Thankful Thursday

Two pregnancy announcements this week almost seems like too to stomach.   Especially when we are going through the whirlwind of a cancelled IVF cycle.  We are also facing the facts that we can not attempt another IVF cycle because of money.  Therefore, not only are we dealing with this blow, but the extreme disapointment of figuring out how to accept that we only have a 1-2% percent chance of conceiving on our own if we don’t do IVF.  Basically, we are being forced to close this chapter in our lives and let go of this dream of another child to complete our family.  We are happy for others, but so incredibly sad for ourselves.  It can be easy to get angry and feel jealous and question why them and not us?

However, today, I am going to take a couple deep breaths and focus simply on my breathing.  Instead of focusing on the cards that we’ve been dealt being unfair and being bitter about what isn’t happening for us and being jealous about what is working in the lives of others I am going to try and put all my focus on the blessings God has given me.

The silver lining to all of this is that I have two beautiful daughters. We gave E a sibling.  Thankfully, IVF did work once for us before.   These two sisters have each other in their life journey and I am forever thankful for that.  They are both healthy and thriving and my heart knows the joy of being a mother.  I get to see my husband be a Dad (and a great one at that) and share this crazy journey of parenthood with my best friend and it makes me so happy.  Really, I couldn’t be more grateful for all of these blessings.  Thank you God, my heart may have a void but for the most part it is full.  Zach, Etta and Kynnslee are gifts and I cherish them all so deeply.

Wondering on Wednesday

13 days.

13 days until my 7 year old enters the 2nd grade.

Not that I’m counting or anything, in case you are wondering.

Yesterday.

Yesterday is when it feels like summer just started.

How are we almost to the end of August already?

Summer went by in some crazy warp speed.  I literally blinked and here we are already gearing up for school to begin again.

I am finally understanding the phrase, “All our sweetest hours fly fastest.”

…because they do.

…because just yesterday I was holding my tiny little baby in my arms

and I blinked.

…and now she is soaring off into this BIG world a little more and more each day, on her own.

 

 

As her mama, I am equal parts happy and sad because this parenting stuff is very bittersweet.  It’s all the emotions bundled up in your heart.  I cherish this little girl so much, but I miss that little baby she once was.

I heard this song by Michael Buble called Forever Now and it gave me all the feels!  This morning I dedicate this song to my first baby who made me a mom!  I love you forever now Etta.

Aimless 20 Talk Tuesday

…coming from the mouths of my daughters this morning (Lord, help me get through the day today because I have a feeling I am going to be struggling with patience).

1. “Moooom, K poked me.”-E
2. “Meanie”-K
3. “No. No. No. No. No. AHHHHHH.”-K
4. “Sit on your own cushion and get your foot off my head.”-E
5. Me:  “E, go brush your teeth, clean your earrings and clean your expander so we can get on with our day.” E: “I just need to sit here longer because I need rest time.” (It’s 9:30 and she’s been sitting and not listening for almost an hour and a half now).
6. “I sit by you E, nah, nah nah (insert evil-taunting giggle)”-K
7. “Be nice to my baby (as E chucks it across the room)”-K
8. “I saiiiiidddddd, don’t lay on me.”-E
9. “I need my hair done before I brush my teeth Mom.”-E
10. “Mama, I sittin’ in…in…in here first.”-K
11. “You Did it E, no you really did do it.”-K (out of no where just trying to start something else).
12. “No you did it, I didn’t do anything.”-E
13. “I WANT MY HAIR DONE BEFORE I GET MY TEETH BRUSHED.” (in the biggest whine ever and also as a ploy to just not follow my directions and be in control).-E
14. “Don’t hit me in the head.”-K
15. “Mama, mmm…mmm…mmm (scream) E pushin’ me with her foot.”-K
16. “Mama, K won’t move and I was here first and she is annoying me.”-E
17. “No E noying me (sticking out tounge).”-K
18. “You brumpy or just a purple meanie?”-K
19. “Here you go E. (handing E her electronic diary)”-K
20. “Ahhh, thank you K, do you want to play?”-E

Motivational Monday for Mombies

What wealth do you bring to your daily life that makes you feel at your optimal health mind, body, and/or spirit?!

For me, being in nature is something that brings me wealth.  Even if only temporary, nature makes me feel better emotionally, it reduces stress, anxiety and muscle tension.  The calmness gives me clarity and a sense of peace.

This weekend we took our last family camping trip for the summer.  It had it’s moments that brought about chaos, but overall it was so nice to just get away, and get away in nature. My favorite moments were spent admiring the beauty in nature, going for bike rides and hiking.  It was so nice to steal away a couple quiet moments by myself and just read in my book, write in my journals, and read and reflect in my daily devotional in the mornings.

If you are in need of motivation or in need to bring wealth to your soul, body and/or mind for your health, today or any day, my best advice is to seek out this kind of gold or silver.

Here is a glimmer of the gold and silver in my weekend:

…sometimes, nature spent alone and/or with those you love most is truly the best medicine for your mind, body and soul!  Do more of what sparks you joy.  In the midst of a life struggle or circumstance that is bringing you grief, being able to step into nature forces you to reflect and find some inner peace.

I left the weekend realizing that there is so much truth to a quote that Anne Frank left us with:

Thankful Thursday

There

is

good

in

every

single

day.

…for this I am thankful.

Lately, I feel like I’ve been that person that is sitting in a field of roses and I only can see the thorns.

I don’t want to be this person.

Life is all about perception and how we view things.  My attitude is not only weighing me down, but it’s keeping me a prisoner in these cards that I’ve been dealt.  My attitude lately has also been robbing me of any joy in my day.

Sitting in the thorns feels so heavy.

I want to get to the point where I am sitting in the field of roses and I don’t notice all of the thorns.

So today, I will start by being grateful for the good in my day.  It doesn’t have to be anything big, it can be the simple everyday things that are good, bring a smile to my face and give me even a glimmer of joy.

Perception. Grattitude.  Joy.  These three things go hand in hand.

What is the good in your day today?!

Whatever it is, let the roses be your focus NOT the thorns.

 

 

 

 

Wondering On Wednesday

This morning I woke up with so much anxiety I felt like I was going to puke.  Today, I also have no set plans (besides taking care of my girls).  If you are wondering, I am not doing well with “quiet days”.  My anxiety is coming from knowing it’s a quiet day today.

Can anyone else who deals with anxiety relate to this?!

In the quiet days, I feel all the feels.  I don’t enjoy that.  Right now, I don’t have the strength to feel those feelings.  I’ve been trying to busy myself to fill those moments of quiet so I am distracted.  I find myself welcoming any and all distractions.  I know at some point I am going to have to feel my feelings.  If I don’t, I know that I will never begin the healing process.  Sooner or later, I will have to face this head on.  I’m just not ready yet.  How does one begin to muster up the strength?

Aimless 20 Talk Tuesday

My to do list (in no particular order)….

1.  Finish painting last dresser in our Master Bedroom.
2. Pick up items at Costco before Camping Friday.
3. Pick up yard waste sticker.
4. Dump said yard waste bags and containers that are currently stinking up our garage.
5. Hair trims for the girls and myself.
6. Continue posting on VS.
7. WM grocery pick up (on Thursday)
8. School clothes/shoe shop for Etta (Kynnslee needs tennis shoes).
9. Finish packing for Camping (by Thurs).
10. Pay bills (WE Energies, BMO Harris & Sanitary)- Wednesday.
11. Book Hotel/Buy Wedding gift.
12. Two week meal plan.
13. De-clutter, deep clean house.
14. Write in girls journals.
15. Sign E up for Kidstage (pay fee).
16. Swim lessons (both girls).
17. Class for K at Y.
18. Give Haddie a Bath.
19. Go through girls closets and take out things that don’t fit.
20. Return Library books/Dvd’s

What I really wish my to-do list looked like:

Motivational Mondays for Mombies

Today is my husband’s 36th birthday.  It was supposed to be the BEST birthday with some amazing news to celebrate.  Instead, this year, his birthday is a huge trigger for me.  We don’t have any good news to share and we are devestated that our IVF cycle didn’t go as we had hoped it would. We likely would have known by now if our IVF cycle took, had we gotten to that point in the process.

You guys, for real, this really hurts.

Yesterday afternoon from noon on, I was really struggling.  I feel downright depressed.  I didn’t feel like doing anything and all I could do was lay on the couch, or my bed (wherever anyone would just leave me alone).  Getting from point A to B is exhausting.  Making conversation is exhausting.  Trying to live right now just feels exhausting.  I really don’t know how to move on from this heartache and feel ‘normal’ again.

Triggers are everywhere and unavoidable which make moving on ten times harder.  When I am triggered my anxiety is awful and I feel like I am being suffocated because I literally can not breathe, yet my heart feels like it’s going to race out of my chest.

If you are like me and are dealing with a traumatic event in your life, I can imagine you have triggers in your daily life too.  I’m here to tell you sweet Mombie, you are not alone.  You also have every right to take all the time you need to grieve a loss or do what you need to do in each day to try to “deal” with these feelings.  It’s ok to NOT be ok and there is no timeline as to when you should feel ok again.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  We all do it differently and you don’t need anyone’s permission to take this time for you.

So today, if simply getting up out of bed is your only goal.  That’s ok.  Celebrate the little things that you are overcoming because the actual thing you are tring to overcome is huge.  It will take time and patience to feel at peace.

 

Sacred Sunday

#girldad

Free Friday

It’s been one week… one week since our IVF cycle has been canceled.  Although the world around me has been revolving, I feel like I’ve been living in a fog and just going about my days just to get through them.  I know that in time, I will receive some clarity.  I trust that I will be ok.  However, right now it is the time in between, the getting there that is difficult.

Right now, I am grieving my loss.  My current reality is that we could attempt IVF again but we can not afford do so.  IVF is still our best chance at making our dreams a reality, despite our horrible odds.  However, I somehow need to get the idea out of my head that this is no longer an option for us and I need to accept that the likelihood that I will ever become pregnant again is 1-2%, which in my eyes may as well  be zero percent.  If I’m honest, I’m angry.  I’m pissed off.  I’m sad.  I’m disapointed.  I feel robbed.  Right now, I am not ready to accept these cards that have been dealt to me and it’s the only stage of grief that I have not currently experienced yet:  acceptance.

Triggers for me are currently everywhere.  The emotions that come with triggers are so strong for me right now.  However, I’d say I’m doing a great job at fooling everyone around me that I’m doing ok.  I’m simply heartbroken.  The waves of grief are in my every moment of everyday.  At times it’s so overwhelming and can feel debilitating.  The physical effects from this kind of trauma swallow me whole and suffocate me.  In this, I feel so alone.

I’ve highly considered seeking counseling because this has truly broken my spirits.  However, asking around in my online infertility support groups, those who have gotten counseling for similar feelings like mine have ended up canceling because the outcome of therapy has not been positive or helpful.  Most say that unless the therapist has had some sort of experience with this her/himself that they are lacking in the knowlege in how to help someone dealing with this sort of trauma.  This is my fear in seeking out counseling at the moment.  As unhealthy as it is, for this reason I have mostly been struggling through my feelings and emotions silently.  Nothing anyone says seems helpful, although there are a couple friends of mine who have flat out said to me they have no words because they know nothing will make it better but if I need them to hang out with or get my mind off things they are here for me.  This, I truly think has been the most helpful because they are not saying the cliche things that others do or saying words of support just to say them.

Going back to my beginning paragraph… I will be ok eventually  but I know it’s perfectly normal to not be ok right now.  A week may have gone by, but the wound of my heart is still very fresh.

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.  He counts the stars and assigns each a name.  Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does.  God puts the fallen on their feet again.” -Psalm 147:2-6