Seasons

We are nearing the end of summer soon (^^^insert tears here^^^) and transitioning to the Fall season quicker then I would like.  One big sign that Fall is approaching is the temp drop and that it is chilly in the mornings.  BRR!  It sure does make getting out of bed hard in the morning, but makes that warm cup of coffee taste so much better.   When it’s cold, I simply want to sleep more and stay under my warm blankets longer.  However badly I want to snuggle in bed, I slowly work up the motivation each morning and jump out of bed and take on a new day.  As you well know, some mornings are much easier then others to roll out of bed and get going.  This is a true statement, even for someone like myself who is a morning person far more then I am a night owl.

As I think of how quickly the seasons change, and they do so on a routine rotation (we know when to expect them), it makes me think of the seasons of my own life. It seems there is no exact timing when a season in life will start, or when it will end.  Some life seasons are short lived, while others seem to linger a lot longer.  Right now, I feel like I am in a never ending season of waiting.  Although I know at some point there will be a better Season a head, it’s been a trying Season on my husband and I.  In the midst of it, I am so desperately trying to find meaning behind this season of waiting and take from it the life lessons it is trying to teach me.  I feel like when you go through something as heartbreaking as secondary infertility, you tend to grab hold of whatever hope you can find, and also dig deep for meaning, positiveness, and motivation to continue on.  I’ve never been a super religious person, but I do believe and have always had my faith.  It is no surprise to me that in this season of waiting, and like many past seasons in my life, I am trying to reflect on the beauty of God’s word.

As I opened my bible this morning I ran across Jeremiah 17:7“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.”  As I read this, I felt God once again speak to me and try to assure me I need to trust more & worry less. I know that I need to continue holding onto God’s hand daily, especially now through this Season that has been such a trial. This has been a trial that has given me great heartache, and has left so much uncertainty in my heart, yet from it I really have learned so much. I just need to trust that by continuing to hold Gods hand He will lead me right to the place I need to be. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t worry about my future, but in this process I am slowly learning I don’t need to worry as much as I do, and I am finding peace in what is right now.  This Season is simply shaping me and preparing me fully for my future.  His word tells me that there WILL be good things in store.  I just need help being patient and wait for His perfect timing.  This is something I pray about and ask you to please pray about for me.

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Nothing Major, just a small update.

There are no major updates to report.  However, I know I have been MIA lately.  I thought I would take some time this morning between goosebumps and shivers (It is currently only 58 degrees right now here in WI), while sipping my coffee to keep warm, and fill you in on an apt coming up, what we’ve been up to and how big my litte E is getting.

To start with, a while back we had to cancel our RE appointment in Green Bay because we could not afford the same day consult fee that they slapped us with.  It was very unfortunate, but like anything we pressed forward through tears and yet another hump in our journey.  We are by no means in any better financial situation right now, but we did go ahead and make a new RE apt.  We did do a little more research and also checked in with some people we know going through similar situations and decided on a different doctor in Gurnee, IL.  The consult fee is half of what it was in WI and we have heard nothing but amazing things about the doctor we will be working with there.  I have been working on paperwork for them and making sure all my past tests from WI are sent over so that we don’t have to duplicate any tests that we’ve already had to do.  I also have about two pages worth of questions prepared to ask this new doctor.  I’m both scared, excited, and very anxious for this consult.  You just never know what a second opinion can bring about.  I am just so thankful that we will finally have the opportunity to work with an RE and get that second opinion.  I am beyond grateful.  The agony of waiting and the uncertainty of it all is exhausting.  I just have faith that we will turn the page to this and good things will happen…eventually.

However, exhausting it’s all been…I’ve really been trying to put my focus elsewhere the last couple of months.  I feel like I’ve had a shift in my attitude about this whole experience and have been a bit more positive.  I am not giving up, but we’ve been hurting over this for so long that something just snapped in me.  Life is too precious to not enjoy what is right in front of you and that is what I’ve been trying to focus on more of and not let this bump take away from the joys I already have.  A positive attitude truly makes a big difference.  We finally made time for family fun and we had the most amazing and relaxing “get-away” last weekend.  My family and I were able to take a camping trip for the first time, just the 3 of us…or 4 because you have to count our Haddie Dog!  My kind in-laws let us borrow their camper and it was just the best kind of quality time spent together. We went to the beach, we rode bike, we went for walks, we sat around the campfire and roasted marshmellows and made s’mores, we played shadow puppets in the dark, we played tag and hide and seek, we played in the sand, we read stories together, played games, played with Haddie, etc! Most importantly it was stress free, old-fashioned fun and extremely relaxing. I think it’s safe to say everyone had the best time together and it was very much needed before summer comes to a close.

It’s so crazy to think that summer is coming to an end already and Fall is approaching.  There is a new chill in the air the last couple of days and as much as I enjoy aspects of Fall here in WI, Summer surely is never long enough (and of course winter is never short enough)!  On Wednesday, we had parent orientation for our soon to be little-big girl who is starting 3K! I got a bit emotional even during the meeting when we got to meet E’s teacher and then she was explaining what a typical day would be like in the 3 year old classroom.    I think in part they were tears of excitement for E because I just know how much she is going to love school, learning new things, making new friends, and getting new experiences.  They were also tears of fear, because like any parent I am going to worry about her not being under my wing 24/7 during the day BUT the tears were also because I know we are getting to the point where E needs to go off on her own without us a little here and a little there-it’s a part of life.  However, this part of life just seems like it happened so fast.  I feel like one minute I was riding in the back of the car taking this beautiful little baby girl home from the hospital and I blinked and she’s now this little girl who can walk and talk and is her own little person.  It just amazes me that she is 3 and even more crazy she will be 4 next year at this time.  It’s like a waterworks show here just thinking about it.  Cripes, I need to buy stock in tissues for the first day…remind me to not wear eye make up that day, please!

Speaking of my little big girl-I hear the water running in the bathroom sink and that is never a good thing unsupervised…so, on that note I need to let this entry be short and sweet.  Sorry for going off the grid for a while, but sometimes you need to just unplug, relax and enjoy life!  I just ask of you to keep my family in your prayers, especially in the upcoming weeks with our appointment coming up and our little-big girl starting 3K.  Your prayers, as always, are appreciated!

It’s a new day-enjoy it!

Behind Closed Doors

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I ran across this poster this weekend and I found myself staring at it just shaking my head and feeling like “YES!!! Finally, someone gets it.”  Sadly, I feel like I could have written those words myself.  However, I didn’t, and it truly saddens me to know so many others are struggling in life with their own battles and feel like this too.  I just wanted to put it out there that even in your loneliest times, you are never alone!

This is something I have a hard time with-asking for help and leaning on my support system.  I am stubborn and strong willed and I feel like I shouldn’t burden others with my unhappiness.  I’ve been here many times in my years struggling with SI.  It’s a dark and lonely time and you feel as though you have no where to turn.  I have a partner in this, my husband, and even though I am married I sometimes feel like he just doesn’t get the extent to how SI makes me feel. I know the way we react and deal with things are so much different.  The way women and men struggle with SI is so different.  Although both women and men feel heartache over it, women deal with it so much more hands on and the effects of it can be ten times harder.

As much as I want another baby, sadly, there are times I wish my heart would just be able to let go of the desire to have one.  I wish that SI could just take a back seat to my life so I could try and be happy. I just want to wake up and go to sleep and not have this be the first and last thing on my mind and it’s everywhere in between too.  There is no escaping it.  Some times I feel like this has such a hold on my everyday that until I am able to just let go-I won’t be 100% happy.  On the flip side, I know if I could have another baby I would be so happy.  I’m at a loss because even if I try to let go-that desire will always be lingering in my heart.  I know this.  However-like a lot of other things in life, maybe time will just start to heal this struggle and the heartache won’t feel so strong.  All I know is something has got to change.  I can’t keep living feeling like this.  I just can’t.

Changing your perspective and thoughts can be very hard.  Letting go of something you want so badly can be even harder. Even if I wanted to try and change and “let go” of this desire burning so badly in my heart-I honestly don’t even know where to begin to do so or what to do to change.  I don’t want to give up on this but really I have no control over what is happening.  Even in the midst of a day I am enjoying and where SI has been kind to me (yes, there are those rare good days) something always seems to creep in and grab a hold of my heart and tug so hard it feels like my heart is going to rip out of my chest.  Then I’m back to square one.

My point in this is that, we are all battling something.  Please be kind.  Show a bit of compassion and empathy.  Your actions speak a lot louder then words and you never know how you can change someone’s day by just being a friend, listening whole heartedly, doing an act of kindness and being their support system.  What may seem like an easy fix or something that seems like it’s not a big deal to you could be really affecting someone else.  People don’t need your opinions on their situation (unless asked of course).  They need love, support, gentleness and someone who is truly present along side them.

In the one SI group I am in, there are 1, 345 women (and it grows daily) that are battling with SI.  That’s one small number in our population-but I know a lot of people who are feeling similar to me. It really amazing me how many are truly going through this.  It’s so heartbreaking.  You may see them smiling on the outside, but inside their hearts are breaking and behind closed doors they are falling apart. SI is so misunderstood and because of that, the feelings and emotions of SI are misunderstood.  There is no quick fix to this.  Not one step is easy.  Decisions are not made easily. The pain and heartache is real.   Reach out to these people and stop minimizing their heartache.  They need you more then you will ever know!