When you have kids, what should be simple tasks are rarely or ever simple. Typically, they are far from easy too. For the love of God though, I pray that they could sometimes be simple and easy for the sake of my mental well being. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to lose my mind and have a nervous break down when these supposedly simple and easy tasks become askew. Yesterday was one of those days.
I’m not proud to admit when I have freak out moments as a mom and/or lose my shit when the train veers off track. I’m not a perfect mom though, so it happens. Sometimes it happens multiple times and it’s a rare occasion for me to get through an entire day without a moment like this. There are days I want to throw in the towel and give up completely. I think you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel like this too at times. I hate the saying, no excuse is a good excuse (gosh that’s so untrue). My excuse for this behavior as a mom is that I’m tired pretty much all of the time. When I’m tired my patience is thin. Another excuse is that it can be so frustrating when every little thing has to be a challenge. Lets face it, being a mom is a lot of freaking work. I guess there is a reason I am a mom because when things are upside down mom can be read as wow!
On a side note, as I’m sitting here, my almost 5 year old is looking at books on the couch before school. Two of the books slid off the couch and on to the floor. She so kindly & in her sweetest voice asked me, “Mom can you do me a BIG favor, can you get these books for me?” I appreciate her asking so nicely and acknowledge her kind way to ask for help, BUT she was so close to these books on the floor she could have licked them with her tongue. I could have easily submitted to her request and gotten her books for her-but c’mon this is just pure laziness. We have been working really hard on making her be more independent and doing more for herself. Instead, I told her that she could get down on the floor and pick them up herself since she was much closer to her books then I was and I was busy doing something else. That’s when she said in her horrible whining voice, with a big scowl on her face, “MOOOMMMM, but my arms are too short and I’m just too tired to do that right now, so get them for me now.” Excuse me little miss! I just don’t tolerate that kind of demand, so I stood my ground and did not get them for her. I could have easily done it for her to avoid further issues, but good grief she needs to learn to do things for herself and stop being so darn lazy! It’s little instances like this that add to me having daily freak out moments or just plain losing my shit. It. Is. So. Ridiculous!!!
Backing up the train to yesterday. E got home from school and it was a gloomy, drizzly, chilly afternoon and I did not want her to sit like a bump on a log on the couch and constantly ask me if she could have the IPAD or whine about being bored because her neighbor friends were all at school and she had nobody to play with (they are either in day care or a tad older and in school full days during the week). Lets be honest, I was also in no mood to play 10 games of Pretty Pretty Princess like I did yesterday or play pretend on the floor for hours and hours (there are just some days I just don’t feel like doing that). So, I decided it would be best to pack the kids up in the car and head to the library for the afternoon. Easy right? Simple right? Hell to the no. Soon after getting there I realized playing pretty pretty princess wouldn’t have sounded so bad after all.
Here’s what happened. The library is about 20 minutes from our house (give or take). E and K both fell asleep on the ride and I actually contemplated just driving around for a while since they were both asleep for a break. Instead, I drove strait to the library. E is never fun to wake up which I had to do in the parking lot of the library. Thankfully, K stayed sleeping during her screaming and protesting. After finally getting E calm and quiet I got the stroller out of the car, put the diaper back in the bottom, pulled out K’s seat, snapped the car seat in, got E out of the car, grabbed my purse and we walked inside (of course we got the furthest parking spot from the library) and the parking lot is packed like sardines making anyone with kids needing to get car seats in and out a liability to the car next to you (annoying right?). We pick up our library holds and E decides to play in the imaginary area while I look for books for her. All is going well.
I check in on E and tell her I’m just around the corner if she needs me. Within, 2 minutes of telling her this she comes and finds me and tells me she needs to go potty. So, we head to the direction of the bathroom. She does her business, washes her hands, and she’s back to playing. I go to a book shelf near her and start looking at books. Next thing I know, not even a minute later, a lady comes up to me and whispers, “Miss, I think your little girl may have had a potty accident.” I look at her in surprise as we literally just left the bathroom and she went potty, but ok. I thanked the lady for telling me and went to go check E out.
I go over near E and sure enough her grey leggings were wet in the front and back. No big deal, I know accidents happen and E tends to put off going when she knows she needs to when she is new environments or would rather be playing and doesn’t take the time to go. I went up to E and said, “Honey, it looks like you had an accident in your pants. You need to stop playing and we need to go to the bathroom and change your pants.” I proceeded to ask her why she didn’t tell Mama that she had an accident or find me so she could use the potty again and of course she said she didn’t know why and tried telling me she was fine and didn’t have an accident (she tends to get a little embarrassed when we catch her having accidents). Instead of listening to me, she continued playing. I continued to talk with her and persuade her that we needed to take care of her accident and the more I did, the more hostile she got with me. At this point, people were staring, my face was getting red & I was sweating (social anxiety at it’s finest) and I could feel the stares of judgmental people looking my direction. This is where things started to unravel.
I finally got E into the bathroom, and get her pants and underwear off her and start rummaging through the diaper bag and it hits me with an “Oh F***” moment. I cleaned the diaper bag out the other day and did not put E’s extra clothes back inside K’s bag. We had no extra clothes for E. I begin to explain this to E and E did not like what she was hearing and begins sobbing and becomes extra defiant and not wanting to put her wet clothes back on (man little voices and screams are amplified loudly in echoing bathrooms). We really had no other choice, but to put her wet clothes back on, as I couldn’t let her walk bare butt naked out to the car. I could have done this, but my fear of a child predator or pedophile lerking around is far to strong for me to expose my child like that in public. So, with much struggle, I finally got E to get her clothes back on and explained we needed to leave the library. E was sobbing because she wanted to play and didn’t want to go back home and in reality we had been there all but 5 minutes (at that point it had taken me longer to drive there then we were actually there). All I have to say is thank God K was sleeping through this entire thing or my stress would have been at an all time high.
We walk back out to the car, E complaining the whole way about her wet pants and being uncomfortable (I don’t blame her poor kiddo, Mama is an idiot for not packing her extra clothing. As much as it was her fault for not getting to the bathroom on time it is also my responsibility as her mom to make sure she has extra clothing for ‘just in case’ scenarios like this one). Another side note, my husband always makes fun of me for over-packing and having over-flowing bags of stuff when we go places. Of course the one I didn’t pack a bag before leaving and have it overflowing with ‘just in case’ stuff, is the time we need that ‘just in case’ stuff. Jokes on me I guess.
I got to the car and automatically called my older sister, knowing she had the day off and she lives only 3 minutes or so from the library (was going to stop there after the library anyways to drop something off). Since E still wanted to play, I figured I could go to my sisters wash her clothes by hand stick them in my sisters dryer, visit while they are drying and then head back to the library. Win-Win right?! So, that’s just what we did. K woke up during this time and needed to be changed and nursed so we did that while we waited too.
Once E’s pants were dry, we got her dressed and I got the kids loaded in the car once again. We headed back to the library. I asked E if she needed to go potty as soon as we got to the library and she said she didn’t have to go, so off she went in the direction of the play area again. K was a bit fussy now and wide awake, so I took her out of the stroller and walked around with her and let her look out at the big window facing the water. She calmed down. I glance over at E and she’s already doing the potty dance, what the hell? I go over to her and tell her she needs to try to use the bathroom and she doesn’t argue. We bolt to the bathroom, which is of course, the farthest away from the play area. By the time we get to the bathroom, E peed her freaking pants again. By this time, I’m trying to tell myself *deep breaths Nichole, deep breaths* as my little lady is saying, “sorry Mama, I just didn’t make it in time, I was playing”. Through gritted teeth, trying so hard to not lose my shit, I reminded her that when she needs to go potty she needs to stop and go right away, kind of like that (annoying and obviously in our case not helpful) Daniel Tiger song. She proceeds to sing to me with great enthusiasm this catchy song and tells me she will remember next time. I tell her, “That’s great Honey” but it’s too late this time, we have to go home now and reminded her we had no extra clothes.
This Mama was done-put a fork in me done! I threw in the towel. Why? Why? Why? Why can’t anything just run smoothly, or be simple or be enjoyed? I had this expectation in my mind of what my afternoon would look like with my kiddos and it went the complete opposite of that vision. It’s crazy to me how quickly the train goes off the track when you are a mom. I try to handle these situations with grace, I really do. It’s just so easy to become so frustrated in the midst of it all. It takes all my energy sometimes just getting them in the car and then out of the car and then to not even get to our destination and be able to stay there for 10 minutes and enjoy it is so frustrating. The only thing simply I am doing, is the best I can. As a mom, I am simply doing the best I can do. This is why Mom upside down is Wow because through the midst of all the trials and stress and tasks that go of track-we are always just trying to do what is best for our kids-even if it is through gritted teeth or in the midst of a freak out moment or losing our shit. No matter how frustrated I get with my kids or scenarios in my day, at the end of these hard days, God is constantly showing me that I love them unconditionally and that they love me unconditionally. That in itself wipes away all those negative and frustrating feelings, puts some pep back in my step and energy to get up and do it all again tomorrow.
I wanted to end on that happy note-but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go into my room at the end of the night and scream into a pillow and then gorge on a few pieces of chocolates.
Father, forgive me for I have sinned….