Thank you!

One thing I am truly grateful for in my journey with secondary infertility, motherhood and being on the opposing side of secondary infertility is being able to openly and very honestly share how I feel and talk about exactly what I am going through.  I know that being as open as I have been with all of you is simply not that easy for some individuals, which is understandably so.  It takes time; I know it did for me.  I know some individuals who never get to the point of feeling comfortable to share at all, and that’s completely ok too.  I did get to the point where I needed an outlet, a connection, and support so I made the decision to start sharing.  Again, I know everyone is different and handles circumstances differently.  My only hope of sharing was that my story would hopefully reach someone else in a similar situation and be helpful in some way, shape or form and also give me someone to connect with.  With a very happy heart, I can confidently say I there have been many of you who have reached out and I’ve had such a genuine connection with many of you.  Therefore, I have no regrets about becoming vulnerable and risking my privacy to share.  It’s all been worth it–the good, the bad and the ugly.

Furthermore, our world today is filled with so much judgement, so much hate, and so much cruelty that some times simply connecting with another human being and sharing your truth in a compassionate, loving, and understanding way can mean so much to someone going through a difficult time. You really never know who you can help by sharing your raw emotions.  It has simply amazed me the individuals who have reached out to me and have “come out of the woodwork” so to speak after I have shared my struggle, and have said “me too”.

Although I never wish hardships or tough times on anyone, simply hearing someone else say “me too” can be a breath of fresh air because that means you’ve found that connection with someone who you can truly relate with, who understands you and what you are going through, and who can give you the support you’ve been longing for.  Suddenly, you feel less depressed and less alone and feel like you don’t have to isolate yourself any longer.   Infertility, motherhood, and getting to the other side of infertility can be very overwhelming, lonely, and depressing.  The irony of being open about your truth is that not only can your story help someone else, but it can also be therapeutic for yourself as well.  I encourage you to be vulnerable because we are NEVER alone.

I’ve been sharing my raw emotions with you now for over a year, and I just wanted to thank all of you for giving me a “safe place” to do so.  I want to thank you for being brave and reaching out and sharing with me your truth.  I want to thank you for the support, love, empathy, and understanding you have all graced me with.  I also want to thank you for making this a non-judgmental zone.  It’s been such a great experience for me to be able to share my thoughts, feelings, and struggles along with my joys.  I am not perfect and this life does not come with instructions by any means.  I am human.  I am a human who just wants to feel a compassionate connection with other individuals doing life.  Life is not easy, but it has the potential always to be so good.  Even in our hardest times, we have the potential to seek joy, show others love and compassion and to be kind.  I can’t say it enough how much I appreciate all of you who have been these things and more.  I hope you have felt it back from me!  Although it’s been a roller coaster ride so far-this blog has been a beacon of light for me and again, I hope for you too!

If there is anything I can do with you with my blog never hesitate to reach out.  If there are topics you’d like me to talk about within the realm of infertility, motherhood or the opposing side of infertility let me know.  I’d be happy to touch on them, especially if you have not found your voice yet in this-I’d be happy to be a confidential voice for you or if you just need someone to talk to to connect with, I’m your girl!

Thank you again, my love for you all is huge!









Encouragement needed.

Life has been moving in full speed for me 24/7.  There are no breaks for rest, no quiet moments, or time to regroup my mind, body, and soul.  I’m not sleeping much either these days.  It seems if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Some of these things have been big and some have been small.  Some of these things have been causing little stress and some have been causing great stress.  There are moments where I am so overwhelmed I feel like I can’t even think strait.  Then there have been moments my anxiety is sky rocketing because I think too much while I am thinking strait.  On a daily basis, I look up to the heavens and think Dear God, Help me!!!  I take a deep breath and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but my tank is on E.

Recently, I found the milk in the cubboard, instead of the fridge.  I walked into the living room because I needed something in there, except halfway there I forgot why I was going into the living room to begin with.  I’m still trying to think of what that something was-although, probably insignificant now. I got to the parking lot of E’s school to drop off her class snack for the week, only to turn around and look in the backseat of the car and realize I left all the snacks at home.  One morning, I also started applying my mascara as eyeliner and not because I didn’t have eyeliner and I was trying to improvise but because I truly thought I was holding my eyeliner.  Clearly these are a few examples of being overwhelmed and exhausted.

If I am honest with myself and you, I am 100% overwhelmed and exhausted right now.  I am knee deep in the constant demands of my family and daily duties.  I am constantly hearing other moms saying they need a nap and/or coffee to make it through another day and sadly I don’t think either of those things would suffice for me right now, although if either were offered to me I would not turn them down.

If asked what I do need to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day to energize and motivate me, I truly come up blank.  This is because I’ve forgotten the me in me. I’ve given so much of myself to my family I never have the energy to even think of myself anymore.  Down time (by myself) has always been something I need to gain some get up and go back.  Down time is non-existent lately.   The me in me is on the back burner constantly, causing a complete burnout and depletion of energy.  I am seeking daily encouragement as well because I constantly feel like the worst mom or a failure and am beating myself up for not being able to juggle it all.  I compare myself to working moms who still have to do what I do.  I feel like I can’t do it all and I am not working and always think to myself I don’t know how I could work and do this!

Am I being too hard on myself?  Maybe. As a mom, it’s especially hard to admit all of what I’ve talked about.  It’s hard to admit when you need help.  It’s hard to admit that you feel like you need a break.  It’s hard to be vulnerable and admit that you can’t do it all.  It’s also ok to need some time to yourself so you can regroup.  I’m slowly realizing I can’t take care of everyone and everything if I am not taking care of myself.

I feel like I’m losing my ever-loving mind.  I’m forgetting what inspires me, drives me and gives me hope…

Today, I just need some encouragement.

Happy New Year!

It’s amazing how much pain you can be in and still want to put your child first.

New Years Eve started off to be much like any other New Years Eve has been for us since having kids-pretty uneventful and low key with no major plans.  Like years past, I was badgering my husband about what he wanted to do and questioning why we didn’t make plans OR why the heck we didn’t get a babysitter?!!!  Sometimes it feels like we are just zzzzzzz….BORING!

The day quickly got away from us, as it has pretty much since K was born and the evening arrived.  My husband did go out and get steaks at the grocery store and made us all a nice steak dinner.  I must say it was delicious-even though I had to gobble down half of it because K was crying for her dinner (a.k.a milkes), so I resorted to the recliner chair to feed her.  My husband so kindly cut up the rest of my steak and brought my plate to the chair for me and I continued eating my food left handed, while my plate balanced on the arm rest and my dog was sitting and drooling beside me too close for comfort.  This is pretty much similar to how most meals go for me these days and much like the rest, this one wasn’t pretty people because I am not left handed.  Eating left handed when you are not left handed is hard and I look like a toddler trying to figure out how to use my utensils for the first time!  Needless to say, the sum of my food landed on K (poor baby), my lap, or the chair (this is also why we don’t own nice furniture)!  Somehow though, I managed to get a full belly and move on to the next part of our evening.

Since we had no plans, we all just got in our PJ’s after dinner and decided to relax and enjoy our evening together. This ended up with both my husband and E falling asleep on the couch, K slumbering peacefully on my chest in the chair and me awake watching everyone else have fun at times square on TV (except maybe Mariah Carey, oooh that was painful to watch her “performance”).  After awhile I nudged my hubby awake and asked him to carry E to her bed and then I put K in her swing.  My thoughts were since both kiddos were asleep it would be nice to actually sit next to my husband on the couch together for once and snuggle.  However, when I got up to put K in her swing, I noticed i had a dull aching pain on my right side that radiated from my stomach to my side to my back.  It hurt, but nothing too awful.  I told my husband about it right away (I had similar pain the day before Christmas Eve so I thought it was strange it had returned).  He rubbed my back a bit and we continued to snuggle up on the couch and watch TV.

Unfortunately, as the night continued the pain persisted and kept getting worse.  By the time I went to bed I was in agonizing pain and could barely lift my right leg without crying.  Then the uncontrollable shivers started and then I began to vomit.  I knew something wasn’t right, but being the stubborn person I am, I ignored my husbands begging and pleading with me that I should go to the emergency room.  Once my pain got to the point where I even thought I should go to the emergency room, my husband called his parents to come stay with E so we could go.  Needless to say, we (my husband, K and I) rang in the New Year in the Emergency room and I was in a ton of pain and thankful for the relief of pain meds once I got there.

Now, remember earlier how I was complaining that our night was boring?  Yes, yes I complained about being bored.  When I was little, my mom always said, “If you are bored, I’ll give you something to do so you won’t be bored.”  This was always the instant reminder to just shut up and find something to do and stop complaining or mom was gonna give us something less then pleasurable to do to occupy our time.  No thanks!  Well God, you caught me complaining and I vow to never complain or take for granted a low key New Years ever again.  Our New Years ended up being quite the night because I ended up with a 5mm kidney stone that required me to have surgery to remove.  Hands down, having a kidney stone is the worst pain I’ve ever been in and I can vouch now for my dad, who also is prone to kidney stones, that it is worse then childbirth (and I didn’t even pass the stone myself).  It was by far the worst New Years I’ve ever had and probably that my husband has ever had.

We ended up bringing K with us to the emergency room because she is strictly breastfeeding.  We’ve tried bottles with her in the past but she refuses them every time.  We’ve tried different kinds of bottles, and different techniques with the same results-a crying, choking, gagging, very unhappy baby.  My baby just enjoys her milkes strait from her Mama.  This is fine by me normally, but in this emergency situation it made me very stressed out and very worried for the well being of my precious baby.  Instead of having the surgery, I almost went with my other option of going home and passing the stone myself (which would have  been absolutely miserable) just so this would not affect K in any way.  Doing the surgery, my doctors told me I would need to stop bf once I take the antibiotic before surgery and because I would be getting anesthesia, that I would need to pump and dump for 24 hours.  This meant no breast feeding K for 24 hours!  It’s amazing to me how much pain you can be in and still want to put your child’s needs first.  This is truly how I was feeling.  I was in so much pain, but that did not trump the love I have for my daughter.  After many tears and lots of deliberating with my husband we made the hard (yet easy) decision to go through with the surgery.  The doctor said we had made a great choice and he would, under no circumstance, if this was his wife, would want to see her have to pass this 5 mm. stone on her own at home.

So, I breast fed and pumped as much as I could before my surgery and snuggled my little sweetie pie (who by the way was such an good baby while we were at the hospital) harder then I’d ever snuggled her before all the while missing my other little lady (but knew shew as in wonderful hands).  It’s also crazy to me the things that go through your mind as you’re being wheeled away for surgery and giving your husband and child those last kisses and seeing them walk away without you to the waiting room.  It’s heartbreaking and scary and no fun at all.  They were my last thoughts that I remember before closing my eyes and my first thoughts I had as I came to after surgery.

I love my family so much and as a mother would do anything for my peanuts and even my husband.  As a mom though, we often neglect to take care of ourselves and always are last on the list.  As much as I didn’t want to put my needs first and as hard as it was to know that K would be affected in a not so fun way by my decision was heartbreaking and worrisome BUT I am so glad I had that sucker removed.  In that situation, I needed to put myself first.  A good friend also told me as I was texting her that there is no point in worrying because it’s like suffering twice.  Let me tell you, she was right.  I was so worried about K and although getting through hat 24 hour hump of no breastfeeding was difficult on us both, we also both survived it.  I also survived the surgery and am home.  Although recovery has been less then enjoyable I know that soon our lives will be getting back to normal and I will also be feeling better.

It’s unbelievable to me how unexpected all this was and how quickly our evening changed and how easily we take for granted even the simplest of things from a boring evening to breastfeeding!  So, although I do not make resolutions at New Years, I always like to become aware of changes that need to be made and self improvements that need to be had.  One such thing for me is to always relish in the small things because one day they will be the big things!   Another is to always tell those you love exactly how you feel at all times and never forget to hug or kiss them (even if they are already asleep).  I say this because E fell asleep on the night of my surgery and all I could think about was how I didn’t even kiss her goodnight, hug her, read her bedtime stories or was able to say I love you before I left for the emergency room.  Thirdly, you can love your kids with your everything but sometimes you just have to put your needs first.  You can’t take care of your loved ones if you are not taking care of yourself.  These are just a few things I need to work on in the New year.

Happy New Year, I can hardly believe it’s 2017.  I’m hoping and praying the way our year started doesn’t set the tone for the rest of the year!  I’m hoping we have a pretty boring rest of the year for once!