This Moment Is Everything…

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This day, on November 17th 2016, was a day I had been waiting for, for what seemed like an eternity.  It seemed like the moment this tiny little blessing was placed in my arms, all the stress, worry, & sadness that overwhelmed me day in and day out for years was washed clean.  I felt at such peace staring into my daughters beautiful sky blue eyes and her staring back at me as if to say, I’ve been waiting to meet you for as long as you’ve been waiting to meet me. You are my mama and I am your daughter.  I am yours and you are mine. 

…thank you God.  Thank you.

 

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A Glimpse In My Past…

With it being K’s one year birthday coming up, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about our journey with Secondary Infertility.  With that, I have been re-reading some of the journal entries I made around this same time in 2014, 2015 & 2016.  I thought I’d share them with you.  They give me goosebumps just seeing where I was and where we are now.  God is good all.of.the.time!

11-6-14 I wrote:

My period came yesterday.  Sad day 😦  I feel like it shouldn’t come as a shock each month that it appears, but the truth is it just doesn’t get any easier.  I can’t even explain the sadness that overwhelms me each month that goes by that we don’t get prengant.  Secondary Infertility is by far one of the most difficult experiences I have ever gone through.  At this point the one ounce of hope I have is knowing we can try an IUI.  It’s my only hope in this moment, even though I fully am aware that there is a good chance an IUI won’t work either.  How do I  even begin to prepare myself if that fails us too?  I wish there was a concrete answer for us.  I want to add to our family so badly and I want to hold YOU in my arms.  It is crazy how much I love YOU and I don’t even know you yet.  I read this prayer somewhere and it is very fitting for me so I wanted to document it and keep it to say throughout our struggle, it is called A Prayer For When You Are Waiting:  

My Father,

I know I am impatient, so prone to worry, to give up, to lose hope.  Help me to rest in your promises today.  In this season of waiting, renew my joy in this moment so that I do not miss your presence in this place.  Thank you for being with me and for never giving up on me.  Thank you for always working in my good and for your glory even when I can’t see.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

Fast forward to another year later…

11/10/15 I wrote:

Nothing new to update on really.  October was another failed month and we ar on month of #27 trying to conceive.  I am spent and it’s so much harder when everyone around me is pregnant.  I am feeling pretty defeated and I know Zach is too.  I will not give up hope though.  Etta WILL have a sibling someday.  She would just be the best big sister around that’s for sure.  I just don’t want her to go through life without a sibling.  It would not be fair to her, but this infertility stuff in general isn’t fair to her either.  I feel like I can’t 100% be the mom I want to be feeling how I feel and I hate that so much.  I truly has robbed us of so much joy.  We keep talking about doing IVF, but it comes down to money…always money.  We just do not have that kind of money to go through with it.  It just all around sucks.  Some days I feel like I can barely keep my head above water–it’s been so very hard.  I hope and pray everyday we can have a healthy pregnancy and another bundle of joy to add to our family.  I’m so grateful for Etta and everyday struggling with this makes me realize even more what a true blessing she is in our lives.  I am so grateful to be her Mama.  This is not an easy road to be on.  Why God?  Why Us?  Let the pity party begin.  I will not give up on you though, I pray for you everyday and I love you more and more each passing day.

Fast forward again to another year, exactly a year ago from today:

11/14/16 I wrote:

We are just under a week away from your due date!!!  This is still just so surreal.  We’ve prayed for your for years and now we are inching closer to finally meeting you baby girl.  I’m feeling such a mix of emotions.  I am so anxious to meet you.  We’ve been waiting so very long to meet you.  So many changes are about to take place and I know they will all be fore the better.  I’ve been feeling pretty uncomfortable at 145lbs and you are very low and Dr. P says you are fully engaged making walking difficult.  Please don’t fall out, haha!  If you don’t come before Wednesday, Dr. P wants to strip my membranes in hopes to get labor going.  I was having some “take my breath away” pains/contractions last night…hoping that’s a good sign!  We are just so thankful this day is approaching and it couldn’t be anymore fitting your birthday will be around Thanksgiving.  We just have so much thanks to give for the gift of you.  Can’t wait to meet you sweet baby girl.

You guys!  Crying such tears of joy this morning….

 

 

Emotional Mama Bear

FYI:  I’m setting my weekly serious aside this week because any post I do will be around my sweet daughter, Kynnslee.  It’s her birthday week!!!!

There was a time in our lives that we did not know if we would be able to expand our family. We struggled for quite some time with Secondary Infertility and patiently waited for God to answer our prayers. We put all our Faith in Him never knowing if another child was even the path He’d set out for us. It was not easy and it came with more ups and downs then I could ever imagine. It made me question God on more then one occassion and man did it ever test our faith. Honestly, there are days now where that time in my life just seems like a giant blur, yet in the season of waiting it felt like an eternity. Thinking about it all now and reflecting on our journey I’m simply in awe of this amazing miracle in front of me. A lot of days I look at her and think of all we endured to get Kynnslee here and I get goosebumps. There were just so many odds against us…but she’s here, strong, beautiful, healthy, thriving and developing into her own little being. I can not even wrap my head around the fact that she will be a 1 year old on Friday…one emotional Mama right here. Where did the time go?! Gosh, I surely don’t know… but I am forever grateful I’ve got to spend it with her and just the pure fact that this little lady is my daughter and I am her Mama makes my heart full. She fits into our family perfectly and we love her to pieces. She was worth the wait! Grateful. So endlessly grateful for Kinny

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Fit or Fab Fridays

Exercising your brain is just as important as exercising the rest of your body.  This is why I take time to read daily.  Recently, I found a daily devotional book while thrifting called, Joy Breaks by Clairmont, Johnson, Meberg & Swindoll.  I’m only about a week in to reading my devotionals  but it is something I’ve been looking forward to.

As a mom, it can be very difficult to find moments of quiet and stillness, but I’ve been managing a mere 20 minutes to myself to do this each day.  It give me enough time both read and reflect which I really have been enjoying.  The intent of this devotional is to help you both savor moments and simplify your life and leave the present tensions behind you. Honestly, I couldn’t have stumbled across this devotional at a better time then now, before the holidays!

I have been feeling in a funk, as mentioned in previous posts and even if it’s only for a little while, I find my spirits lifted after reading my devotional each day.  Some of the posts are funny and most very lighthearted, but very much on point.  Each and everyone that I have read this week speaks to me and helps me in my conversations with God.

If you haven’t yet been introduced to a daily devotional book to try, I highly reccommend this one.  Your brain will thank you, but so will your heart 🙂 In order to stay fab you have to nourish your entire being, not just one or two parts.

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Throw Back Thursday

Remember the time when there was no such thing as online shopping? ^Insert GASP here^!!!

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It’s hard to remember what that world was like.  Everything is so conviently there for us at the tips of our fingers and we can comfortably shop in the privacy of our own homes.  Who doesn’t love online shopping?  I use it more now then ever since having our second child who does not make shopping easy or enjoyable in store.  I can even grocery shop online and pick up my order when I am able to now.  Um, yes please and seriously THANK YOU!

This morning, I woke up with the idea that I was going to hibernate in my home and not go anywhere.  It’s cold.  I’m still not feeling great.  I just feel lazy and in the mood to not give a damn.  With that, I also had the intention to start some online Christmas shopping to eliviate some of that stress I was talking about yesterday.  Well, I don’t know  what kind of evil trick is being played on me but all the items I had on my shopping list are temporarily out of stock at the places I intended on purchasing at online.  Seriously, what the hell?  I’m sorry, but this just pisses me right off.  Namely this makes me upset because I have to sit and stew about this until I am able to find them in store or when they come back in stock online.  Online shopping has it’s perks, but some days it can be just as much of a headache as shopping in store.  Today, I just want to give it the middle finger.

 

Makeup humor. Lash bosses. Online shopping.

 

Wondering On Wednesdays…

This time of year is stressful & overwhelming for me.  I’d love to sit back and enjoy and embrace all the amazing parts of this time of year and do some things to model what this time of year is always about.  Unfortunately, for me, I instead get wrapped up in all the to-do’s and the meaning of the holidays often gets brushed aside.  I let the to-do’s overwhelm me and stress me out.  Honestly, if I could fast forward through November and December, I would.

…wondering if anyone else feels this way?

Today, I feel like I’m spinning in circles.  I’m so overwhelmed with all that has to get done coming up.  I start things and then I can’t finish because I get distracted by another task that needs my attention.  I feel like a crazy person.  Usually by this time I’ve already got a good start on my Christmas shopping.  Not this year.  I haven’t even bought one single gift.

When you are feeling in this kind of funk how do you snap yourself out of it and start accomplishing things that need to get done?  I’m trying the one day at a time thing and trying to tell myself not to stress because it will get done…but the days are passing all too quickly making me feel like there just never is enough time in one day to do the things I need to and I’m just not feeling satisfied with my progress.  When the next day arrives I’m feeling even more stressed because of it.

I just don’t want to.

The end.