Today I was updating my girl’s baby books and photo books. When I was looking through K’s photo book, the picture of our two embryo’s that we transferred (one being K) caught my eye. It started to make me think about how far K has come since that little embryo that she once was. It also got me thinking about how truly amazing the IVF process is. There are days I am still in disbelief at this beautiful miracle that has been a part of our lives the last 4 months. Then, a wave of grief struck me while thinking about that other little embryo. The embryo that we lost. The embryo that arrested and absorbed into my body. The embryo that was made up of cells, but never continued to thrive…the embryo that was our potential baby, but is now gone. Gone forever.
Honestly, I’ve never really taken the time to grieve over this loss in my life, let alone talk about it openly. However, it’s always been a thought in the forefront of my mind. Both embryos were created with so much hope and so much love so it is painful to think about our baby that could have been. Yet, we are so grateful that K did make it. She’s physically here in our arms to hold, to kiss, to snuggle. It’s such a relief that she is thriving, healthy and strong. I have tried so very hard to not get caught up thinking about the negative aspect of our circumstances and instead be grateful for the blessing God gave us.
Yet, I always wonder about this loss in my life and about our potential baby. I grieve the fact that I will never see the baby that embryo could have become. I grieve the fact that I will never get to hold, hug or kiss, snuggle, feed, or soothe that potential baby. I grieve for my children that they will never know their potential sibling. What a huge loss that little embryo is to our family. I truly will never forget the day both embryos were transferred into my uterus and the feeling that they were finally “home”.
I must admit, it feels good to openly talk about this, even if only for a short while. It’s something I’ve been harboring inside for a while now. It’s amazing when things can be stored away in your mind and something can trigger all these emotions to come forth. That is exactly what happened to me today as I opened that photo book. I know it is normal to be sad & to grieve, but life too must go on…and I am just grateful for this life and for it’s many blessings in mine.