An Emotional Day…

Yesterday was a BIG day at our house.  It was a get out the kleenex and an “I just knew I should not have worn mascara” kind of day!  I mean how can one not get emotional when they are sending their one and only little girl to their first day of 3K? There were so many thoughts going through my head and sadly, one of them was that this may be the only time I ever get to do this.  With that thought, I embraced the moment to its absolute fullest.  I dressed up E in a cute little first day of school outfit.  We took lots of pictures of her standing on our front stoop and wearing her backpack and holding her “First day of 3K” sign and a picture in front of her school.  There were lots and lots and lots of hugs and kisses given and lots of “I love you’s” said.  I had been prepping her for a long time about going to school, what to expect on her first day, that she needed to follow directions and listen to her teachers, that she needed to use the potty just like she does at home, explained to her how she could make new friends, and we even had the “stranger danger” talk!  She was beyond ready for this day and the excitement beamed on her face, while the tears rolled down mine!

Unfortunately, my husband and I were unable to pick her up from school on her very first day.  I was extremely sad about this, however, also extremely grateful to my father in law for taking off work to do so for us!  It is just a good feeling knowing that she was in good hands as we had to be in Gurnee, IL for our very first RE appointment, a whopping 2 hours away.

So, not only did I send my daughter off to 3K BUT we had our BIG RE appointment.  I really don’t know which I was more nervous about either.  I honestly think I was more nervous about E and sending her off to school as I kind of put our appointment on the back burner and was feeling ill-prepared for it.  With that said, we arrived in Gurnee a couple hours before our actual appointment time so my husband and I were able to stop and eat lunch together and then spend a few more minutes then I would have liked to in the waiting room annoying one another and reading magazines!  Haha.

My appointment started by getting an internal ultrasound, getting my weight and blood pressure taken.  Thankfully, all was ok and nothing new or different really showed up on my ultrasound.  This was a big relief.  Then we were placed back in the waiting room where we waited for about 45 minutes to talk to the doctor (he was running late due to a procedure he was in).  Once we finally got called back we met with the doctor and we began discussing our history of infertility, statistics, where to go from here, and cost.  It was all very overwhelming.

To put it in a nutshell, sadly there is only about a 10% chance of conceiving on our own.  We are throwing out IUI’s from here on out because there is only about a 4% chance they would work.  So, our best option seems to be IVF with ICSI.  Based on age and the amount of Antrals (a new term I learned and had no previous knowledge about) I have our stats go as follows:  If we do IVF W/ICSI with transferring 1 embryo we have a 38% chance of a live birth with a 98% chance of 1 baby and a 2% chance of twins.  If we do 1 embryo transfer with the embryo testing that bumps our chances up to 63% with a 65% chance of 1 baby and a 33% chance of twins.  However, the test costs about an extra $4000 to do and he said most decide against doing the test unless their age or other factors are already playing against them.  He said we are a great candidate for IVF W/ICSI and wouldn’t necessarily have to do the test, unless for peace of mind.  Then we also would have the option to transfer 2 embryos which would give us a 51% of a live birth with a 65% chance of 1 baby and a 33% chance of twins and 2% chance of 3.  Either 1 or 2 embryo transfer would cost us around $11,500 + medication ($3000-5000).

Although both my husband and I know what we need to do to try and make our dreams a reality, I still know we have a lot to think about and discuss.  However, our doctor said if we are ready to go forth with this, all we need to do is put in a phone call to their office and we will continue on from there.

As much as I knew this was the direction we would probably be going, yesterday just completely confirmed it for us.  It was a very emotional car ride home for me and I am filled with lots of thoughts and emotions yet today.  It’s all just so unfair. Nobody should have to go through this to have a baby.  It’s very traumatic.  It takes away from so much.  We both just feel robbed.  IVF is no cake walk either.  The emotional side of it has already taken it’s toll on us and I can’t imagine what our emotions will be like when/if we go through with this.  Then they will be pumping my body full of different drugs with tons of unfriendly side effects.  Not to mention there are 10-14 days worth of shots and then the procedure to remove my eggs where I will have to be put under and then the procedure to have them put back.  My husband also has his part in it that, which is by no means enjoyable.  Then there is the stressful financial side of it all too.  *SIGH*

At the end of the day, it’s my child that makes my day brighter and worth living for.  I wanted nothing more then to just get home yesterday to see E and hear about her day.  When we got home, Grandpa said she was all smiles upon being picked up from school, and by the sounds of some of her stories from her day she really did have a great first day!  To know I have one beautiful, healthy, amazing little girl makes me just feel so blessed.  However, I want nothing more then to give her a sibling to grow up with. I feel that there is a piece missing to our family and a big piece of my heart is missing too.  I just know in my heart of hearts, I will regret not trying everything we possibly can to make that happen even if we have to go through hell and back to make that happen.  I do not know how our story will end, but I do believe that something beautiful will come from all this heartache and brokenness.  The positive is, we still have each other and I love my family with my everything.

Featured image

These two sitting beside me are my world and will always have my heart! This was a photo we took together on E’s first day of school.  My husband and I are so proud to have this beautiful little being in our lives and are so lucky God chose us to be her parents!

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