My Whole Being is Tired From Grief.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas!  I can’t say that ours was merry and bright BUT we tried making the best of it and I tried being as jolly as I could for E’s sake. It’s not her fault we can’t get pregnant and it’s certainly not fair to her to be glum and take away from these special moments as a family.

I think I did a good job of covering my sadness over the holidays because E was a down right happy girl and we did everything we possibly could to make it special for her and celebrate Jesus’ birthday.  I always thought it was the best thing to be a kid on Christmas until I had my own child and realize that having your own child on Christmas is even better!  Nothing compares to seeing your child’s eyes sparkle and light up at the Christmas Eve worship service, or when they eat more cookies for dinner then actual dinner and when they see that Santa came.  The innocence of it all is just priceless.  I guess that’s why as an adult you want to believe it too– that there could be magic that happens to you over the holidays.  Hope can be so bittersweet though.  Month after month for the last 12 months its been very bittersweet-in my case.

We were grasping at straws and hoping and praying for our Christmas miracle, however, as you can about guess that didn’t happen.  Instead, I was graced with AF.  How cruel it was to have to deal with AF over the holidays.  Ugh.  As if the holidays were not hard enough on me, I most certainly did not need that slap in the face reminder too.  Sometimes I just want to have a pity party for myself and wonder if we’ll ever catch a break in this?  Is there going to be a happy ending to our story? Will we ever get the chance to try IVF?  I really just can’t fathom this nightmare we are living and the daily heartache any longer.  My heart is broken and it just feels like it’s sinking deeper wit each passign day.  Will I ever feel normal again?

Here I sit, and it’s December 29th, 2015…I made it past the holidays, just barely, but now I face the harsh reality that our TTC journey is over for 2015 (there’s always something).  We went another full calendar year without conceiving. Something that should just be an easy thing to do, just isn’t coming so easily for us.  It’s definitely a hard pill to swallow.  I want to believe with all my might that 2016 will be different, it just has to be right? Then a little voice in my head just laughs at me and says, “Really Nichole, what will be any different then last year?” A huge part of me needs to start accepting what is.  I need to accept that this is part of my story whether I planned for it, or not. I need to keep in mind, that it may not end the way we hope or go how we planned.  Napoleon Bonaparte once said, “Courage isn’t having the strength to go on-it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

I must admit, 2015 has been a battle of ups and downs, unfortunately mostly downs-and many days full of grief. Some days I have handled more gracefully then some and those other days I felt on the verge of a mental breakdown. Don’t get me wrong, we have so many countless blessings in our lives but SI truly consumed more of my life then I like to admit this year.  I just can’t imagine doing this and feeling this way again for another 365 days.  I feel like I used up all my strength with this in 2015 and I really need more positive support and energy before I trudge forth in 2016.  However, I am going to be courageous on my own two feet and keep putting one foot in front of the other whether i think i can, or not and take one day at a time with this.  This isn’t something that will just go away.  This isn’t something that I can just erase from my heart. The desire to have another child and give E a sibling will always be there.  I am going to try my darnedest to continue on putting up a good fight.  It certainly hasn’t been an easy path to be on.  I am not the same person I was at the beginning of 2015 as I am coming out of 2015.  I wish my 2016 self luck because I know the days ahead are going to be just as hard, possibly harder. All I can do is continue on with my bittersweet hope that’s in my heart.

 

 

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