Something I can’t Control…

It’s interesting when anxiety attacks hits you.  Sometimes when it comes you can almost feel it building up, other times it comes on with a single thought and then there are those times it comes on without any warning whatsoever.  Man oh man though, when it hits you-your heart starts racing, your mind starts worrying, and the panic is almost suffocating.

There are so many things in our lives that we can not control.  Realizing this, when something happens that is out of my control I try to figure out the best way to move past the circumstance. Although it can be hard at first, I usually overcome it and move forward. However, the one circumstance that feels like it is so out of my control and hard to move forward from is Secondary Infertility.  It’s like I just can’t escape the dark cloud that hangs over my shoulders with it and yet again I find my heart starting to race, my mind starting to worry, and that panic that is suffocating.  I literally can’t breathe thinking about how out of control this one circumstance is in my life.

My mom has always said, along with many friends of mine who are done having babies, that when you are done having babies you just know you are done.  I’ve been told that even when you get to make that choice for yourself, it can be hard, but you also have that sense of contentment with your decision to be done. Be grateful you get to make that choice for yourself, because it’s my fear I will not get to make that choice for myself.  I’ve said it many times, and am saying it again- I have been blessed this year by having our miracle baby.  I am so incredibly grateful and I never want to come across as being ungrateful or take her for granted.  However, I also knew from the moment I was pregnant with K that even through all the hardships in trying to have her, that God has placed that longing for another baby in my heart.  I just know I am not done having babies and I don’t want to be just yet.  Just like with both my girls, when you want a baby, it’s just something you can’t automatically shut off.  This longing is very much out of my control.  It’s there.  I feel it so strongly.  It’s when I think about the reality of our situation yet again, that the anxiety creeps in.

I will be having my postpartum well check next Thursday so one of the things my husband and I have been talking about is whether or not I should go on birth control again this time around.  Hands down, I do not want to go back on birth control.  Knowing we want another baby and knowing what we had to do to get K, I honestly have the “whatever happens, happens” mindset right now. Although I know with K, our chances were 10% being able to conceive on our own and the likelihood of conceiving the 3rd on our own is slim, I do believe in miracles and I still have hope that it COULD happen on its own.

Yet again though, anxiety creeps in with the reality that it may not happen and we may have to make that hard decision of either being done having children or deciding on going through IVF again.  I’ve always thought that having children would be my choice and when I wanted to be done having them would be my choice.  Never did I think I may be forced into the decision of having to be done simply because I can’t have children.  Oh man, and there is that suffocating panic feeling.  My heart is beating fast.  I am filled with so much worry about our future with this.

I realize that we just had K and many will even tell me that we have plenty of time yet & not to fret.  However, I know that my time clock is ticking.  I know what we are facing.  I know the odds are not in our favor.  I know the time is now, not tomorrow.  I do fret and I am full of anxiety over this and all I can do today is take one deep breath at a time to try to calm my anxious mind, body and soul.

My fertility is not in my control and I am constantly reminding myself of God’s perfect timing and that hope will anchor my soul just as it did before.  It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it… just as it was before.  Slowly, I feel some calm wash over me, but I know the anxiety will come back because this is just something I can’t control and the outcome today is uncertainty.

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