A Poem I wrote…

Dreaming of You

I cried myself to sleep last night

But that isn’t anything new

This Season of waiting has been a constant struggle and a fight

I’m worn from feeling blue

I try to wrap my head around all we’ve been going through

I just don’t understand why?

My heart is about to spew

I’m doing what I can just to get by

The nights are short and the days are long

The thoughts of you constantly stay

I’m trying with all I have to be strong

I know this is out of my hands, so I pray

I pray for this sweet miracle to bless our lives

The ache for you is deep

But the disappointments have been to our hearts, sharp as knives

Feeling so broken down, I weep.

Do we put this behind us, or continue with no guarantee?

This is tearing us in two

This journey in life is not how I want it to be

This is just too much grief to go through

I’ll cry myself to sleep tonight

In my dreams, I’ll be dreaming of you

A dream I am holding on to so very tight

Baby, if you only knew.

Oh Darling, Don’t You Ever Grow up…

Today is a “BIG” day for E at school.  It is picture day and her very first show and tell.  I sure wish I could be a fly on the wall!  She’s so excited!  It was RED theme at school this week.  Monday they were to wear red so being any good WI family we dressed her in a Red Hello Kitty WI Badger T-shirt! Always rooting for our Badgers!  You can guess that show and tell today is also red themed.  E is bringing her little red plastic frog that the neighbor boy gave her.  She just raves about this little red frog, so surely she is going to enjoy sharing it with all of her classmates and her teachers.  Since it is also picture day today, we took time last night and picked out a special picture day outfit and I took extra time curling her hair while she practiced her cheesiest smiles in the mirror.  It was pretty darn cute and I just enjoy these moments with her to their entirety!

Her teacher spoke with me briefly too and mentioned they (her and the other teacher) were surprised at how petite E is and figured she would be on the shy/quiet side, probably not talk as much as the older 3’s and would have a lot of learning to do throughout the year.  However, she said my little one quickly shocked them on the 1st day and again taught them to “never judge a book by its cover” because she said E is “very smart and has an amazing vocabulary and was one of the biggest participators in the class!”  They also mentioned she was very well behaved and followed directions wonderfully.  You have no idea what a BIG compliment this is and how very happy I was to hear this!  E has always amazed us by her vocabulary and how fast she can pick up things and use them in her everyday life.  It just makes me so incredibly happy that she is her true self at school just as she is at home!  My husband and I are doing something right and we are just so proud of our little!

Since yesterday was an “off” day for us meaning no extra kids at our house and no school.  We had an E and Mommy Day. We went to the library to “Our Time”.  She graduated from lap-sit and now goes to the 3-5 year old program.  So we enjoyed song, dance, finger plays, stories and a cute puppet show together.  We had lunch together when that was done, E’s pick which was to go home and have Corn Doggies, string cheese, and peaches!  We then visited with Aunty AJ and E was thrilled that Aunty gave her a magic mirror that was Aunty AJ’s when she was a little girl.  If you knew E, she just adores her Aunty AJ so this just made her day extra special.  When our visit was over we enjoyed reading some new library books we got together and then we cuddled and she was on her way to nap!  After her nap, we rode our bike to the park and enjoyed stopping at 2 of the parks along our ride where we played endless amounts of pretend Beauty and the Beast on the playground equipment (our castle) and played tag and went on the swings and played in the sand!  It was a beautiful September day outside and even more beautiful because we got to spend quality time together!

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This was E at the Lions Park, happily sitting on a statue of a Lion!

Days spent with E are the best sorts of days in my book!  It’s the simple things that we do together that make my heart happy. Even when she just puts her hand in mine, or looks at me with her big beautiful eyes, or laughs at my jokes, or sits on my lap and snuggles in…these are the times I cherish  Judging by E’s giggling, smiles, and joy she was displaying I know she was enjoying her day with me too!

As I dropped E off at school today and she turned to give me a kiss and hug, I noticed she squeezed me extra tight today…almost as if she knew I needed an extra tight hug today!  Then as her embrace ended I stood up and said I loved her and hoped she had a good day.  As I was walking out of school, I realized letting go never gets easier.  Although she’s growing up…she’ll always be my baby and the biggest chunk of my heart!

With that, there are certain songs that I hear that put me in a certain place and evoke a certain feeling.  Yesterday and even today as I was enjoying those special moments in time with my daughter I thought of this song called, “Never Grow Up”, by Taylor Swift. It gets me every time and always makes me think of E!

Just Out of Reach

Without a doubt, my husband and I know that if we want to have another baby our best chances of making that dream a reality is going through with IVF w/ICSI.  Yes, we know that this is no 100% but it sure beats our 10% odds of it happening if we continue trying on our own.  The only thing holding us back from moving forth with it is the root of all evil:  money.

My husband put in a phone call to the billing department at our fertility clinic and without exception they will not work with us (or anyone) on doing payment plans.  They said that they require a $400 payment prior to the egg retrieval and then the rest must be paid in full the day of the procedure.  The means that we are unable to move forward with IVF until we have the amount required to pay for it in full.

Due to all the out of pocket expenses that we’ve already exhausted this year due to infertility, we just don’t have the means right now.  I feel like I have been sucker punched yet again…and have yet another huge bump in this already painful experience.  I am so torn.  Part of me feels like maybe the best decision in this is to just throw in the towel and move on with life as best as we know how.  Part of me is thinking to just take that 10% chance that it could happen on our own and roll with it and try to learn to live with the mentality of it is what it is.  Then my heart starts working overtime and I am overwhelmed with grief when I know that this dream of trying with IVF is right at our fingertips, yet it feels so out of reach.

The fact of our situation is that we will not be able to move on with IVF without the full payment.  We have to keep rolling with that 10% odd for quite some time-for how long I am not sure.  The wait continues.  I’m really, really, really trying to keep a positive attitude but my emotions are really getting the best of me right now. My heart just feels so heavy.

Yet with my heavy heart it is filled with so much joy because of E.  I am forever grateful I got the chance to be a mommy, if even just once in my lifetime.  I really am one of the lucky ones.

It is what it is.

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An Emotional Day…

Yesterday was a BIG day at our house.  It was a get out the kleenex and an “I just knew I should not have worn mascara” kind of day!  I mean how can one not get emotional when they are sending their one and only little girl to their first day of 3K? There were so many thoughts going through my head and sadly, one of them was that this may be the only time I ever get to do this.  With that thought, I embraced the moment to its absolute fullest.  I dressed up E in a cute little first day of school outfit.  We took lots of pictures of her standing on our front stoop and wearing her backpack and holding her “First day of 3K” sign and a picture in front of her school.  There were lots and lots and lots of hugs and kisses given and lots of “I love you’s” said.  I had been prepping her for a long time about going to school, what to expect on her first day, that she needed to follow directions and listen to her teachers, that she needed to use the potty just like she does at home, explained to her how she could make new friends, and we even had the “stranger danger” talk!  She was beyond ready for this day and the excitement beamed on her face, while the tears rolled down mine!

Unfortunately, my husband and I were unable to pick her up from school on her very first day.  I was extremely sad about this, however, also extremely grateful to my father in law for taking off work to do so for us!  It is just a good feeling knowing that she was in good hands as we had to be in Gurnee, IL for our very first RE appointment, a whopping 2 hours away.

So, not only did I send my daughter off to 3K BUT we had our BIG RE appointment.  I really don’t know which I was more nervous about either.  I honestly think I was more nervous about E and sending her off to school as I kind of put our appointment on the back burner and was feeling ill-prepared for it.  With that said, we arrived in Gurnee a couple hours before our actual appointment time so my husband and I were able to stop and eat lunch together and then spend a few more minutes then I would have liked to in the waiting room annoying one another and reading magazines!  Haha.

My appointment started by getting an internal ultrasound, getting my weight and blood pressure taken.  Thankfully, all was ok and nothing new or different really showed up on my ultrasound.  This was a big relief.  Then we were placed back in the waiting room where we waited for about 45 minutes to talk to the doctor (he was running late due to a procedure he was in).  Once we finally got called back we met with the doctor and we began discussing our history of infertility, statistics, where to go from here, and cost.  It was all very overwhelming.

To put it in a nutshell, sadly there is only about a 10% chance of conceiving on our own.  We are throwing out IUI’s from here on out because there is only about a 4% chance they would work.  So, our best option seems to be IVF with ICSI.  Based on age and the amount of Antrals (a new term I learned and had no previous knowledge about) I have our stats go as follows:  If we do IVF W/ICSI with transferring 1 embryo we have a 38% chance of a live birth with a 98% chance of 1 baby and a 2% chance of twins.  If we do 1 embryo transfer with the embryo testing that bumps our chances up to 63% with a 65% chance of 1 baby and a 33% chance of twins.  However, the test costs about an extra $4000 to do and he said most decide against doing the test unless their age or other factors are already playing against them.  He said we are a great candidate for IVF W/ICSI and wouldn’t necessarily have to do the test, unless for peace of mind.  Then we also would have the option to transfer 2 embryos which would give us a 51% of a live birth with a 65% chance of 1 baby and a 33% chance of twins and 2% chance of 3.  Either 1 or 2 embryo transfer would cost us around $11,500 + medication ($3000-5000).

Although both my husband and I know what we need to do to try and make our dreams a reality, I still know we have a lot to think about and discuss.  However, our doctor said if we are ready to go forth with this, all we need to do is put in a phone call to their office and we will continue on from there.

As much as I knew this was the direction we would probably be going, yesterday just completely confirmed it for us.  It was a very emotional car ride home for me and I am filled with lots of thoughts and emotions yet today.  It’s all just so unfair. Nobody should have to go through this to have a baby.  It’s very traumatic.  It takes away from so much.  We both just feel robbed.  IVF is no cake walk either.  The emotional side of it has already taken it’s toll on us and I can’t imagine what our emotions will be like when/if we go through with this.  Then they will be pumping my body full of different drugs with tons of unfriendly side effects.  Not to mention there are 10-14 days worth of shots and then the procedure to remove my eggs where I will have to be put under and then the procedure to have them put back.  My husband also has his part in it that, which is by no means enjoyable.  Then there is the stressful financial side of it all too.  *SIGH*

At the end of the day, it’s my child that makes my day brighter and worth living for.  I wanted nothing more then to just get home yesterday to see E and hear about her day.  When we got home, Grandpa said she was all smiles upon being picked up from school, and by the sounds of some of her stories from her day she really did have a great first day!  To know I have one beautiful, healthy, amazing little girl makes me just feel so blessed.  However, I want nothing more then to give her a sibling to grow up with. I feel that there is a piece missing to our family and a big piece of my heart is missing too.  I just know in my heart of hearts, I will regret not trying everything we possibly can to make that happen even if we have to go through hell and back to make that happen.  I do not know how our story will end, but I do believe that something beautiful will come from all this heartache and brokenness.  The positive is, we still have each other and I love my family with my everything.

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These two sitting beside me are my world and will always have my heart! This was a photo we took together on E’s first day of school.  My husband and I are so proud to have this beautiful little being in our lives and are so lucky God chose us to be her parents!