NIAW Continues


I openly shared this video of our struggles on my Facebook page when we announced we were expecting with K.  I also shared it in this blog.  However, in light of National Infertility Awareness week I want to share it again.  Some of you may have already viewed it, others may not have.  It’s my wish that it gives those of you still struggling, a little bit of hope.

Watching it again myself brings tears to my eyes.  Reflecting back on this is still pretty emotional and raw for me.  Although, K has been with us for 5 months already,  there are many days it still feels so surreal. we beat the odds that were stacked against us for so long. She’s a thriving, beautiful, sweet and lovely little baby. I’m grateful she is happy and healthy. She’s truly a miracle and it’s no doubt that she adds such a special light of joy to our family. She fought to be with us just as much as we fought for her to exist and I can’t begin to express how lucky I feel. I have a feeling she’s going to be one tough cookie when she’s older!


Image may contain: 1 person

On the left are our 2 embryo’s we transplanted.  Unfortunately, one embryo did not make it.  Gratefully, our little fighter on the right did.  It’s still amazing to me how you can be so happy, sad, and grateful all at the same time.

Knowing we came out on the other side of infertility makes me forever grateful.  Yet, it pains me to know there are so many still struggling and not getting their desired outcome.  This circumstance in my life has truly opened my eyes and humbled me.  It’s amazing the things we can so easily take for granted.  What you many be complaining about is the very things someone else could so desperately be praying for today.  Be mindful.  Listen closely.  Pay attention.  Judge less.  Love more.  Be kind.  Be empathetic and be compassionate.

Although we came out on the other side, I have a feeling we could be meeting with this struggle again head on in our future.  I’m scared to go down this path again because I know what it’s like-words can not even describe how difficult of a journey it is.  In my heart I know I don’t want to be done having babies yet.  I’ve been told often that I should just count my blessings and enjoy being a family of four.  It is frustrating to hear that.  I count my blessings everyday and know I am one of the lucky ones.  I also can’t shut my heart off.  If I would have given up when things got hard trying for K, we never would be holding this little miracle in our arms.  We would never be kissing her sweet cheeks, snuggling her, or hearing her amazing cute giggles.  E would have never been a big sister.  Hope truly was the anchor to my soul.

Image may contain: 2 people, people sitting

Easter 2017.  The two biggest pieces of my heart looking adorable in their bunny ears!


Listen Up!

Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, text

This is a picture of my oldest daughter and I sporting the resolve ribbon, helping to spread awareness during National Infertility Awareness week.

What I want to share with you today is very personal. It is important for me to share this with you because it’s my hope that it touches your heart. I hope if you are someone who is struggling with this very issue, you realize you are not alone. There are others walking in similar shoes as you and there is someone who understands, myself included. I hope that by me sharing glimses into my journey, it makes you want to help spread awareness and help make a difference on a topic that is misunderstood and not talked about often.  If I am fortunate enough to have kept your attention, please listen up!

Some of you know our story, some of you don’t but I wanted to reflect on 2 years ago around this time. My husband and I had just went through our 5th medicated cycle and our 4th and last IUI which had failed. We were heartbroken. I can’t speak for my husband on how he felt exactly.  However, I can touch on how I felt.   I felt so broken.  I felt mentally, physically, emotionally and financially broken. I didn’t know how to cope.  I most certainly didn’t know where to turn for help. I spent many days crying & stressed out.  I also isolated myself. I was extremely overwhelmed about what this meant for our future. I was angry for being forced into a break from family building due to the financial burden of not being able to continue to our next option.

It just all really felt unfair.  

I can’t even explain to you how it feels to try so hard and to do everything you possibly can to have a baby, a baby you already love, that doesn’t even exist. A baby you want so badly, a baby you want so that your other child can have a sibling and experience what a forever friend is like.   When it doesn’t happen month after month, year after year…it’s devisating.

It’s especially hard when you are told and taught that this it is something that should happen so naturally and easily without all the stress and overwhelming amount of grief. No one ever talks about this side of “trying for a baby”.  When it happens to you though you start off in disbelief, denial almost.  I just coudn’t believe this was happening to me, to us.  Then it hits you-this is your reality and it’s a living, breathing, heart wretching nightmare.

Yet 1 in 8 people are affected by infertility and more then 3 million women in the U.S. are affected by Secondary Infertility.  So, why does this continue to be such a taboo topic and one that is misunderstood?  Knowing this, I decided I was done being silent and feeling like I was alone. Around this time 2 years ago is when I “came out of the closet” so to speak and started openly sharing with everyone about our silent struggle with secondary infertility that had been all consuming for such a long time.

Breaking the silence is one of the best things I could have done for myself-it truly saved me. To be able to shed light on this topic at the same time felt empowering as well. I’ve learned so much about this topic and about myself during my struggle and throughout this entire journey.  Its one of the things I am grateful for.  It’s opened my eyes to so many things and has forever changed me (for the better). Although I don’t wish this upon anyone, I am forever thankful for those who are in my circle and have reached out and said, “me too”. A few things I have learned while going through this that come to mind are: to be kind always because everyone you know is fighting a battle we know nothing about no matter how little or how big and the way you treat someone on a daily basis could make all the difference in their lives in that very moment, judge less and love/help more, and have hope, it will be the anchor to your soul!  

NIAW Reminder

This is just a reminder that April 23-29 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Visit for information on ways you can bring awareness to the topic of Infertility.  There are many ways you can help spread awareness, so I encourage you to find something, anything, to shed light on this topic. It doesn’t have to be hard or complicated-make it easy!

If you visit the resolve website you will see a few suggestions as ways you can help:  The Walk of hope (they offer many in different areas the walk is being held, unfortunately there isn’t one in WI yet.  Currently, they do offer them in about 8 different states & there is the option to start one in your own state).  You could join a support group or start a support group in your area if there isn’t one already being offered.  There are fundraising options for the resolve organization. Make a donation. Give a gift or send a card to a friend or family member to let them know you care and they are worthy to be recognized during this trying time. Share your personal story on social media to shed light on this topic and/or share the infertility fact sheet found on resolve’s website.  There is also a blogging opportunity to write about the topic of infertility during the week of NIAW (again, see the website for details).

Many, many, many ways to spread awareness.  Will you stay silent or will you be the change?

Image result for be the change quotes infertility


20 Question’s

Recently, I’ve had a few more followers.  This makes me happy and excited that I’ve gained your interest!  Thank you so much.  Along with that, I appreciate the comments and dialogue following my posts that some of you have taken the time to write me.  One thing you may not know about me is that I love to engage in conversation with my readers about the topics I write about.  Of course, I use my blog as an outlet for myself and a place to collect my thoughts, but I am also writing this for you.  Your comments truly mean the world to me and I try to reply back to all of them as soon as I am available to do so.

With the recent followers, I realized I have never really done a Getting to Know Me More post in my blog.  Although the questions asked in these types of posts usually come with vague responses, I figure you may learn something new about me.  By doing so, this will allow you to connect with me in a whole new way and may give us something else to talk about.  I’ve also been having writers block lately, and although I always have things to say and my brain is going a million miles a minute, sometimes with the ciaos of life, it’s hard to organize my thoughts into one main topic (hence my Tuesday Rambles post yesterday).  I guess it’s just going to be that kind of week for me in posting and I’m honestly surprised I am finding the time to post yesterday and today with how busy things have been for me lately.  However, as I always tell my daughteryou get what you get and you don’t throw a fit!

Here we go!

1.  If you could describe yourself in 5 words, which 5 words would you use:

Introvert, Open, Genuine, Mother-hen, punctual

2.  Do you have a nickname?  If so, what is the story behind it?

I have a few nicknames actually, just depends the person I am around calling me them! My sisters call me Kiki, which they claim is my evil twin sister!  My mom calls me Nick or Nikki (just short for Nichole). My husband calls me Cutie Pants or Maynerd-no real story behind those.

3.  Do you have any pet peeves?  If so, what are they.

Yes.  I’m human, who doesn’t!  I actually have a lot.  However, the few that come to mind are getting stuck behind people who walk extremely slow (I’m a fast paced walker by nature), waiting for others because I am always on time, when my husband is talking and he uses whatchamadoodle in sentences when trying to tell me something.  For the record, I still don’t know what a whatchamadoodle is!

3.  What makes you laugh?

Typically my kiddos and my pets!

4.  Name 3 Non-Essential things you can’t live without:

Cell phone, Make up/hair stuff, warm-cozy blanket

5.  Do you prefer to take a bath or a shower?

I prefer to shower.  However, if I had a big bathtub it would be a game changer for me!

6.  Do you prefer coffee or tea?

Coffee, preferably peppermint or turtle Mocha.

7.  Did you go to College?  What was your degree in?

Yes.  I went to the University of Wisconsin-Stout and majored in Human Development and Family studies and have a minor in Psychology.

8.  Do you have any piercings or tattoos?

Yes.  I have 3 piercings in my left ear and 2 in my right.  I had my belly button pierced in college but took it out when I got pregnant with my first born and never put it back in.  I have a tattoo on the inside of my right ankle of a Dove with a breast cancer awareness ribbon also shaped around it like a heart, on the ribbon says:  Live, Laugh, Love.  It is in memory of my God Mother & Dear friend who passed away from Cancer and also another dear friend who passed away in a car accident.

9.  Do you play any sports?

In high school I played tennis and soccer.  I still play tennis in my adulthood and have wanted to join an adult soccer team for a while, but haven’t (yet).

10.  What is your favorite flower?

Star gazer Lily

11.  What are you currently reading?

I have been without a book for a week now.  The last book I read was Scrappy Little Nobody, by Anna Kendrick.  I’m currently taking book suggestions for my next read…and go!

12.  What are your biggest fears?

Taking risks (or just doing new things in general gives me anxiety), Heights, Spiders-snakes-and every other creepy crawly creature, dental procedures.

13.  Favorite Quote:

I am a big time lover of quotes-there are so many that are near and dear to me.  One that is sticking out to me this morning that I’ve always loved is by Helen Keller, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

14. What is something you might not know about me:

I finally learned how to french braid this year at the age of 32!  Haha.

15.  What are your special talents?

You know, I wish I could say I had special talents but I really don’t.  I’m not crafty.  I don’t have a musical bone in my body.  I am not a good dancer.  No part of my body is double jointed…seriously, I’m not talented in any trade you guys.  I suppose I need to work on this!

16.  What are you hobbies:

Working out, spending quality time with my family, spending time in nature/outdoors (I love to hunt with my dad and husband), walking my dog, blogging, cooking and baking, shopping, rummage sale-ing/thrifting….the list goes on.

17.  Do you prefer E-book or Paperback?

Paperback.  There is just something about holding an actual book in your hands and putting down an electronic device.  I also like the smell of books and being able to turn an actual page. E-books take some of the enjoyment out of reading an actual book!

18.  Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook.  I made a Twitter account and that was about as far as I got on it.  I’ve never used it.  I am on Facebook daily!

19.  What is your favorite Season?

Living in Wisconsin, I get a taste of all 4 Seasons.  I have come to find that there is something to be enjoyed about each season and something about each season that I don’t particularly care for  so with that said, I honestly don’t have a favorite.  However, I do always anticipate the summer months!

20.  What music makes you want to get up and dance?

Can’t stop the Feeling by Justin Timberlake

…and that’s a wrap!

Please feel free to copy and paste the questions and answer them about yourselves in your own blog or in the comments.  I’d love to get to you know better as well.  If there is something in particular you’d like to know more about me that I did not answer, feel free to ask those questions in the comments and I’d be happy to answer them!  Thanks for reading!

Tuesday Rambles…

I was staring at this blank computer screen for a good 15 minutes having writers block, needless to say I am still having writers block.  Instead of wasting more time and not typing anything I figure that I may as well ramble about nothing. So here you go folks, some Tuesday randomness for you!  Nonetheless, I guess it will at least help to empty out or organize the thoughts in my head so I can accomplish the other tasks that are loading up my to-do list this fine day.  Here you go folks…

  1.  Baby babbles, giggles, and screams are the best.  I’m currently listening to all of this along with K blowing spit bubbles while she so gleefully bounces up and down in her jumparoo.  It seems like just yesterday, I was longing so badly to hear these sounds in my house. There are days it still seems surreal that she’s here and my house is filled with such joyous noise again!  I just feel so humbled & so blessed.  As I was driving in my car yesterday, I was looking in my rear view mirror looking at my baby having similar thoughts.  In that moment I felt so in awe that when I look in the back seat, I now see a baby, my baby, staring back at me.  Instantly, my heart overflows with happiness.  A heart that once, not too long ago, felt so sad and longed for that baby.  It’s strange how it was the little things that always triggered my sadness about not being able to get pregnant and although that void is filled you still remember how badly it hurt to be in those shoes.  Not forgetting that pain is what makes me so grateful everyday for K because I know how lucky we are.
  2. I need to reheat my coffee…only the 3rd time this morning, no big deal.
  3. Happy belated Easter to everyone!  It was a beautiful weekend here in WI (minus the wind).  I absolutely loved watching the excitement of E’s face when she woke up Easter morning and found that the Easter Bunny had eaten the carrots she left out and left her a little note.  Then, when she found her Easter eggs and her basket-just so much fun standing back enjoying her in those special moments.  It was nice spending time with my husband’s family, although I missed mine immensely.  The food was delicious too.  I’m feeling badly about opting out of our traditional church service this year (no excuses, I know) but I will admit things would have been extremely rushed for us in the morning if we would have went.  For once I didn’t want to rush through these special moments in time, I just wanted to be present in the moment with my family and enjoy these moments that go by all too fast!  Easter dinner again this weekend with my sister, her husband and two kiddos this weekend at our house-looking forward to that, but sad that the rest of my family will not be joining in.  I miss all the holiday traditions we used to do on my side of the family that may still be special to them, but never seem to be a priority to anyone to make them happen-it’s really, really, really sad to me.
  4. E will be home in an hour.  I hope she’s in a good mood.  She’s been so sassy lately and challenging my patience.  I really need to start stocking my craft supplies/learning materials and misc. fun items for summer when she is home.  I also have to come up with a summer schedule and list of things to go do with her.  I have a feeling summer will be long.  Although I love her to the moon and back, at the age she’s at she’s always happiest and easier to handle when she’s kept busy and doing new and fun things!  This will be my first time trying to juggle her and K and also the little boy I watch during the summer-it’s going to be 1. Interesting 2. Challenging & 3. Exhausting-Let’s be honest, it’s really not going to be all sunshine and roses.
  5. That brings me to my next thought.  My husband and I need want deserve a vacation.  I’m talking about just him and I, kid free, going on a vacation together spending loads of quality time together that is fun, relaxing, and stress free.  We went through a lot in the last few years and especially the last couple years were extremely stressful on us.  We were married in April of 2010 and took our honeymoon the following month, in May, to Naples, FL.  You guys-that was the last and only time my husband and I have ever vacationed together and that was also pre-kiddos.  I think of that time often (not gonna lie, that’s my happy place I go to when I’m in a funk).  We rarely do date night and these days having even a hour to ourselves is non-existent.  When we do have that small window of opportunity we find ourselves falling asleep on the couch out of pure exhaustion.
  6. I want to go shopping.  Not grocery shopping.  Not shopping for toiletries.  Not shopping for my kids or my husband.  I want to go shopping with the full intent to shop for myself.  I want to be able to browse, take my time and enjoy the process.  I desperately need some essential clothing items for spring/summer for myself.  It’s just so hard to find the time to step away to make time for myself.  This is also something I haven’t been able to do for a long time.  My husband needs to do this as well.  His wardrobe is terrible.  I tell him this all the time and find myself laughing to myself as he’s going through his closet in the morning trying to pick out something to wear, like he has so many amazing options.  I hate to break it to him but it’s either his typical work shirt or short sleeve polo shirt-and jeans.  ZZzzzz!  Boring.  I’d love to dress my husband and give him some style.  He has none.  I’m not much better these days though.  Money has been lacking and other priorities have taken over.  Oh gosh-does this mean we are starting to let ourselves go so to speak?  Mental note to self:  Make time to go shopping stat!!!  I refuse to be that 30 something person who lets herself go!!!
  7. E painted this really cute stepping stone for our Garden.  I can’t wait to put it out there and she will be so excited to have something she made on display outside.  I am also anticipating planting our garden and maintaining our yard a little better then last year.  Being pregnant in the summer was hard on our gardens and our yard in general-we were those neighbors and I couldn’t tell you how excited I was this year for it to actually snow so that it covered up the embarrassment and so our yard was equal to the neighbors again (haha)!
  8. It’s 67 degrees inside.  It’s 56 degrees outside.  My nose is cold and my feet are cold. Therefore my nose is running.  I hate that.
  9. K is starting to notice our pets a lot more.  She loves petting that cat and the dog.  Last night the dog was sitting practically in her lap with a smile on her face eating up all the attention.  The cat will come and roll all over on the floor by K when she’s laying on the floor and K just goes nuts over it.  I think she’s starting to recognize what it means when I say “Here comes the cat, meow-meow” because she turns her head and gets the biggest smile on her face, it’s so cute.  She did this just a bit ago.  The thing I don’t enjoy with this is that right now K is putting everything in her mouth and she’s constantly drooling which means her hands are always wet with her saliva-then she pets the animals and their fur sticks to her hands.  Pet hair on wet baby hands is so gross and icky.  How can you deny her of the love of her pets though!
  10. The things going on in this world (that we hear about) are so sad and break my heart.  Seems there is something new and disturbing every, single day.  I wish for every bad thing they would focus on also a heart-warming and good story.  You start to wonder if good even exists amongst all of the bad these days?  If you have any heart warming, good stories please share with me!  I’d love to hear them.  It’s good for our heart and soul!

Much Love,


Coming Out of the Woodwork…

Did any of you catch Monday’s episode of Dancing with the Stars on ABC?  I did & honestly was blown away!  I absolutely loved the dancers sharing their very personal stories and putting such a personal notation into their dances this week.  One personal story that really caught my attention and brought me to tears was Nancy Kerrigan’s.  She not only put her raw emotions into her beautiful dance, but her dance also told her story. It was heartfelt and it was amazing.

I never knew this part of Nancy Kerrigan’s life before. All I really knew about her was her time in the spotlight as a figure skater, her time in the Olympics as a figure skater and of course that horrible incident she had with Tonya Harding.   However, I don’t want to put the spot light on that part of her life.  Surprisingly (to me anyways) I want to talk about her opening up about her 6 miscarriages after her first born, and making the decision to go through IVF to have her two other children.

This is a hard topic to discuss sometimes to even a friend or a family member, but to openly discuss these topics on National television is a whole other ball game.  She is so courageous for opening up and shedding a little more light on the topics of miscarriage, infertility, and IVF. Personally, I am so grateful when others do openly talk about these topics because it makes me feel less alone and helps me to cope with my own infertility and family building choices & decisions.

Wow, her dance was elegantly beautiful & her story about her losses and her family building option had me in tears. As more and more people come out of the woodwork about their struggles with these issues, I hope by doing so, it continues to inspire others to do the same. We need more people (famous and non-famous) to come forward.  By doing so you join this community of people who stand up for this topic and ard the voice for this.  I believe if we want to see positive changes made, we have to keep honestly and openly telling our stories and voicing our opinions on things in regards to this topic. With April being Infertility Awareness Month, what better time to start spreading awareness!

One of those days…

When you have kids,  what should be simple tasks are rarely or ever simple. Typically, they are far from easy too.  For the love of God though, I pray that they could sometimes be simple and easy for the sake of my mental well being. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to lose my mind and have a nervous break down when these supposedly simple and easy tasks become askew.  Yesterday was one of those days.

I’m not proud to admit when I have freak out moments as a mom and/or lose my shit when the train veers off track.  I’m not a perfect mom though, so it happens.  Sometimes it happens multiple times and it’s a rare occasion for me to get through an entire day without a moment like this. There are days I want to throw in the towel and give up completely.  I think you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel like this too at times.  I hate the saying, no excuse is a good excuse (gosh that’s so untrue).  My excuse for this behavior as a mom is that I’m tired pretty much all of the time. When I’m tired my patience is thin.  Another excuse is that it can be so frustrating when every little thing has to be a challenge. Lets face it, being a mom is a lot of freaking work.  I guess there is a reason I am a mom because when things are upside down mom can be read as wow!

On a side note, as I’m sitting here, my almost 5 year old is looking at books on the couch before school.  Two of the books slid off the couch and on to the floor.  She so kindly & in her sweetest voice asked me, “Mom can you do me a BIG favor, can you get these books for me?” I appreciate her asking so nicely and acknowledge her kind way to ask for help, BUT she was so close to these books on the floor she could have licked them with her tongue.  I could have easily submitted to her request and gotten her books for her-but c’mon this is just pure laziness.  We have been working really hard on making her be more independent and doing more for herself.  Instead, I told her that she could get down on the floor and pick them up herself since she was much closer to her books then I was and I was busy doing something else.  That’s when she said in her horrible whining voice, with a big scowl on her face, “MOOOMMMM, but my arms are too short and I’m just too tired to do that right now, so get them for me now.” Excuse me little miss!  I just don’t tolerate that kind of demand, so I stood my ground and did not get them for her.   I could have easily done it for her to avoid further issues, but good grief she needs to learn to do things for herself and stop being so darn lazy!  It’s little instances like this that add to me having daily freak out moments or just plain losing my shit.  It. Is. So. Ridiculous!!!

Backing up the train to yesterday.  E got home from school and it was a gloomy, drizzly, chilly afternoon and I did not want her to sit like a bump on a log on the couch and constantly ask me if she could have the IPAD or whine about being bored because her neighbor friends were all at school and she had nobody to play with (they are either in day care or a tad older and in school full days during the week).  Lets be honest, I was also in no mood to play 10 games of Pretty Pretty Princess like I did yesterday or play pretend on the floor for hours and hours (there are just some days I just don’t feel like doing that).  So, I decided it would be best to pack the kids up in the car and head to the library for the afternoon.  Easy right?  Simple right?  Hell to the no.  Soon after getting there I realized playing pretty pretty princess wouldn’t have sounded so bad after all.

Here’s what happened.  The library is about 20 minutes from our house (give or take).  E and K both fell asleep on the ride and I actually contemplated just driving around for a while since they were both asleep for a break.  Instead, I drove strait to the library.  E is never fun to wake up which I had to do in the parking lot of the library.  Thankfully, K stayed sleeping during her screaming and protesting.  After finally getting E calm and quiet I got the stroller out of the car, put the diaper back in the bottom, pulled out K’s seat, snapped the car seat in, got E out of the car, grabbed my purse and we walked inside (of course we got the furthest parking spot from the library) and the parking lot is packed like sardines making anyone with kids needing to get car seats in and out a liability to the car next to you (annoying right?).  We pick up our library holds and E decides to play in the imaginary area while I look for books for her.  All is going well.

I check in on E and tell her I’m just around the corner if she needs me.  Within, 2 minutes of telling her this she comes and finds me and tells me she needs to go potty.  So, we head to the direction of the bathroom.  She does her business, washes her hands, and she’s back to playing.  I go to a book shelf near her and start looking at books.  Next thing I know, not even a minute later, a lady comes up to me and whispers, “Miss, I think your little girl may have had a potty accident.”  I look at her in surprise as we literally just left the bathroom and she went potty, but ok.  I thanked the lady for telling me and went to go check E out.

I go over near E and sure enough her grey leggings were wet in the front and back.  No big deal, I know accidents happen and E tends to put off going when she knows she needs to when she is new environments or would rather be playing and doesn’t take the time to go.  I went up to E and said, “Honey, it looks like you had an accident in your pants. You need to stop playing and we need to go to the bathroom and change your pants.”  I proceeded to ask her why she didn’t tell Mama that she had an accident or find me so she could use the potty again and of course she said she didn’t know why and tried telling me she was fine and didn’t have an accident (she tends to get a little embarrassed when we catch her having accidents).  Instead of listening to me, she continued playing.  I continued to talk with her and persuade her that we needed to take care of her accident and the more I did, the more hostile she got with me.  At this point, people were staring, my face was getting red & I was sweating (social anxiety at it’s finest) and I could feel the stares of judgmental people looking my direction.  This is where things started to unravel.

I finally got E into the bathroom, and get her pants and underwear off her and start rummaging through the diaper bag and it hits me with an “Oh F***” moment. I cleaned the diaper bag out the other day and did not put E’s extra clothes back inside K’s bag.  We had no extra clothes for E.  I begin to explain this to E and E did not like what she was hearing and begins sobbing and becomes extra defiant and not wanting to put her wet clothes back on (man little voices and screams are amplified loudly in echoing bathrooms).  We really had no other choice, but to put her wet clothes back on, as I couldn’t let her walk bare butt naked out to the car.  I could have done this, but my fear of a child predator or pedophile lerking around is far to strong for me to expose my child like that in public.  So, with much struggle, I finally got E to get her clothes back on and explained we needed to leave the library.  E was sobbing because she wanted to play and didn’t want to go back home and in reality we had been there all but 5 minutes (at that point it had taken me longer to drive there then we were actually there).  All I have to say is thank God K was sleeping through this entire thing or my stress would have been at an all time high.

We walk back out to the car, E complaining the whole way about her wet pants and being uncomfortable (I don’t blame her poor kiddo, Mama is an idiot for not packing her extra clothing.  As much as it was her fault for not getting to the bathroom on time it is also my responsibility as her mom to make sure she has extra clothing for ‘just in case’ scenarios like this one).  Another side note, my husband always makes fun of me for over-packing and  having over-flowing bags of stuff when we go places.  Of course the one I didn’t pack a bag before leaving and have it overflowing with ‘just in case’ stuff, is the time we need that ‘just in case’ stuff.  Jokes on me I guess.

I got to the car and automatically called my older sister, knowing she had the day off and she lives only 3 minutes or so from the library (was going to stop there after the library anyways to drop something off).  Since E still wanted to play, I figured I could go to my sisters wash her clothes by hand stick them in my sisters dryer, visit while they are drying and then head back to the library. Win-Win right?!  So, that’s just what we did.  K woke up during this time and needed to be changed and nursed so we did that while we waited too.

Once E’s pants were dry, we got her dressed and I got the kids loaded in the car once again.  We headed back to the library.  I asked E if she needed to go potty as soon as we got to the library and she said she didn’t have to go, so off she went in the direction of the play area again.  K was a bit fussy now and wide awake, so I took her out of the stroller and walked around with her and let her look out at the big window facing the water.  She calmed down.  I glance over at E and she’s already doing the potty dance, what the hell?  I go over to her and tell her she needs to try to use the bathroom and she doesn’t argue.  We bolt to the bathroom, which is of course, the farthest away from the play area. By the time we get to the bathroom, E peed her freaking pants again.  By this time, I’m trying to tell myself *deep breaths Nichole, deep breaths* as my little lady is saying, “sorry Mama, I just didn’t make it in time, I was playing”.  Through gritted teeth, trying so hard to not lose my shit, I reminded her that when she needs to go potty she needs to stop and go right away, kind of like that (annoying and obviously in our case not helpful) Daniel Tiger song.  She proceeds to sing to me with great enthusiasm this catchy song and tells me she will remember next time.  I tell her, “That’s great Honey” but it’s too late this time, we have to go home now and reminded her we had no extra clothes.

This Mama was done-put a fork in me done!  I threw in the towel.  Why? Why? Why?  Why can’t anything just run smoothly, or be simple or be enjoyed?  I had this expectation in my mind of what my afternoon would look like with my kiddos and it went the complete opposite of that vision.  It’s crazy to me how quickly the train goes off the track when you are a mom.  I try to handle these situations with grace, I really do.  It’s just so easy to become so frustrated in the midst of it all.  It takes all my energy sometimes just getting them in the car and then out of the car and then to not even get to our destination and be able to stay there for 10 minutes and enjoy it is so frustrating.  The only thing simply I am doing, is the best I can.  As a mom, I am simply doing the best I can do.  This is why Mom upside down is Wow because through the midst of all the trials and stress and tasks that go of track-we are always just trying to do what is best for our kids-even if it is through gritted teeth or in the midst of a freak out moment or losing our shit.  No matter how frustrated I get with my kids or scenarios in my day, at the end of these hard days, God is constantly showing me that I love them unconditionally and that they love me unconditionally.  That in itself wipes away all those negative and frustrating feelings, puts some pep back in my step and energy to get up and do it all again tomorrow.

I wanted to end on that happy note-but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go into my room at the end of the night and scream into a pillow and then gorge on a few pieces of chocolates.

Father, forgive me for I have sinned….