4 month mark

Tomorrow, K hits the 4 month mark.  I thought the time went by so incredibly fast with my first, but it seems to be going even faster with her.  This time with K has been both incredibly precious & also bittersweet.  With each passing moment, in the back of my mind I silently wonder what God has in store for our future.  I always wanted a big family (4-5 kids) but now that we know what we know about our fertility, I just don’t know if another child will be in the cards for us. This thought makes me sad and the thought of not being able to be in control of that decision for our family is such a hard pill to swallow.  We still don’t know 100% what the cause of our secondary infertility was, as we never got a very concrete diagnosis.  We really only got some speculation of a few things that could be playing a role in it.

After K was born, and I suppose all throughout my pregnancy with her, I automatically thought about getting pregnant just 1 more time. It has been a nagging thought pulsating in the back of my brain almost on a daily basis.  However, I don’t know if it would be logical for us to have another if it has to be under the circumstances that we had her.  Do I count my blessings and be thankful for the two children we have or do I go back to a place of great uncertainty?  It’s a hard decision and it scares me.

I’ve always said this longing in your heart to have a baby is just something you can’t shut off.  I already know that in my heart, I do not feel like I’m done having children.  I want at least one more.  Yet, I’ve been trying to tell myself we are done.  I think the reason I keep telling myself we are done, even though my heart is telling me we are not, is because we were only given a 10% chance of conceiving on our own with K.  That’s such a low percentage.  Could we be that lucky couple that is able to conceive naturally after going through something like this? Maybe.  However, I’m convinced it’s very doubtful.  I want to have hope that it could happen, but I don’t know if I’m ready to go back to feeling the double edged sword that hope gave me during our trying time with infertility in the past.

I know we had a positive outcome at the end of our IVF journey with K, but it was a very emotional and trying time in our life.  Hands down, it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through in my entire life.  Worth it, it was 100%…but I always know that the reality of our fate could have ended so differently.  I also am a realist and know that just because it worked the first time, doesn’t necessarily mean it will work again.

Yes, just 4 short months ago I had a baby but I feel some of the same thoughts and feelings slowly creeping back into my days and even my nights.  Some may think it’s too early to think about having another baby so soon after just having one, but when you’ve walked a mile in the infertility world you know time is not always on your side.  Time is precious. The time is now.  I’ve been told multiple times that when you make the decision that your family is complete, it will always be a hard decision yet you just know you are done.  I believe this to be true because I know I’m not done because I don’t feel done.  I want another baby.

…and this terrifies me.

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4 thoughts on “4 month mark

  1. Oh goodness, I can so relate to this way of feeling!! Secondary infertility is tricky because on the one hand, we’re thankful for our kids, but we also look ahead with hope for more.
    “but when you’ve walked a mile in the infertility world you know time is not always on your side” – absolutely!!
    I am 36, will be 37 in June and our youngest is eight months old…I was scared of getting pregnant after having her because I had a c-section (my first one) but then, at about the five month mark, I was looking to the future for our fifth and final baby. We’re not using birth control (havent been for a few months) but we’re not trying either. I’m nervous that I’ll start back with the wanting and longing that completely shattered me before….I definitely don’t want to.

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  2. I’m glad you were able to relate to this, yet I’m sorry you can. This feeling is not something I wish upon anyone. It’s a very tricky feeling and being able to cope with it is so difficult. I wish you the very best in whatever comes next for you!

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  3. My heart goes out to you! I have two kids as well and we are contemplating a third, maybe. However, we didn’t struggle with fertility – though both our parents did. They had two kids each but wanted at least three. So now they are (gently, quietly) pressuring us to have a third. I think they don’t want us to feel the pain of not having as big a family as they wished. But every family planning decision is a personal one; if your heart wants a bigger family, then – I realize this is easy for me to say – go for it and try. You can at least try, no matter what God has in store for you.

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    • Family planning is a very personal decision for sure. This is why I would always cringe when others would ask me when we were giving our first born a sibling. Not only did it trigger me in a horrible way because we were struggling to conceive, but I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that not everyone can “plan” to have more when it doesn’t happen so easily. If they only knew! I don’t think it’s a matter of us not trying because even when we were always trying…it’s just all the feelings associated with trying and it not happening month after month that I am not sure that I want to face or have resurface-it’s not an easy road to be on. Thank you for your comment!

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