Just Out of Reach

Without a doubt, my husband and I know that if we want to have another baby our best chances of making that dream a reality is going through with IVF w/ICSI.  Yes, we know that this is no 100% but it sure beats our 10% odds of it happening if we continue trying on our own.  The only thing holding us back from moving forth with it is the root of all evil:  money.

My husband put in a phone call to the billing department at our fertility clinic and without exception they will not work with us (or anyone) on doing payment plans.  They said that they require a $400 payment prior to the egg retrieval and then the rest must be paid in full the day of the procedure.  The means that we are unable to move forward with IVF until we have the amount required to pay for it in full.

Due to all the out of pocket expenses that we’ve already exhausted this year due to infertility, we just don’t have the means right now.  I feel like I have been sucker punched yet again…and have yet another huge bump in this already painful experience.  I am so torn.  Part of me feels like maybe the best decision in this is to just throw in the towel and move on with life as best as we know how.  Part of me is thinking to just take that 10% chance that it could happen on our own and roll with it and try to learn to live with the mentality of it is what it is.  Then my heart starts working overtime and I am overwhelmed with grief when I know that this dream of trying with IVF is right at our fingertips, yet it feels so out of reach.

The fact of our situation is that we will not be able to move on with IVF without the full payment.  We have to keep rolling with that 10% odd for quite some time-for how long I am not sure.  The wait continues.  I’m really, really, really trying to keep a positive attitude but my emotions are really getting the best of me right now. My heart just feels so heavy.

Yet with my heavy heart it is filled with so much joy because of E.  I am forever grateful I got the chance to be a mommy, if even just once in my lifetime.  I really am one of the lucky ones.

It is what it is.

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