So Bummed…

Well, as promised I said I would update on any changes, so here you are:

I had received my paperwork for our RE appointment in July and I had noticed that in the letter with the attached paper work, there in BIG BOLD PRINT it stated that $466 was due at the time of service.  This created a big pit in my stomach, as I knew that we could not afford to do an upfront payment in July for that sum.

Unfortunately, due to all the past medical expenses that SI has created for us we are really tapped out right now and literally are living pay-check to pay check. Insurance has not covered a dime for any SI expense.  This has created a new stress for my husband and I as we are both good with money, budget and haven’t felt the financial strain as much as we are now.  We are both scared that we won’t make it through the year, which also adds more stress on myself because I really need to find a PT Job or possibly FT job if the right opportunity presents itself.  This creates a battle with my head and my heart because I am absolutely, 100% not ready to give up my time staying home with E.  I’m just not.

Anyways, back to the same day down payment ordeal.  I ended up calling the RE’s office and asked if there was anyway that I could be billed later for that fee and then possibly set up a payment plan for any accrued expenses at this new clinic. The person said that because my insurance does not cover any part of SI that, unfortunately, they needed that payment at time of service or we could not be seen that day.  If, however, our insurance would pick up a part of that fee then they are able to bill us at a later day.  Again, our insurance doesn’t cover it so it was expected same day.  How screwed up is that?  Needless to say, and with an extremely sad heart, I told the receptionist that I needed to cancel my appointment.

Guys, I just feel even more defeated.  We just can’t seem to win at any corner and every corner proves to have a new hurdle to jump over.  Months and months of this endless stress and weight on our shoulders is really just getting to be too much for the both of us.  When you see your husband crying when the stress gets to be too much is enough to break anyone’s heart.   After a long talk with my  husband and lots of tears later, we decided as much as we were looking forward to this appointment, we just can’t keep digging ourselves in a financial hole.  We need to start digging ourselves out of this hole.  At this point, if we can’t even pay for a consultation fee-how could we afford IVF?  Plain and simple, we can’t.

I know if I don’t try exhausting all of our options, however, I am going to live with an enormous amount of regret and a heartache that goes to infinity.  We are not ready to give up on our dreams…but we are sadly realizing, we only have the means to do so much and still be able to live our lives now.  It’s a hard pill to swallow.  At this point, we are just not left with many options.  It’s so sad.  I’m so sad.  We are so sad.  Our hearts are left feeling even more heavy at this point and we really need to figure out a way to just move on from this…I personally just don’t know how we can when we want this so badly.

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On another MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more positive note:

It was E’s 3rd birthday on the 27th!  We had a wonderful day spent at The New Zoo where we saw lots of animals, went on a couple rides, fed animals,  had a picnic and most important spent quality time together as a family while making cherished memories.  We then came home and E had fun playing outside and splashing in her little pool with her neighbor friends.  Her grandparents came over for dinner, cake/ice cream and gift opening later in the day.  We ended the evening by watching Frozen and falling asleep!  It was a busy, fun filled day for sure!  She was one happy girl and I couldn’t have asked for a better day with my family.  I really can’t believe how fast these last 3 years have went…but they have been by far the best 3 years of my life, some just a little more challenging then others!  I am so thankful that God made me E’s mommy and blessed me with such an amazing little girl. I am also thankful for my husband who I get to share this parenthood journey with-he’s a great Daddy and E just loves him to pieces!  Happy birthday E-although you are getting so big now, you will always be my baby girl!

No News

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I absolutely and 100% hate this saying, “No news is good news.”  In the SI world, this is not true at all.  Hearing news in the SI world would mean I could shout out to you all that I am expecting!  In the SI world no news is sucky news.  I realize the meaning behind this saying obviously is, that if something bad happens you would be told, hence the saying “No news is good news”.  I just wanted to clarify, just because you haven’t heard from me in a while, doesn’t mean that is good news: unfortunately my news is still sucky.  I am not pregnant and there is nothing good about that news whatsoever!

The only new news we have is that we decided to make an appointment and see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).  Our appointment is at the end of July and I am both anxious and nervous for it.  I am anxious because maybe one way or the other we will get some answers or new developments on  what we need to do to move forward from this.  If it is possible for us to still have conceive a baby ourselves I want to know how this is doable in our circumstances and if it isn’t, I want to know that too for closure purposes.  Either way, I think seeing the RE will be good for us.  I am nervous because there is that chance that this could be the end of this chapter in our lives and I know I don’t want that and am not emotionally prepared for that kind of news…but all I can do is trust that God knows what He is doing and that He is putting us on a path for the way that our lives were meant to be lived.  I will keep you posted as we know more.

As of right now, summer is in full swing and if my posts seem few and far in between that is because our schedules have been jam packed.  We were gone all of last weekend for a wedding and will be gone all of this weekend for a baptism.  Next week will surely fall away as fast as this last week has and then is my baby’s big girl’s birthday on the 27th.  I just can’t believe E is going to be 3.  Not a day has gone by in the last 2 weeks where she doesn’t excitedly tell me, “Mama, I am gonna be 3!”.  Due to the craziness of our summer we are not doing any major birthday party for her, rather we are going to do something low key as a family of 3!  I was thinking either a day at the zoo or a day at the pool.  I am kind of playing it by ear at the point depending on the weather.  I should really have a plan B for an indoor fun activity in case it’s raining…hmm?!

That reminds me…I’ve got a lot to do and sitting here on this computer is not magically making my to-do list disappear (oh how I wish it did).  Again, I will keep you posted on any changes and in the mean time I would really appreciate your constant prayers for my family and our trying time with SI.  I also would appreciate prayers for our appointment at the end of July.  Please and thank you and many hugs in advance!

Embarking another month…

As I embark the beginning of yet another month, it feels bittersweet. Typically the end of one month and the beginning of the next month is always hard on me.  However, June comes with even more emotions for me then any other month on the calendar. It is such a special month in my husband’s and my life together. Yet as the time passes it attaches with it some sadness too.

June is special because this is the birth month of our daughter.  This is the month we met this beautiful little being, who calls me Mama and my husband, Daddy…who we are blessed to call our daughter. This is the month we became parents for the first time.  Our daughter changed our lives forever and placed in our hearts a love and joy we never knew existed before she was born.  She is truly a miracle and a gift from God.  June is so very special because of E.  Words cannot express how much we love our little girl. I remember her birthday like it was yesterday and cherish that memory forever.

With that, comes sadness.  E is turning 3 this year!  I am so incredibly happy that she is thriving, happy, and healthy BUT this time has just gone by incredibly fast and I don’t like it one bit.  The time with her thus far has been absolutely amazing though-the best years of my life by far but sometimes I wish it came with a rewind button.  As she hits her 3rd birthday it brings sadness to me because she still does not have the title of “Big Sister”.  If you had any idea how badly she wants to be a big sister and how badly my husband and I want to make her a big sister your hearts would melt into a thousand pieces daily.  Ours do.  As much as we enjoy each milestone with her, each one is also a reminder of what we may never get that chance to experience again.  This sadness is pretty heavy for me and my husband.

Knowing that E may be our one and only makes the time we spend with her that much more special.  I really can say I cherish every moment with her.  I feel like this struggle has made me appreciate things about being a parent that some parents typically take for granted.  I am grateful for that.

Although there have been great life lessons from our struggle, it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like daily my husband I ask ourselves: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t we just get pregnant? What can we do differently next time?.  I am so grateful we have E but that doesn’t diminish the heartache of wanting another baby any more.  With each passing month, I am both happy and I am sad.  Life isn’t fair.  Our situation isn’t fair.  For some reason though, these are the cards we’ve been dealt and like anything we are doing the best we can even in the midst of this trial.  Our focus is E and we just want to give her the very best life and have her grow up knowing how much she’s loved-single child and all.

To my little June baby-you are everything and more that I could have asked for in a daughter.  You are healthy.  You are beautiful.  You are smart. You are happy.  You have a bit of sass and spunk about you.  You are funny.  You are wise beyond your years. You are the perfect mix of me and your daddy. Your big bright eyes make me melt.  You have a fun loving personality. You make friends easily.  You have a great imagination.  You give the best hugs and kisses.  You have taught me and daddy so much about love and life.  We just love you so many bunches.  I hope one day you know just how truly special you are to us and how you are the center of our world.  All the sacrifices we are making are for you baby girl. You made all my dreams come true when you made me your Mama. God sure hit it out of the ballpark when he gave me you.  If you are our one and only I know that is what was meant to be because when He made you- He gave us everything! If we are not able to give you a brother or sister, I truly apologize for depriving you of a sibling relationship, but know that there are so many people that love you and will always be here for you.  I will love you forever and always and no matter where I am or where you are we will always carry each other in our hearts.  Your birthday is so special and always treat it as so–Happy birthday month my little big girl!  I love you to the moon and back.

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