20 Questions for a Stay-At-Home-Mom, in case you are wondering about any of these answers (from my experience).
Have you had to cut back on spending? Where did you cut?
Yes, we have had to cut back on spending a lot, or this would never work for us. We are a family of four with a cat and a dog. Living off one income and making it work as a middle class family. It isn’t easy. I can’t think of too many families who wouldn’t have to cut back on spending when making the decision to live off one income.
A couple ways that we cut back are by getting rid of Dish TV. We now only use an atenna that gets us the basic TV channels and we have Hulu & Netflix to watch other shows/movies. We also used to rent movies and go to the movie theatre to watch movies. We rarely, if ever do this now. We mainly check out all our movies from the library for free or watch what is offered through Hulu or Netflix. We buy our girls mostly second hand clothing, toys, etc and I do a lot of thrifting for my husband and myself for items as well before buying new. When I do need to buy new, I never will unless I have a coupon or wait for a sale. We always pay off our credit cards each month, which means little to no frivoulous spending. We also make sure to pay our bills in the full amount due each month. Sometimes we have leftover money after our bills are all paid, sometimes we don’t. I used to not have a limit on gift giving, but now it’s also a must do living off one income. I find myself saying “no” a lot more to things that cost money and try do find “free or cheap fun” for us. I also meal plan, usually two weeks out and this also helps cut costs for our food bill as well as rarely eating out.
There are so many ways that I’ve cut cost over the last 6 years of being a SAHM. I know I only touched on a few, however, this at least will give you an idea if you are wondering.
Do you fight about money more than you did before?
Yes, but honestly this has just been the case the last few years. I think our fighting about money stems more from our big expense of IVF which depleated our savings account and really made our financial situation more difficult then it already was. Just the pure fact that we were already cutting corners and then having to figure out to still keep our heads above water has been trying. Unless you have a decent savings as a SAHM, it makes any unexpected expence come your way a nightmare. Even if you do have a decent savings and you have to take a chunk out you feel the stress as that sometimes is your only cushion, so to speak.
Are you resentful of your working spouse?
Honestly, at times I am. I know that we both deal with our own stresses during the week and there are times I feel like he has it easy in comparison to me. Some days the SAHM life really takes its toll on me and I feel like he is clueless to everything I am going through. There are times I miss working outside the home. Some mornings can be so chaotic that I am jealous of the pure fact of his commute to work, by himself where he can listen to whatever he wants on the radio or drive in pure silence with his own thoughts in his head. Other days, I miss making my own income, having my own insurance, and a retirement plan. Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow when I really think about how I barely am able to contribute to our families finances by staying home. Parts of me also is resentful that I worked just as hard as he did in college and he is using his degree and I am not. There are many ways that resentment can creep in if you let it, but most days I just try to focus on being grateful that we are making it work so that I get this time with my babies.
Does your working spouse feel all of the financial burden, and is resentful of you?
This is something I should ask my husband and never have, so I honestly don’t know the answer to this question. However, I can tell that if I get off our spending budget or spend too much on an item he will question me on it or ask if I really “needed that”. It’s hard to not get offended and feel like he’s judging me because he brings home the bacon and I don’t. There are days he will also comment on how he wishes he could be a stay at home dad which leads me to believe that the grass isn’t always greener on the otherside.
Do you feel satisfied?
Not 100%, no. As much as I love my girls and staying home with them a part of me each day feels unfullfilled. I am so grateful to be able to stay home with my girls, yet I miss the part of me that felt like I had an identity other then mom, wife & stay at home mom. I am Nichole, but I don’t even know who she is anymore. Somewhere a long the way I’ve lost myself because my soul focus each and every single day is making sure all the wants and needs of my family is taken care of that I don’t even have time to think about what I want and need anymore.
Are your kids tired of you?
When you are a stay at home mom, your kids are bound to get tired of you at some point. I’ve always said that breaks away for both mom and kids are healthy and needed. They always embrace and get excited over your arrival and know what it’s like to truly miss you when you step away.
Are you staying at home because of someone else’s pressure? Spouse, parent, in-law?
No, not at all. This was 100% a decision made between my husband and I. I am confident that our family supports our decision no matter what we would have chose to do.
Are you worried about going back to work some day after being out for so long?
Yes, and I think about this often. I’m almost at 6 years of being a SAHM. What do you even put on a resume after this long and who the heck is going to want to hire someone whose experience has expired? Eventually, I will be going back to work. The thought worries me and stresses me out because I feel like it would be hard to get back into a desired position and I will have to settle for a job I don’t really want simply for the fact that I will need a job.
Do you have an equal say in financial decisions?
For the most part. However, at times I feel like my husband has more weight on them then I do. Maybe it’s just how I perceive things though.
Do you feel you made the right choice?
Yes & no. Now that I’ve been a SAHM for a while now it’s going to make it really hard to get back into the working world after being out of it for so long. Sometimes I feel like we would be better off if I would have just been working this entire time. However, when I think of all that I’ve got to be a part of in the lives of my children and simply just being there for them in general, makes me feel like I’m doing what is right.
Do you SAH to save money (like cost of child care), or for satisfaction of staying at home with your child(ren)?
Both. I literally would have been working to put my children in childcare. My take home pay would not have been worth it which was a huge factor is our decision for me to stay home. It’s also nice having one of us available at all times, especially now that my oldest is in school and extra activities. It’s also nice for appointments, and unexpected sick days. I also liked the idea of not having to put my children in childcare since I worked in one for many years and wasn’t always impressed with other peoples care of the children. Personally, I like to be the one caring for my children and being with them.
Have you sacrificed anything by being a SAHM that you regret?
I’ve sacrificed everything by being a SAHM. The only thing I regret is losing myself along the way. I am fully invested in this gig and truly love being a SAHM. I have my good days and hard days in it. The hardest part for me is the expectations I had for myself and feeling like I am not meeting them. This may feel like regret at times.
What is slipping through the cracks by being a SAHM?
On a humorous note the one answer to this question is my sanity!
How do you deal with the SAHM guilt?
The struggle is real. My biggest guilt is that I am with my children so much that when I leave (as much as it’s needed) it’s always hard and I always feel guilty about it. I also feel guilty when I buy things for myself because I don’t bring in any income. However, I try to think of all the ways I am helping save money, which in turn is helping our financial situation. There are so many ways the SAHM guilt can creep into my days. Some days venting to a friend or even my husband helps.
Do you do anything to bring any sort of income into the home?
Yes, I watch other kids on a part time basis and also sell items we no longer need on buy, sell, trade pages. I also do diaper studies when they are available to me.
If you could go back to work today, would you?
Not if it was full time. I could maybe handle going back to work part-time if an opportunity arose. However, right now I am honestly content staying at home with my girls. I think of everything I do on a daily basis and our life style and I couldn’t imagine me working outside the home on top of it. Not to mention, K is still nursing and she still is not sleeping through the night. I am so freaking tired. I need more sleep before more work is added to my plate.
How do you do you manage stress or make time for you?
Self care is difficult. Me time is important but making the time is hard. Working out has always helped me manage my stress. I schedule a massage every 3 months for myself. I put things on my schedule to look forward to. I have coffee dates with my sister and I’m sure this summer we will be playing tennis. This year I am also playing on a co-ed soccer team.
Is your partner an equal parent?
As a SAHM I feel I take the parenting weight more most days only because I am with them more. However, we try our best to communicate, stay on the same page, and make decisions together. We try to stay as equal as we can, but again it’s hard to feel equal when he’s a working parent and I’m a SAH parent especially with the care taking roles.
What is the most rewarding part of being a SAHM?
There are so many rewarding parts of being a SAHM that it’s hard to choose just one. However, I think the most rewarding is that I get to be there for everything and not someone else. I know so many working parents where it seems their children spend more quality time with their kids then they even do. This breaks my heart. I never wanted it to be like this for our children. I can see when something excites them. I get to witness them learning something new and applying what they learn. I have got to experience first milestones. I get to laugh with them and kiss their boo-boo’s and wipe away their tears.
What is the most challenging part of being a SAHM?
Self care. Hands down. I can’t care for my kids if I am pouring from an empty cup and find the time to make time for myself is hard.
Hope Anchors the Soul 