As I embark the beginning of yet another month, it feels bittersweet. Typically the end of one month and the beginning of the next month is always hard on me. However, June comes with even more emotions for me then any other month on the calendar. It is such a special month in my husband’s and my life together. Yet as the time passes it attaches with it some sadness too.
June is special because this is the birth month of our daughter. This is the month we met this beautiful little being, who calls me Mama and my husband, Daddy…who we are blessed to call our daughter. This is the month we became parents for the first time. Our daughter changed our lives forever and placed in our hearts a love and joy we never knew existed before she was born. She is truly a miracle and a gift from God. June is so very special because of E. Words cannot express how much we love our little girl. I remember her birthday like it was yesterday and cherish that memory forever.
With that, comes sadness. E is turning 3 this year! I am so incredibly happy that she is thriving, happy, and healthy BUT this time has just gone by incredibly fast and I don’t like it one bit. The time with her thus far has been absolutely amazing though-the best years of my life by far but sometimes I wish it came with a rewind button. As she hits her 3rd birthday it brings sadness to me because she still does not have the title of “Big Sister”. If you had any idea how badly she wants to be a big sister and how badly my husband and I want to make her a big sister your hearts would melt into a thousand pieces daily. Ours do. As much as we enjoy each milestone with her, each one is also a reminder of what we may never get that chance to experience again. This sadness is pretty heavy for me and my husband.
Knowing that E may be our one and only makes the time we spend with her that much more special. I really can say I cherish every moment with her. I feel like this struggle has made me appreciate things about being a parent that some parents typically take for granted. I am grateful for that.
Although there have been great life lessons from our struggle, it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like daily my husband I ask ourselves: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t we just get pregnant? What can we do differently next time?. I am so grateful we have E but that doesn’t diminish the heartache of wanting another baby any more. With each passing month, I am both happy and I am sad. Life isn’t fair. Our situation isn’t fair. For some reason though, these are the cards we’ve been dealt and like anything we are doing the best we can even in the midst of this trial. Our focus is E and we just want to give her the very best life and have her grow up knowing how much she’s loved-single child and all.
To my little June baby-you are everything and more that I could have asked for in a daughter. You are healthy. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are happy. You have a bit of sass and spunk about you. You are funny. You are wise beyond your years. You are the perfect mix of me and your daddy. Your big bright eyes make me melt. You have a fun loving personality. You make friends easily. You have a great imagination. You give the best hugs and kisses. You have taught me and daddy so much about love and life. We just love you so many bunches. I hope one day you know just how truly special you are to us and how you are the center of our world. All the sacrifices we are making are for you baby girl. You made all my dreams come true when you made me your Mama. God sure hit it out of the ballpark when he gave me you. If you are our one and only I know that is what was meant to be because when He made you- He gave us everything! If we are not able to give you a brother or sister, I truly apologize for depriving you of a sibling relationship, but know that there are so many people that love you and will always be here for you. I will love you forever and always and no matter where I am or where you are we will always carry each other in our hearts. Your birthday is so special and always treat it as so–Happy birthday month my little big girl! I love you to the moon and back.