With it being K’s one year birthday coming up, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about our journey with Secondary Infertility. With that, I have been re-reading some of the journal entries I made around this same time in 2014, 2015 & 2016. I thought I’d share them with you. They give me goosebumps just seeing where I was and where we are now. God is good all.of.the.time!
11-6-14 I wrote:
My period came yesterday. Sad day 😦 I feel like it shouldn’t come as a shock each month that it appears, but the truth is it just doesn’t get any easier. I can’t even explain the sadness that overwhelms me each month that goes by that we don’t get prengant. Secondary Infertility is by far one of the most difficult experiences I have ever gone through. At this point the one ounce of hope I have is knowing we can try an IUI. It’s my only hope in this moment, even though I fully am aware that there is a good chance an IUI won’t work either. How do I even begin to prepare myself if that fails us too? I wish there was a concrete answer for us. I want to add to our family so badly and I want to hold YOU in my arms. It is crazy how much I love YOU and I don’t even know you yet. I read this prayer somewhere and it is very fitting for me so I wanted to document it and keep it to say throughout our struggle, it is called A Prayer For When You Are Waiting:
I know I am impatient, so prone to worry, to give up, to lose hope. Help me to rest in your promises today. In this season of waiting, renew my joy in this moment so that I do not miss your presence in this place. Thank you for being with me and for never giving up on me. Thank you for always working in my good and for your glory even when I can’t see.
In Jesus’ name,
Fast forward to another year later…
11/10/15 I wrote:
Nothing new to update on really. October was another failed month and we ar on month of #27 trying to conceive. I am spent and it’s so much harder when everyone around me is pregnant. I am feeling pretty defeated and I know Zach is too. I will not give up hope though. Etta WILL have a sibling someday. She would just be the best big sister around that’s for sure. I just don’t want her to go through life without a sibling. It would not be fair to her, but this infertility stuff in general isn’t fair to her either. I feel like I can’t 100% be the mom I want to be feeling how I feel and I hate that so much. I truly has robbed us of so much joy. We keep talking about doing IVF, but it comes down to money…always money. We just do not have that kind of money to go through with it. It just all around sucks. Some days I feel like I can barely keep my head above water–it’s been so very hard. I hope and pray everyday we can have a healthy pregnancy and another bundle of joy to add to our family. I’m so grateful for Etta and everyday struggling with this makes me realize even more what a true blessing she is in our lives. I am so grateful to be her Mama. This is not an easy road to be on. Why God? Why Us? Let the pity party begin. I will not give up on you though, I pray for you everyday and I love you more and more each passing day.
Fast forward again to another year, exactly a year ago from today:
11/14/16 I wrote:
We are just under a week away from your due date!!! This is still just so surreal. We’ve prayed for your for years and now we are inching closer to finally meeting you baby girl. I’m feeling such a mix of emotions. I am so anxious to meet you. We’ve been waiting so very long to meet you. So many changes are about to take place and I know they will all be fore the better. I’ve been feeling pretty uncomfortable at 145lbs and you are very low and Dr. P says you are fully engaged making walking difficult. Please don’t fall out, haha! If you don’t come before Wednesday, Dr. P wants to strip my membranes in hopes to get labor going. I was having some “take my breath away” pains/contractions last night…hoping that’s a good sign! We are just so thankful this day is approaching and it couldn’t be anymore fitting your birthday will be around Thanksgiving. We just have so much thanks to give for the gift of you. Can’t wait to meet you sweet baby girl.
You guys! Crying such tears of joy this morning….