Struggling

We all struggle because we are human.  If it is one big lesson I have learned dealing with SI it is to not minimize someones struggle-whether that be big or small.  What may seem like no big thing to you could be huge in the eyes of the person trying to overcome it.  I am no one to judge.  The cards I have been dealt are not life or death, but honestly some days it sure does feel like it.  A silent struggle can be just as awful as one that is seen plain as day.  This struggle in my life has been a huge eye opener for me in many ways.  Maybe this is why God placed this struggle in my life-to open my eyes, open my heart, and to help me become a more understanding and compassionate individual.  I may be learning lessons from my struggle, but surely that doesn’t make my circumstances any easier.

I am struggling right now with the emotional side of infertility and how to balance this one glitch in my life with well, life in general. SI has been traumatizing for me and life-changing.  It seems as though I am living my life through a lens and all around me I am reminded of my struggle.  It’s everywhere.  There is no escaping it.  After many tests, 23 months of trying for baby #2, taking many medications, having 4 failed IUI’s…all I have to show for it is an aching heart, a stack of medical bills, debt up to my ears because of SI, more gray hairs and extra wrinkles and an enormous amount of unanswered questions.  It’s been all consuming.  Day in and day out I live with the almost unbearable emotions that SI has left me with and the weight on my shoulders is heavy.  The uncertainty of it all and what to do next is hard.  I am just really struggling.

I just feel like I can’t catch a break from the stress of it all.  Outlets that I have to relieve stress, only relieve it initially and then I am swimming back in this reality again and I just can’t seem to get my head above the water right now.  It’s stressful on my marriage.  It’s stressful on my relationships with others.  It puts strain on our finances.  It is stressful going out in public or to family/friend gatherings.  It is stressful going to doctor appointments.  There are days I just don’t even want to get out of bed or leave the house because of the anxiety I get when I face the outside world…I mean every aspect of my stress right now is ultimately the cause of SI.  I seriously feel like I am going crazy sometimes or like my head and heart are just going to explode.  Every month that I do not get pregnant I feel is a loss for me and I grieve. There is just no escaping this world I am living.  Imagine losing someone you love and having to experience the day of their funeral month after month after month-it’s just emotionally draining and I know no one wants to go through that.  I’m not choosing this struggle, but for some reason it has chosen me.  It really is just depressing and the heartache is overwhelming me.

I wish I could find a new perspective, or think more positively, or even just have an ounce more hope.  At this time, I just can’t.  I don’t think it is fair for anyone to expect me to either. I don’t have the strength or energy at this point.  I am eternally grateful for E and I am reminded daily of how lucky we are to have her in our lives-she’s our miracle baby.  However,  I can’t shut off this aching desire in my heart to have another baby. Sadly, sometimes I pray for this desire in my heart to just shut off.  If it shuts off then I would be able to move on from this. I also pray for contentment in having only one child  Who am I fooling though?  Ever since I was little I knew I wanted babies and a big family.  This isn’t something that will just go away for me.  I will always want to give E a brother or a sister.  The thought of her growing up without a sibling is heart wrenching.

The emotional side of this is so hard.  It’s complex, and few understand what me and my husband are going through.  The struggle certainly is real though, even if it can’t be seen.  I can’t speak fully for my husband but I know it’s taking it’s toll on us both, probably stronger then ever.  It’s a cruel and very repetitive cycle and one that we don’t have any control over-we are doing all we can possibly do at this point and that still isn’t changing anything.  How do you swallow those pills?  It’s just so defeating.

I am broken.  I am lost.  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.  I am stressed.  I am overwhelmed.  I am grief-stricken.  I am sick to my stomach.  I am struggling.

This is just getting to be too much for me…for us.  I don’t want to give up on our dreams, but I don’t want to struggle with this anymore.

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know may never happen; but it’s harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.”

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