As the “end” draws near…

As my due date quickly approaches I am starting to become overwhelmed with emotions.  Most of these emotions feel bittersweet.  Typically, when people ask me how I’ve been feeling, I look at them with my tired eyes and say, “Put a fork in me, I’m done.”  However, that is the exhaustion and pain talking.  What I am really feeling is a combination of happy, sad, anxious, excited, & a bit scared.  Let me explain a bit.

The last few months have been physically painful which has taken it’s toll on me, as it would any normal human being.  For that reason, I am happy that the end is near so some of this pain is relieved and my body can start functioning normally again.  I’m also happy that after all this waiting, we will finally get to meet our little girl.  As you all know, we’ve waited quite a while to meet this little baby, add to our family, and give E a sibling.  Happiness comes also from that fact that we did this.  We are 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant and I am just so proud of how far we’ve come-it brings tears of joy to my eyes.

However, there have also been some tears of sadness in my eyes lately.  As I look at our countdown to our due date, which is  now 3 weeks and 3 days (give or take) away I can’t help but feel a little sad that my pregnancy will be over.  It just took so long to get pregnant and even through the exhausting and painful days-I tried so hard to embrace every moment of it which included the good, the bad, and the ugly!  It seems like it just went so fast-in the blink of an eye.  Knowing what it took to get us pregnant, I also know our reality and the fact that getting pregnant again may come with the same amount of difficulty.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again-the heart wants what it wants and my heart already knows I would do this all over again.  It’s just sad knowing that this could potentially be it for us. It’s truly bittersweet.

The feelings of anxiousness that come with being both happy and sad can be overwhelming.  I’m so anxious to meet this little baby and I am also anxious about not being pregnant anymore.  Right now it’s easy because baby is inside me and not much feels different about the way we go about our daily life and routines.  Life is about to change in a big way for me and my husband, not to mention E.  Change is hard for us all and I’m anxious about how full our plate is about to get, yet I’m so happy anxious for this as well.  I was just telling my husband that it’s going to be hard sharing our time and love with another baby and still being fully present for E-this thought also makes me anxious.  E has been our biggest priority since she has been born and not to mention our biggest pride and joy!  I simply can’t imagine my heart being anymore full-I’m so anxious to experience being parents the 2nd time around! I’m also anxious to see how she responds to the new baby and it makes me a bit worried about changing behavior in E because of baby.  It’s also the feeling of “starting over”.  E is 4 and is so far away from the baby stage-I am anxious at the things I have forgotten or if we are fully prepared to do this again.  It’s all just overwhelming.

Even with it feeling overwhelming, it’s also simply just a very exciting time for our family.  I feel like this has been a whirlwind of emotions since the very mention of trying for #2 and it’s almost time for her to actually be here!  I can barely contain my excitement!  I have been dreaming of this babies birthday for quite some time and now that it’s right around the corner my heart skips a beat just imagining it all!  My husband is excited.  Etta is excited and I am excited….excited, excited, excited!

With that excitement, also comes being scared!  Even though I did this once before and I know what to expect for the most part there is so much rolling around my brain about the birthing process again.  Every birth is different and although I had a great birthing experience with E, there is just so much that could go differently and that scares me to death.  I’m also a bit scared to leave E for those few days I’ll be in the hospital.  She’s been on a mommy kick lately and also hasn’t been sleeping the best at night–I just to keep telling myself she will be in good hands while I’m away and will be just fine!  I’m also scared about leaving the hospital and knowing once we go home it’s all us-it’s going to be a whole new world for us and it’s scary!

As the end draws near, I am going to try my best to continue to embrace this pregnancy until the very last day.  I’ve enjoyed watching my belly grow and feeling all the feels that come with it! I’ve enjoyed having E through this pregnancy experience and see her eyes light up at the moment of her sister in my belly.  I will never forget the look on my husbands face the day we got the phone call that our IVF attempt worked!  Although it’s a bittersweet time in my life I know all too well to enjoy the now because time goes by so quickly and you’ll never get this exact experience of this moment-the right here, right now, ever again.  All I can do is relax, take a couple deep breaths and hope and pray for the best right now and in our future.  I continue to hold on to my faith, I try to stay hopeful, and count my blessings!  Bittersweet as it may be, life is still more sweet then bitter and I’m so thankful for that!




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