Infertility Is…

I wanted to share what some of these words associated with infertility mean to me,

 

Unexpected:  I never in my life expected to struggle with Secondary Infertility.  Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mom and I knew I wanted a big family.  It was just something that God placed in my heart at a very early age.  When we had E, it was the best day of my life and it was one of the happiest days in my life.  From the day I had her, I knew I wanted to have another baby but when it just wasn’t happening and we were diagnosed with Secondary Infertility it hit me like a ton of bricks and just seemed to come out of left field.  I couldn’t help but think, Why me?  Why us?

Difficult:  The reality of our circumstance was difficult in and of itself to accept, but the real difficulty came after months had passed and then years and still we were not pregnant.  All the things we tried a long the way had failed and that brought a lot of hardships into our life.

Challenging:  Infertility has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life.  There are some days I just can not grasp that this has been the cards I’ve been dealt.  It truly makes every day hard because of how deeply my heart aches for another child and even on my “good” days in this there are still triggers in this that make my days extremely challenging to get through.

Life-Shattering:  When we were told our best option at having another baby was IVF and that we only had a 10% chance of conceiving on our own it truly felt like my life fell apart.  I did’t know where we were supposed to go from here and I certainly didn’t know what my future would hold because my dream was to always have a big family.

Testing:  There is something everyday that tests you in the infertility world.  You are tested to hold it together when most would understand if you fell apart.  Going through something like this makes you question your faith and God.

Soul:  Every part of my soul has ached during our struggle.  It’s soul sucking.

Common:  7.3 million Americans suffer from infertility.  It is crazy to think I didn’t even know Secondary Infertility existed until it happened to me.  It’s so much more common then we’d ever imagine.

Debilitating:  There are some days I just have felt so incredibly weak or like I don’t even want to get out of bed and face the day because the emotions and triggers of infertility are just too much to bear.

Perseverance:  My motto in this has been to never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about.  There hasn’t been one day that has went by that I haven’t though about expanding our family and I’ve been so determined, no matter how rocky the path, to make our dreams come true.

Changing: It seems while everything and everyone around you is changing and growing, I have just been standing still.  It’s insane how much infertility begins to consume you.

Heavy:  Daily, my heart has been heavy and aching for what my heart so badly desires.

Shattering:  When you are dealing with infertility it is life shattering.  Many days in the last two years my husband and I have spent in distress and tears over how this circumstance has robbed us of so much and has changed our life forever.

Dream:  Everyday, I wondered when I would wake up from this nightmare of my life?  It seemed that it was just that-a dream that may never come true.

Never-Ending:  Day in and day out the struggles of infertility are all around you.  Even the days you try not to think about it something triggers you and you get right back in that mindset that is soul crushing.

Lonely:  Never in my life have I felt so alone.  However, I am grateful for the few friends and family who have reached out and the women in my support groups that have been my sounding boards.  No one knows the song in your heart though and how badly I desired a baby and how sad it’s been for me to not have this happen-that’s the most lonely part.

Unfair:  Something that should just happen so naturally that isn’t happening is just unfair.  To have make the decision to spend $20,000+ on treatments that may help but come with no guarantee is not something I wish upon anyone.  It’s also not fair how misunderstood this disease is, and yes it is a disease.

Hell:  When you are going through infertility you feel like you are living in some sort of daily hell.

Frustrating:  It seemed like for ever step forward there has been a step back for us which has always been very frustrating.  People in my life who don’t take the time to understand where I’m coming from or have the empathy to see what I’ve been through frustrate me.  Wanting a baby so badly and doing everything you possibly can to make it happen and it still isn’t happening is frustrating.  Spending money you don’t have to make your dream come true with no 100% is frustrating, especially when it’s money we shouldn’t have had to spend when it is something that should just happen naturally.

Cruel:  There wasn’t one day I would say to my husband, “This feels like someone is just playing one cruel joke on us.”

Painful:  Infertility hurts.  It hurts mentally.  It hurts emotionally.  It hurts physically.

Real:  Infertility is real.  It’s not something that is in our control entirely.  No amount of relaxing or eliminating stress will help make a baby.

Exhausting:  Infertility is tiresome.  It’s wearing.  There have been days I just want to punch it in it’s face.  You get to the point where you just want no part of it anymore, but it just doesn’t go away.

Faith:  “Hope is an Anchor to the soul.”-Hebrews 6:19.  Without my faith and without a little hope, it would have made each and every single day more difficult.

Disappointing:  Infertility in and of itself is disappointing.  What is even more disappointing is to get your hopes up time and time again and have failed treatment after failed treatments…so heart wrenching.

Expensive:  When insurance covers no part of infertility it’s expensive.  It makes going forth with treatments harder when it comes down to money all of the time.  I will never regret trying and spending our money on this but it’s so unfair that we had to.  I just think of all the other things we could have done with that money-put into E’s college fund, take a family vacation and make lasting memories, pay off our debt, invest more into our house, etc-that’s where the guilt comes from.  When you put money into a treatment with no 100% it’s like gambling every time.

Suffocating:  The in-your face reminders of what was not happening for us was what was most suffocating.  This is why baby showers are hard for me.  As much as you are happy for another person and want to celebrate in your joy it truly is suffocating.  Anyone going through this is allowed to step back and do what you need to do for you because it isn’t easy.  Little things make it easier though, you just have to recognize what triggers you and what doesn’t.

Disease:  Infertility is a disease.  Most do not acknowledge it as such.  A big misunderstanding surrounds the topic because of this.

Relationship:  Infertility affects your relationship and it will either make you or break you.  I’m lucky to say that my relationship has been strong enough to withhold our struggle and I am so grateful we’ve made it this far together.

Empty:  The longing for this child in your heart and it isn’t happening creates such a void and empty feeling.

Humbling:  Although this journey is hard, it’s also very humbling and has been a huge eye opener for me.  This is why I’ve gotten to the point in my journey where I can be thankful for my struggle.  It’s taught me so much and I’ve connected with so many amazing people along the way and for that I am eternally grateful.

Overwhelming:  From accepting what is, to appointments, medications, treatment options, decision making, etc-it’s all just so much to take in.

Heartbreaking:  Infertility is heartbreaking.  Even if you are able to overcome your infertility in the end, I always hear so many women who say it’s something that will forever stick with you and you will be forever changed because of it.

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2 thoughts on “Infertility Is…

  1. Wow. You so eloquently summed up what I experienced during our secondary infertility journey. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. There are so few blogs focused on secondary, yet from what I understand, there are more secondary than primary cases. Thank you for having the courage to speak up about it. Best wishes to you.

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    • Thank you! It truly is hard to find many secondary infertility blogs out there. When I decided to break my silence about secondary infertility it was my hope that I would reach others struggling too and help to be a voice, when someone else felt like they couldn’t. It has also been my hope that my courage to talk about my struggle will help others to start talking about their struggles and help them to feel less alone and give them someone else to relate to. When you find others who say “me too”, although you don’t wish this upon them, it’s one of the most relieving feelings of all, especially when you find that someone who understands the depth of this heartache. I appreciate your wishes & your comment!

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