Behind Closed Doors

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I ran across this poster this weekend and I found myself staring at it just shaking my head and feeling like “YES!!! Finally, someone gets it.”  Sadly, I feel like I could have written those words myself.  However, I didn’t, and it truly saddens me to know so many others are struggling in life with their own battles and feel like this too.  I just wanted to put it out there that even in your loneliest times, you are never alone!

This is something I have a hard time with-asking for help and leaning on my support system.  I am stubborn and strong willed and I feel like I shouldn’t burden others with my unhappiness.  I’ve been here many times in my years struggling with SI.  It’s a dark and lonely time and you feel as though you have no where to turn.  I have a partner in this, my husband, and even though I am married I sometimes feel like he just doesn’t get the extent to how SI makes me feel. I know the way we react and deal with things are so much different.  The way women and men struggle with SI is so different.  Although both women and men feel heartache over it, women deal with it so much more hands on and the effects of it can be ten times harder.

As much as I want another baby, sadly, there are times I wish my heart would just be able to let go of the desire to have one.  I wish that SI could just take a back seat to my life so I could try and be happy. I just want to wake up and go to sleep and not have this be the first and last thing on my mind and it’s everywhere in between too.  There is no escaping it.  Some times I feel like this has such a hold on my everyday that until I am able to just let go-I won’t be 100% happy.  On the flip side, I know if I could have another baby I would be so happy.  I’m at a loss because even if I try to let go-that desire will always be lingering in my heart.  I know this.  However-like a lot of other things in life, maybe time will just start to heal this struggle and the heartache won’t feel so strong.  All I know is something has got to change.  I can’t keep living feeling like this.  I just can’t.

Changing your perspective and thoughts can be very hard.  Letting go of something you want so badly can be even harder. Even if I wanted to try and change and “let go” of this desire burning so badly in my heart-I honestly don’t even know where to begin to do so or what to do to change.  I don’t want to give up on this but really I have no control over what is happening.  Even in the midst of a day I am enjoying and where SI has been kind to me (yes, there are those rare good days) something always seems to creep in and grab a hold of my heart and tug so hard it feels like my heart is going to rip out of my chest.  Then I’m back to square one.

My point in this is that, we are all battling something.  Please be kind.  Show a bit of compassion and empathy.  Your actions speak a lot louder then words and you never know how you can change someone’s day by just being a friend, listening whole heartedly, doing an act of kindness and being their support system.  What may seem like an easy fix or something that seems like it’s not a big deal to you could be really affecting someone else.  People don’t need your opinions on their situation (unless asked of course).  They need love, support, gentleness and someone who is truly present along side them.

In the one SI group I am in, there are 1, 345 women (and it grows daily) that are battling with SI.  That’s one small number in our population-but I know a lot of people who are feeling similar to me. It really amazing me how many are truly going through this.  It’s so heartbreaking.  You may see them smiling on the outside, but inside their hearts are breaking and behind closed doors they are falling apart. SI is so misunderstood and because of that, the feelings and emotions of SI are misunderstood.  There is no quick fix to this.  Not one step is easy.  Decisions are not made easily. The pain and heartache is real.   Reach out to these people and stop minimizing their heartache.  They need you more then you will ever know!


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