It’s amazing how different trying for #2 has been, compared to how it was trying for #1. Not only have we had to have medical intervention and an extreme amount of stress, but we also have had E to think about and try and work around. It has been so much harder this time around in more ways then one. It’s crazy how my husband and I can be having a conversation about our infertility issues and then we forget about how E’s little ears can pick up on pretty much everything we are talking about. Even when we think she isn’t listening, she really is. Some days that little girl amazes me at how smart she is.
Throughout this entire process, no matter how much we try to distract E or give her an activity to keep her preoccupied while we are trying to have these important conversations, she still seems to pick up on things that are said. For example, one day she saw me taking my medication and she said, “Mommy, are you taking that medication so you can help grow a baby in your belly?” Sometimes, I just stand there in shock and think you are only 3.5, and I question how she can comprehend such a complex issue as infertility? Many important conversations have been had with E during this difficult time, and even though the conversations we have with her are on her level, sometimes she can just seem so grown up with her questions, comments, concerns and support she gives us (without even knowing it).
Dealing with infertility is hard enough when you and your partner want a baby, but when you have a little one that wants a baby sister/brother just as badly it really does grab at your heartstrings that much more. E often asks us when will she get a baby brother or sister and we are upfront and tell her that we love her so much and we would love to give her a sibling, but sometimes things don’t always work. We explain that although our heart wants a baby so badly, we may not be able to have a baby like we want, but we will continue to try our hardest to make it happen and we are so incredibly happy that we have her. Once after explaining this to E, she looked at me, grabbed my face and said, “Mama, I want a baby really bad but I will still love you anyways if you and Daddy can’t give me one.” It’s things like this that make me feel like E is wise beyond her years and hearing her say that fill my heart with so much love.
Another thing about E is that she is so incredibly observant. When I had to do injections, sometimes E would watch. Now, some parents may think it’s poor parenting to let your child watch this part of it-however, it’s the real world and sometimes it was just unavoidable. So, E found this to be fascinating. On a couple of the times we did injections she would go downstairs and retrieve her doctor kit, put on her doctor outfit and retrieve her shot from her doctor’s kit and also give me a shot with her pretend shot. You can tell she watched how gentle her daddy was when he gave me shots because E would say, “Now hold still, this won’t hurt at all and I will take care of you Mama.” She loved to be involved and hands on in the process, so we let her. Parts have definitely been a family affair and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that. It always amazes me how caring and loving E is!
Now some may wonder if we are afraid of E talking to the general public about some of the aspects of what she’s seen or heard. We’ve honestly gotten very lucky, and E has not randomly talked about this (that we know of) in the general public. However, if she did I guess I wouldn’t be shocked and as much as nothing prepares you for a conversation about infertility I am always ready to share our story and struggles. I say nothing prepares you, not because I am not prepared for the conversation but a lot of times you run into the other person not being prepared for what is being talked about. I think what we have been through has truly been something that has been life changing and because it’s not a topic that is talked about openly, of course I’m all for talking about it. It may just be odd if E is the one who brings it up, so I’m truly glad we haven’t had to cross that bridge yet.
Our circumstances may not be ideal, but I am thankful for our struggles. I am also thankful that we’ve had E through this hardship. She’s what keeps me going. She is what keeps me laughing. She is what keeps me smiling. She gives the best hugs and the best kisses. It’s been a learning process for all of us. Although it can be tough being a parent through infertility and having to answer those hard questions that your little has, it by no means steals their innocence. I think it opens them up to how special they are and what a miracle babies truly are. I may have some explaining to do when she’s older in regards to how most babies are made though because as of right now I think she thinks they are put in your belly by medications and shots. However, lets keep her innocents a little longer! There are just some things you can’t be completely honest about yet and there are many things her little ears do not need to see and her little eyes do not need to see. Trust me when we say we know our limits!