Eyes Wide Open

As I’m in my final days of being pregnant, and I am in a lot of pain and discomfort, I was thinking back to the beginning of my infertility journey when I would roll my eyes at other women who would constantly complain of their pregnancy aches and pains. Even knowing that pregnancy is not all roses and sunshine myself, I still was this person.  I was filled with a lack of compassion and full of judgement.  In my defense, (although there is never an excuse for bad behavior), infertility is a hard pill to swallow and was one of the most difficult times in my life.  At times it made me a person I wasn’t proud of and it stole so much joy from me. Not only did it steal joy from my life, but it stole from me the ability to be understanding of others at that time because of the raw and bitter feelings it created inside me-namely towards women who easily got pregnant when I wasn’t so easily getting pregnant.

Now that I’m in these shoes again and I’ve been complaining A LOT lately about the pain and discomfort, it made me think about how I thought that these women were taking for granted their pregnancy and how I’d give anything to steal their aches and pains away to be placed in their shoes. These women used to honestly annoy the crap out of me and it seemed I couldn’t escape them-they were everywhere!  I’ve come to two conclusions on this.  One conclusion is that these women are not taking their pregnancy for granted and they are not purposely trying to rub their pregnancy in your face.  They are simply human.  The second conclusion that really is a no brainier is that in order to get compassion, one must first give compassion-no matter what, no excuses.

For me, this pregnancy has been so different in the fact that I’ve tried to embrace every part of it-the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I’ve tried to bite my tongue when it comes to how I’m truly feeling or when asked I tend to sugar coat my feelings so as not to be judged by anyone or make anyone feel how I did while going through infertility.  Most importantly, I’ve tried to handle this pregnancy with so much grace.  When I catch myself complaining, I remind myself that this does not make me ungrateful for this pregnancy.  Instead, it makes me human. I have feelings too and just because I went through this big trial of infertility it does not make me immune to being human.  Yet the complaints I have still come with some guilt because I never want to appear ungrateful for this blessing. Although I know I’m human and have a right to complain, infertility left some scars that I’m still working on!

If you know me, I’m far from ungrateful for my pregnancy.  However, looking back, I can admit my faults and say that I wasn’t so compassionate towards my pregnant family or friends during their pregnancy’s or even complete strangers.  Again, no excuses for bad behavior but sometimes it takes going through a major ordeal to see the big picture and learn from it and get a changed perspective.  It’s really what we take away from situations in our life that can make us better, kinder, more compassionate and more helpful individuals.  No one is perfect, but everyone is human.  Every human deserves to be shown compassion.