I’ve never been one to be attached to my hair. I always figure if I cut it, it will just grow back. That’s the fun part about hair-it changes and you can do so many different things with it! I’ve also been very cautious about complaining about my hair because just like with infertility while lady A is sitting over here complaining about her kids lady B is sitting here praying to be in your shoes. With hair, you may be complaining about it while someone is simply wishing for it. It’s truly like the old saying goes, “what you are taking for granted someone else is praying for.”. However, we wouldn’t be human if at some point we didn’t complain about something, especially about a bad hair day. Now, I’m not complaining today about bad hair, yet for the first time I’m really torn on if I should cut it short again or leave it long. I just don’t know what to do, but I did make an appointment at the end of the month so decisions need to be made. I know I want a change, yet for the first time I am feeling really attached to my longer locks. This morning I was contemplating what to do and I came to the conclusion as to why this is a difficult decision for me.
Let me start out by saying, I’ve never had a problem with cutting my hair short or trying something new recommended by a hair stylist. I’ve worn it short for many years. My current hair is the longest it’s been since I was in high school. So why is it so hard for me to figure out what I want to do with it? Then it hit me, I’ve been pretty much growing my hair out since the start of my infertility journey. For me, my hair is pretty much the only thing I’ve had control over. With my infertility, I felt like I had no control, but choosing what to do with my hair gave me control over something, even though it was a little something. Also, I think I’m afraid to cut it because my hair has been with me through this entire process, and during those hard times my hair was sometimes there comforting me. When I was nervous at appointments or during treatments I twirled my hair or played with it. With it longer, I could also hide my facial expressions behind my hair. I know it may sound silly to some, but I am glad that I am having this realization.
Two more reasons why I’ve grown attached to my hair that have nothing to do with infertility, rather they have to do with my daughter and my cat. My daughter is over the moon in love with Disney’s Rapunzel. She is currently trying to grow her hair out and thinks it’s absolutely awesome to be able to sit and brush and play with my hair. I’ve asked her a few times how she feels about Mama cutting her hair and she has made it very clear that she does not want me to cut my hair short, she wants it to stay long like Rapunzel’s hair. I know if I cut my hair short, it would upset her and my appearance is all she knows. She doesn’t know me with short hair and I fear how she will react if I cut it short. I also know that my cat loves my hair as well. She too, finds comfort in making biscuits in my hair at night and purrs to hear hearts content. I also straiten my hair and every morning when she hears me doing this she comes running and sits below me at my feet waiting for me to rub my warm ironed hair on her face. It’s seriously our routine every morning. In a sense, my hair has truly become a part of me.
So with a few of these realizations, I have come to the main conclusions that my longer hair is my definition with my personal struggle with infertility. It’s become part of my daily routine and my cat’s routine and if anyone knows me if I get out of my routines the whole world seems to be a complete disaster. My hair is linked to many senses, and one sense I love is how nice it feels when my daughter brushes it and the bond we share while she’s doing this. With all of this, as much as a hair change scares me-I feel like it’s time. It’s time to close this chapter in my book and start a new one. As easy as it would be for me to let my long hair stay, in my heart I think I know it’s time for it to go. There are better things awaiting me in my future and with that also come some changes. I especially don’t want infertility to define me as a person anymore, so once again I’m taking control and I’m going to cut it off and close this door.
I’ll be sure to keep you posted on what I do at the end of the month!