Bittersweet.

We are nearing the end of our first cycle where we had no medical intervention in aiding us to try and get pregnant.  No IUI’s. No Femera. No HCG shot.  No doctor visits.  We’ve been calling this “a break”. I really don’t feel that is a good title for what we are doing though.  I was still taking progesterone suppositories and doing at home OPK’s along with timed intercourse.  I still had stress, false hope, and  the roller-coaster of emotions that come along with trying month after month after month with no positive outcome.  Although, I have to say that my stress level was down a little because I wasn’t doing all the extra medical interventions, I still felt stressed on some level.  Not enough to call this “a break” though.  Needless to say, we are not pregnant this cycle either-leaving me with the same heartache, emptiness, depression, sadness, frustration, and questions I always am left with.

Namely…Why God?  Why isn’t this working?

I am trying so hard to be strong.  I am trying to stay hopeful.  I am trying to stress less.  I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to eat healthier, and exercise. 21 months of trying is just really taking it’s toll on me-my raw emotions are starting to surface.  I am starting to wonder if this will ever happen for us.  I am starting to wonder if we will ever be able to afford IVF so that we can say we’ve exhausted all of our options. I am starting to wonder if we will ever hold another beautiful baby in our arms that my husband and I created together.  I am starting to wonder if we should just accept what is, and try and move on.

How could I move on though?  How can I just give up on something I want so badly.  How can I deprive my daughter of growing up without a sibling? How can I deprive my husband of being a father again, and myself a mother again.  I just don’t think I can do that either, but what if we don’t have a choice in the matter?

My husband and I are at a loss.  We have some BIG decisions to make.  The sad part is, we would both try IVF now if we could, but the truth of the matter is we can not afford to.  It breaks my heart that money is the deciding factor for us.  We’ve talked about taking out a loan, but you still have to have the extra money to pay on a loan each month.  We do not have extra money to pay another loan at this point.  We also think it’s so silly to pay interest on this when it would already cost us so much out of pocket.  I also think it would be silly to do IVF with no guarantees of a baby at the end.  It’s just so much money. However, I know there are places out there with IVF guarantee programs, but I have not done enough research yet on where and what the stipulations are on these programs.  If I were to do IVF, I don’t think I could do it without doing one of these programs.  I was telling my husband if we were to do IVF and it failed too-we would only be able to afford to do one and it would be really hard to deal with the guilt that would be associated with throwing all that money away.  Money that we could have used to go on family vacations and create lasting memories for E or money we could use to put into E’s savings account or money to use to pay off our debt we already have so that we can live a better life. I  already feel guilty about the money we’ve spent on trying that has created us to be in such a hole financially, so to speak.  What do we have to show for it…NOTHING. There are just so many thoughts that go through my head.  How does one know what decision to make in something like this when there are no 100% guarantees?  I am not gambler.  I can’t just gamble this money away if we are not going to get a baby at the end of it, especially when the money we do have we’ve worked so hard for.  We just can’t do that.

The alternative choice doesn’t appeal to me either though, because at this point I have little hope that this will ever just happen naturally for us. The alternative choice being quit doing anything medical and just try on our own-and if it happens it happens, if not then it doesn’t.  I feel like after as long as we’ve been trying though, if it were going to happen it would have happened by now.  That is our reality. Both options just suck.  I feel so incredibly broken-physically, mentally, and emotionally.  E is constantly asking for a sibling too and it just breaks heart every time.  She’s too little to understand what is going on, but all I can tell her is that Mommy and Daddy are trying the best we can to make a sibling happen.  We have a small discussion about it and she always says in her sweet, concerned and caring little voice, “It’s ok Mama, don’t be sad” and gives me one of her biggest and worlds best hugs.  Then my heart breaks all over again because she makes me realize how wonderful this gift of parenthood truly is and although I enjoy every single second…it’s going by all too fast already and I so badly want to do it all over again.  Facing the fact that I may not get that chance-literally, is painful.

This whole journey of SI has been extremely bittersweet.  Although, I am grateful for this struggle because I have met some incredible women and have learned so much about myself-namely about my strength and have been given so many life altering lessons…the pros and cons list is not equal. There are so many more cons in this journey then pros.  I am tired of living like this.  I want to know what it’s like to not live my life feeling the way I do every second of every single day.  I want to find a contentment and a place where I am ok with what is…but I know that day is not today.  I’ve got a lot of work to do and many decisions to make before I am able to move forward and possibly accept E may be our one and only.  The thing is, if she is…she’s seriously the best girl a mama could ever have.  This is something I make sure to tell her each and every single day.

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