Darn it Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood! I swear this summer they have played the New Baby episode on PBS what feels like every single day. PBS is our only cartoon channel so it’s hard to avoid while Etta is eating her breakfast in the morning. It’s a wonderful episode, don’t get me wrong; however, it sparks a lot of emotion from this Mama and it also sparks a lot of questions from E. As I watch her watch the episode with such curiosity and happiness, I can’t help see a bit of sadness in her eyes too and see her imagining having a baby of her own…she may be little, but I know she feels the void of not having a sibling. It just makes me sad. Very, very, very sad.
I dare you to try and explain SI to a 3 year old who desperately wants a brother or sister. It’s heart breaking and always ends in me being a blubbering mess. E looks at me with her big eyes and sadly says, “Mama, I wish I had a brother or sister.” You have no idea how much this stabs at my heart. I’m literally dying over here people. It literally takes my breath away (and not in a good way). It just hurts so bad! In the best way I know how, I explain to E that “Mama and Daddy are trying so hard to give her a brother or sister but it just isn’t working.” E always has the answers and says, “Mama, well babies are at the hospital, you just have to go there and get one.” I then say, “Oh sweetie, I wish it were that easy but we can’t just go to the hospital and get a baby.” I typically get the “Why Mama?” and say, “Mommy and Daddy have to make a baby together.” Then E says, “Ok, lets make one today, I will get my paper and my glue and my colors.” Thankfully this brings a little big of laughter through the tears for me, but then I think to myself-oh, how I wish it were that easy.
It’s only going to get more difficult for E when she starts school in September. She will make friends who will talk about their siblings and I know the Teachers will talk a lot about family and what makes a family. Obviously a big part of a family is brother’s and sisters. I am just not quite sure how to deal with this when we need to cross this hurdle. I just know she’s going to have even more questions and the want to be a big sister will be stronger then it is now. I hate seeing the disappointment on her face. I hate being the one disappointing her. I know exactly what I will be robbing her of if we can never make her dream and our dream for her a reality. How does one deal with this? I surely don’t know if I ever will be able to if we can’t.