Something I can’t Control…

It’s interesting when anxiety attacks hits you.  Sometimes when it comes you can almost feel it building up, other times it comes on with a single thought and then there are those times it comes on without any warning whatsoever.  Man oh man though, when it hits you-your heart starts racing, your mind starts worrying, and the panic is almost suffocating.

There are so many things in our lives that we can not control.  Realizing this, when something happens that is out of my control I try to figure out the best way to move past the circumstance. Although it can be hard at first, I usually overcome it and move forward. However, the one circumstance that feels like it is so out of my control and hard to move forward from is Secondary Infertility.  It’s like I just can’t escape the dark cloud that hangs over my shoulders with it and yet again I find my heart starting to race, my mind starting to worry, and that panic that is suffocating.  I literally can’t breathe thinking about how out of control this one circumstance is in my life.

My mom has always said, along with many friends of mine who are done having babies, that when you are done having babies you just know you are done.  I’ve been told that even when you get to make that choice for yourself, it can be hard, but you also have that sense of contentment with your decision to be done. Be grateful you get to make that choice for yourself, because it’s my fear I will not get to make that choice for myself.  I’ve said it many times, and am saying it again- I have been blessed this year by having our miracle baby.  I am so incredibly grateful and I never want to come across as being ungrateful or take her for granted.  However, I also knew from the moment I was pregnant with K that even through all the hardships in trying to have her, that God has placed that longing for another baby in my heart.  I just know I am not done having babies and I don’t want to be just yet.  Just like with both my girls, when you want a baby, it’s just something you can’t automatically shut off.  This longing is very much out of my control.  It’s there.  I feel it so strongly.  It’s when I think about the reality of our situation yet again, that the anxiety creeps in.

I will be having my postpartum well check next Thursday so one of the things my husband and I have been talking about is whether or not I should go on birth control again this time around.  Hands down, I do not want to go back on birth control.  Knowing we want another baby and knowing what we had to do to get K, I honestly have the “whatever happens, happens” mindset right now. Although I know with K, our chances were 10% being able to conceive on our own and the likelihood of conceiving the 3rd on our own is slim, I do believe in miracles and I still have hope that it COULD happen on its own.

Yet again though, anxiety creeps in with the reality that it may not happen and we may have to make that hard decision of either being done having children or deciding on going through IVF again.  I’ve always thought that having children would be my choice and when I wanted to be done having them would be my choice.  Never did I think I may be forced into the decision of having to be done simply because I can’t have children.  Oh man, and there is that suffocating panic feeling.  My heart is beating fast.  I am filled with so much worry about our future with this.

I realize that we just had K and many will even tell me that we have plenty of time yet & not to fret.  However, I know that my time clock is ticking.  I know what we are facing.  I know the odds are not in our favor.  I know the time is now, not tomorrow.  I do fret and I am full of anxiety over this and all I can do today is take one deep breath at a time to try to calm my anxious mind, body and soul.

My fertility is not in my control and I am constantly reminding myself of God’s perfect timing and that hope will anchor my soul just as it did before.  It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it… just as it was before.  Slowly, I feel some calm wash over me, but I know the anxiety will come back because this is just something I can’t control and the outcome today is uncertainty.

She’s Here!

…well, I guess she’s been here for almost a month already.  I can hardly believe that she will be a month old on Saturday already!  With that said,  I am not going to apologize for neglecting to update my blog sooner because life with a baby and a 4.5 year old is busy, overwhelming, and chaotic.  As you can imagine, I’m also running on very little sleep and basically I am also a human milk machine!  I keep telling my husband that I don’t know if I am coming or going most days.  My mind feels like it’s running on overdrive and it feels like I’m living in a whirl wind!  I’ve also been trying to enjoy and embrace all those snuggles, precious newborn moments and enjoy time as a family of four which has been my priority over anything right now.  We’ve had a major change in our lives and our family dynamic and we are all adjusting, learning, and trying to make it one moment at a time from day to day.  Although, it hasn’t been easy it’s all been so incredibly worth it.

Unfortunately, that means lots of things have been put last. As you can probably guess, my blog has been put on the back burner for a little while now, but that’s not to say that it hasn’t been on the back of my mind!  The support I’ve had writing this blog and sharing our journey has been amazing and has connected me with many incredible people who have also shared their amazing journey with me.  I am so fortunate for that and didn’t want to leave any of you in the dust.  I am finally finding a quiet moment this morning to do a small update.  Sooo…..

Photo Credit to Lindsay Daly with Daly Reminders Photography

It is with great pleasure to introduce to you our sweet miracle, baby girl, Kynnslee Elizabeth.  She was born at 11:13 a.m. on 11/17/16.  She weighed in at 7 lbs., 10 oz. and was 20.5 inches long.  First glimpses of our little lady was incredibly surreal and emotional. Her story and her journey to get here is a special one and I can’t even begin to explain the love we have for our baby.  I just can’t stop looking at her, holding her, kissing her sweet cheeks.  I’m just in awe that she’s here.  Even typing “she’s here” gives me goosebumps and tears swell in my eyes.  Guys and gals she is just simply an amazing blessing that we had hoped for for a long time and one dream we just could never give up on and gratefully so, God never gave up on us either.

One thing many of you are probably wondering about it E and how she is adjusting to the role of big sister.  To answer that, this has been a huge change for our little miss.  Although she’s been extremely in love with her new sister, it’s also been a huge adjustment for her where my husband and I have noticed some behavioral changes in here (and not necessarily for the better).  I’d be lying if I said it has been perfect and easy because it’s been far from either.  However, I’d say that this is to be expected given it’s been just her and I and her dad for the last 4.5 years!  Looking at that aspect, I think she is doing the best she knows how and we are doing the best we can as her parents to help her adjust to such a big change in our dynamic.  She is simply the best big sister though towards K.  She’s gentle.  She’s affectionate.  She’s a big helper.  She has a kind heart.  She reads her stories.  She talks to her and tries to calm K when she’s upset.  Even in the very hardest of moments I am so happy to have given E a sibling and hopefully a forever friend!

My husband and I are also adjusting.  I have to say it is very hard spreading your time out as evenly as possible between our two girls.  I think it’s especially hard for me when K needs such 1:1 personal care right now.  I know it’s harder now because she’s so small and that’s one thing that gets me through each day is knowing that it will get better as we all have more of a routine and as K gets a bit older.  Until then, my husband and I are doing the best we can functioning on little sleep to give our girls the best care, love and attention.  They are our world!  I must admit too though that I am getting very excited to find some time in the near future to have some hubby and me time-even just a dinner date just the two of us would be nice.  I feel like it’s so important and healthy to still make time as a couple too.  We just haven’t found our groove yet to have any extra time to do so-and K still isn’t taking bottles (not because we haven’t tried, she just prefers the boob)!

At any rate,  I very much appreciate all the support we’ve gotten through all of this.  We couldn’t have made it this far without the people in our lives who have been present during our journey and continue to love and support us.  Thank you doesn’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to you all.  No matter what in life you are struggling with, just come to the realization that your journey may not go as you expect it to go.  If you have expectations more then likely they lead you to disappointment.  It’s when you let go, have faith and hope and trust in the big guy upstairs and shift your focus, that you will see God’s plans for you are bigger then anything you could have imagined.  We are living proof of this.  Never give up!  You’ve got this because God’s always got you.