Writers block. It is currently happening to me. I have the urge to blog and feel like I have a million things to write about but no concrete topic is coming to mind. My mind is filled with jumbled thoughts this morning. This post may just be a complete mess, it may not have complete thoughts and it may have no specific point except to unclutter my brain. My apologies in advance. However, I know you can relate to me as we are all humans and you would be lying if you said you didn’t have days where your thoughts are scrambled, where your house is a mess, the day doesn’t go as planned, and as organized as you try to be nothing is systematic.
I typically am a person who needs to live by a system. If my routine is haywire, typically so am I. I function so much better with a plan, with order, and tidiness. I am guessing this is why I am having writers block today because so far this week I feel like I am the opposite of those three: no plan, no order no tidiness. So, I’m having one of those weeks…I am human. It is time I get my shit together so I can function and not feel like a crazy person! Last week was not like this, it makes me wonder when this week started to fall apart.
Speaking of last week, I realize last weeks posts (obvious with no writers block) were a bit intense. I am not going to apologize because I believe those were some topics that needed to be addressed. Again, I am in awe over all the people in my life who supported me in some way. Your thoughtfulness was appreciated immensely. I have no regrets sharing a little bit about our journey and I intend to keep doing so. NIAW gave me the perfect opportunity to “come out” as a person struggling with Secondary Infertility and I am grateful. As much as this experience SUCKS I am thankful for the struggle and how it’s changed my outlook on life and has created me to be an even more humble person. My struggle always reminds me of this quote, “No, we don’t always get what we want, but consider this: There are people who will never have, what you have, right now.” -Unknown
Although, both primary and secondary infertility (SI) come with relatively the same heartache and pain…the difference is, I was able to conceive and give birth once, on my own, to a very healthy and beautiful little girl. I realize everyday that some women do not even get that chance. Words do not even express my heartache for those women who don’t get that experience, yet never do I take for granted the gift I was given on June 27th, 2012. I am completely humble. Her birth day is special and it gives me goosebumps thinking about that very special day in our lives. I look at E and I am just in awe daily. Her smile, her laugh, her sass, her imagination, her inquisitiveness, her big bright eyes, her voice, her intelligence, her humor, her hugs, her kisses, her cries, her thoughtfulness, her silliness, her stubbornness, her creativity, her kindness, her tantrums, her growth spurts, her love…they are all a part of me and all a part of my husband. We created this beautiful human being, despite the heartache of SI, she is what makes my heart happy and put one foot in front of the other every single day. How lucky am I?!
Now as much as I love my little girl, there are some things with parenting that I am not so lucky with. Maybe it has nothing to do with luck though, but the demeanor of my child. Currently, my luck is not with potty training my almost 3 year old. I am trying so very hard to get her to wear big girl undies and stop having accidents in her pants. This transition has come with many challenges. My goal is to have her completely potty trained by September as she needs to be fully potty trained to be in the 3K program at our church. We already enrolled her and put down the deposit, so if she is not we basically lose our deposit. I won’t go off on a tangent about how silly this entire concept is. However, it is just plain stupid. Moving on…we had a great day with potty training on Monday. E stayed in undies the longest she ever has before with minimal accidents in the morning. However, she still wasn’t telling me when she needed to go. I have to set a timer for every hour to remind us both it’s time for her to go potty. Since she was doing so well, I decided we should go outside so I could weed in my garden boxes and give her the chance to get some fresh air and dig in the dirt with me. She loves digging for worms! Anyways, we were outside for about an hour and I was constantly asking her if she needed to go potty. Every time I asked her, her response was, “No Mama, I am fine”. However, I knew after an hour she wasn’t going to be fine so I told her it was time to take a break and go inside to use the potty. E was acting indifferent and that’s when I noticed she had wet pants. She never told me she had to go potty and she never told me she had an accident. I simply reminder her that she was supposed to tell me when she needed to use the potty and I would have taken her to the bathroom. Her response back to me was this, “Don’t worry about it Mama, I just peed in the grass like a puppy.” Oh my goodness, did I laugh. Maybe not the best teachable thing to do but it was the way she said it that laughter just came automatic to me. She just made is seem like it was no big deal and she was just doing what she’s seen Haddie (our black lab) do out in the yard. E simply has the answer for everything and she is smart beyond her years. She is also stubborn like me. This potty training stuff is tough. It does not reflect our parenting…I just think we have one of “those” kids. She’s taking her sweet time and doing things at her own pace. As much as I want her to be potty trained now, I have learned that God does things in His own way and this applies to potty training too. Again, waiting when you want something to happen is hard-especially for a person who needs to work on patience like myself!
Patience is not a virtue of mine. I can be patient yes, but do I like to be patient? Heck no. I have always been a person who likes to do things my own way, at my own speed on my own time and I absolutely can not stand waiting for others or for things to happen. I am also probably one of the most punctual people you will ever meet. I can imagine this is one of the many reasons why SI is hard on me. However, I firmly believe this is one of the things God wants me to work on and teach me a lesson on. I am a work in progress that is for sure and honestly have no other choice but to be patient.
Another thing I have been working on this past week is my overall health. I have been working on eating better, drinking more water, and getting back to my exercise routine. It is really hard to find the time to exercise as an adult with a child. However, it is important to me, something that can’t be compromised any longer, so I am making the time. This past week I was really proud of myself because I got up early and worked out for an hour on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and again this Monday. Yesterday (Tuesday) instead of an intense workout in the morning, I went for a bike ride with my husband and E last night and that was just over 2 miles. I have been trying to set tiny goals for improvement for myself…nothing that isn’t attainable or too stressful. Working out has always helped my stress level, improved my mood, put more spring in my step and actually makes me feel like I have more energy. Overall, you just feel better when you are eating healthy and moving. Thankfully the weather has been nice too, which is a huge motivator for me. I would love to lose the 10 lbs I gained while taking the fertility medication as well as tone up again. I am not going to lie though, it again is hard to find the patience for this because results do not happen quickly. I swear the motto for my life right now should be: It takes time.
Ready for some more scattered thoughts? Being a SAHM is the hardest, yet most rewarding “job”. However, my mom always said that if you are doing something you love it won’t feel like work. I absolutely love being a mom. Being a mom certainly doesn’t feel like work. However, it has it’s ups and downs and challenges like any job outside the home. Today, I can already tell will be hard because our schedule is going to be thrown off. I am able to go outside my routine but from experience, it’s just never a good thing. We are first going to the Library where E goes to Lapsit Story hour. She absolutely loves the library. She loves books and she loves reading. However, E has selective hearing. In other words she is starting to test her ability to not listen to her mother. She thinks she can do whatever she wants to do while at the library (running, not putting material back after done looking at it, climbing the stairs and going to the adult area, running to the water fountain, spitting at me, not following direction, etc). This can cause me great amounts of stress, however, I try to handle her not listening with grace and use them as teachable moments. We always end up leaving in one piece and we always end up going back. It must not be that bad right. After the library we usually head home, eat lunch, read 3 books before nap and then she naps. Today, after the library I am heading home, eating lunch then heading out again. My younger sister is getting her wedding dress fitted and I need to be there to see how it is bustled. Now this and of itself will be a chore. Etta will be tired and it will be a less then fun outing with her. Then, getting her home after she will either fall asleep on the car ride (all but 10 minutes) and wake up when we get back home and not nap or she will not nap in the car and just be cranky and fight her nap. Either way, I don’t for see a nap happening. This one little glitch in our routine will more then likely make the rest of the afternoon less then enjoyable and adding to the mix tonight she has swimming lessons. As much as we have no problem doing things out of our routine (which will be our entire summer) it is just crazy the amounts of extra problems in our day getting out of our routine creates-mostly behavioral issues and crankiness. This makes my “job” as SAHM difficult and whatever ounce of patience I do have wear pretty thin, but like anything I’ll survive. Might I add that MOM upside down is WOW and this poster explains why perfectly:
Although some things can be explained perfectly, there are some things that have no explanation. Circumstances will alter us, sometimes knock us off our feet and/or give us a detour. Life is not perfect and the days that fill my life are not perfect either. However, attitude and perspective can make all the difference. Recognizing your blessings and being grateful for them in the midst of any hardship is crucial. Today may be one of those days for me, but I am living and breathing and healthy and so is my husband and my daughter. I may not have all I want but I do have all I need.
In all my ramble today I would like to leave you with just one more final thought to ponder: