart that money is the deciding factor for us.  We’ve talked about taking out a loan, but you still have to have the extra money to pay on a loan each month.  We do not have extra money to pay another loan at this point.  We also think it’s so silly to pay interest on this when it would already cost us so much out of pocket.  I also think it would be silly to do IVF with no guarantees of a baby at the end.  It’s just so much money. However, I know there are places out there with IVF guarantee programs, but I have not done enough research yet on where and what the stipulations are on these programs.  If I were to do IVF, I don’t think I could do it without doing one of these programs.  I was telling my husband if we were to do IVF and it failed too-we would only be able to afford to do one and it would be really hard to deal with the guilt that would be associated with throwing all that money away.  Money that we could have used to go on family vacations and create lasting memories for E or money we could use to put into E’s savings account or money to use to pay off our debt we already have so that we can live a better life. I  already feel guilty about the money we’ve spent on trying that has created us to be in such a hole financially, so to speak.  What do we have to show for it…NOTHING. There are just so many thoughts that go through my head.  How does one know what decision to make in something like this when there are no 100% guarantees?  I am not gambler.  I can’t just gamble this money away if we are not going to get a baby at the end of it, especially when the money we do have we’ve worked so hard for.  We just can’t do that.

The alternative choice doesn’t appeal to me either though, because at this point I have little hope that this will ever just happen naturally for us. The alternative choice being quit doing anything medical and just try on our own-and if it happens it happens, if not then it doesn’t.  I feel like after as long as we’ve been trying though, if it were going to happen it would have happened by now.  That is our reality. Both options just suck.  I feel so incredibly broken-physically, mentally, and emotionally.  E is constantly asking for a sibling too and it just breaks heart every time.  She’s too little to understand what is going on, but all I can tell her is that Mommy and Daddy are trying the best we can to make a sibling happen.  We have a small discussion about it and she always says in her sweet, concerned and caring little voice, “It’s ok Mama, don’t be sad” and gives me one of her biggest and worlds best hugs.  Then my heart breaks all over again because she makes me realize how wonderful this gift of parenthood truly is and although I enjoy every single second…it’s going by all too fast already and I so badly want to do it all over again.  Facing the fact that I may not get that chance-literally, is painful.

This whole journey of SI has been extremely bittersweet.  Although, I am grateful for this struggle because I have met some incredible women and have learned so much about myself-namely about my strength and have been given so many life altering lessons…the pros and cons list is not equal. There are so many more cons in this journey then pros.  I am tired of living like this.  I want to know what it’s like to not live my life feeling the way I do every second of every single day.  I want to find a contentment and a place where I am ok with what is…but I know that day is not today.  I’ve got a lot of work to do and many decisions to make before I am able to move forward and possibly accept E may be our one and only.  The thing is, if she is…she’s seriously the best girl a mama could ever have.  This is something I make sure to tell her each and every single day.

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Time Is Precious

I apologize for the lack of blogging lately.  We’ve been so incredibly busy!  My daughter and I made a 4 hour trip to Western Wisconsin to her grandparents house (my parents) from Friday-Monday.  Although, traveling alone with an almost 3 year old for that length of time has its challenges I was really impressed with how well we both did!  Most of all, I am glad we made the trip there and back safely.  Our main reason for going back was for my younger sister’s wedding shower on Sunday.  However, we were thrilled to be able to spend a few extra days just hanging out and enjoying quality time with our family.  There is a time and place for modern day technology and when I am with my family I tend to stay off grid and just be present and enjoy the time we have together. Blogging can wait-family can not!

While spending time with my family, I got the unfortunate news that our community back here in Eastern Wisconsin was reminded how precious life and family/friends really are.  Sadly, this reminder came once again from a random act of violence. It was a beautiful spring day out on Sunday when these events occurred at a public park/trail in the area.  Many were out with their families or just enjoying a peaceful run/walk.  No one expected this, everyone was caught off guard. Some, were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Life is so precious, it can be taken at any moment.   It has been nearly 3 days since I found out about this horror and I am still trying to wrap my head around this reality that is just so close to home. A man and his 11 year old daughter shot to death.  His wife shot 3 times and in serious condition and another innocent man shot and killed.  The shooter then turned the gun on himself and committed suicide.  When you hear of acts of violence, such as this happening your heart goes out, you are saddened, and question why? When it happens in your own community you still feel all of those things, but it forever changes you.  It is scary.  It is mind boggling. It is heart wrenching. My husband worked with the Man who was shot.  We, as a family have walked that same trail and played at that same park numerous times.  We even had family pictures taken there when E was only 11 months old.  I have to admit, it scares me because it could have been us.  The reality of that makes you hold on to your loved ones just a little more tighter and realize life is never in our control, to enjoy life to it’s fullest for we never know when it will be our last, and to always tell  the people you care about that you love them.  I look at my daughter and as mother, the mere thought of losing my child is just so profound.  My continued thoughts and prayers go out to the families whose lives were shattered in just a blink of an eye as well as our community.  My prayers go out to all who witnessed this unfold and to all who lent a helping hand that night-professionals, volunteers, and bystanders.  Faith. Hope. Love.

On a much, much, much lighter tune.  Today is my birthday!  Yup, I am 30+1 years old today.  As much as I could complain about my age and getting older, I am going to embrace it.  I am lucky to be here another year.  I’ve enjoyed my years past, but I very much look forward to this year and years to come.  I’ve done a lot of reflecting today and all I can say is as many hardships as this last year has brought me-I am truly blessed.  When I asked my daughter today if she made me a birthday cake, her response was-“No, not yet, I’m waiting for Daddy to get home.”  When I asked her if she got me a birthday present, she said-“Mama, it’s not Christmas.”  Little does she know that she is the best gift a girl could ask for:)

On that note, I am going to make this blog short and sweet today because like I said-family before blogging and it being my birthday I just want to enjoy time with my husband and daughter.  Nothing makes me happier then them! My birthday wish for you is that you go and enjoy the rest of your day and turn off technology tonight and just be present with the ones you love.  Time is so precious and I think oftentimes we take it for granted.